Strife and Contention

Struggle:  Strife; contention; great effort.

The topic this morning was about The Process of getting sober.  How it comes - the answers, serenity, sobriety, acceptance - when we quit our struggling, our ceaseless, ceaseless struggling.
I ponder again The Inspection Report.  This struggle has affected my ego AND my wallet so it was bound to provoke an outsized reaction.  I've learned so little but one less that has stuck is that "This, too, shall pass."  I need to soldier on from time to time.

On Day One my response was along the lines of "Over my dead body" or perhaps "Go $#!! yourself."  I kept my mouth shut as I have been taught to do and went to bed, secure in the knowledge that any action I took would have made things worse.

On Day Two, somewhat calmer if by "calmer" you mean "not in a murderous rage."  I was still unwilling to cede an inch but I wasn't bent out of all recognizable shape by the situation.  My attitude was still basically pretty shitty - it's just that I didn't feel so vindictive about it.  I still planned on taking these $#!! the $#!! out but I with a kind smile on my face.  Working my program on Day Two yielded the reminder that "we cease fighting everyone and everything."  I appreciated the wisdom but firmly ignored its application in my life.

The problem with all of this is that I end up hurting myself.  My ego blinds me to my own best interests because it's so unwilling to be taken advantage of in the sex, money, and power department.  I know this logically but I still can't get past it all of the time emotionally.  I'm an emotional suicide bomber.  I'll blow myself up if I take you out, too.

So on Day Three I still felt some angst but was open to compromise   I thought maybe I could split the expenses with these $#!!s I began to see that even if I get stuck with the whole expense that it's going to be in my best interests in the long run.

Knowing I needed to soldier on in my Program work I heard the following: "We quit struggling and we relax and take it easy.  We're surprised at how the right answers come."  I decided to investigate exactly how much this was going to cost me.  I probably should have done this before losing my shit at being screwed out of a huge amount of money.  If I'm going to object passionately to some outrageous bill the least I could do is put an actual number on it by talking to some . . . you know . . . experts in the field rather than hallucinating up some wild crap.  I took some action.  Thinking was taking me where it usually takes me: Down the Worm Hole.

Of course I found that I had grievously overestimated the cost.

Imagine that.