Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Fake Estate


Real Estate:  Property that cannot easily  be moved, usually buildings and the ground they are built on.

I like this definition a lot.  It explains that you are going to be looking at something that is real.  This is a great comfort to someone who is going to spend a lot of money to buy something that they want to live in.  If a thriving market in Fake Estate springs up I definitely want to be on that wave.

For something as large and momentous as the selling of real estate the owners of the property should feel free to make use of various secret weapons.  All's fair in love and war and whatever 
I'm trying to manipulate, an endless category that expands and shrinks as I see fit.  Some of the secret weapons are very well-publicised and therefore not that secret: keeping the place clean; no dirty underwear hanging from the light fixtures; no clean underwear hanging from the light fixtures; nothing whatsoever hanging from the light fixtures.  There's a whole chapter in the selling of real estate book about the dos and don'ts of light fixtures.

It's also very important for the seller to vacate the premises when prospective buyers visit.  I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind this; who better to answer questions about the real estate than the people who live in the real estate?  And from what I've seen about the real estate agents I don't think I could do any more damage or cause any more confusion or delays than they do.  Then again, maybe I'm not the kind of person you want wandering around a house when other people are in it.  SuperK, sure - that seems reasonable.

There are other techniques unique to each selling individual.  Many years ago SuperK and I rented a cabin in upper MI that the owners had obviously furnished with crap that they bought at yard sales or that they dug out of the town dump.  On top of the kitchen cabinets, nearly invisible, was this small, green ceramic sculpture of the head of a frog or other reptile.  It was beyond crude.  SuperK and I howled with delight that someone put this out as a decoration and then we stole it.  I don't generally steal things but this I could not resist.  We named the demon Mr. Head and he has traveled the world with us.  We frequently turn to him for counsel and advice.

When we listed our condo for sale we stuck Mr. Head in a small plant in the kitchen.  He wasn't flamboyantly displayed but he wasn't hidden.  We alternately asked him to charm the buyers or put them under a hex or spell, answer questions, turn out lights, provide information on the average monthly utility bill, whatever needed to be done.  He tried but he wasn't cutting the mustard.  He's more of a traveler than a resident advisor.

Under duress SuperK allowed me to reintroduce a small glow-in-the-dark figurine that I bought in a toy store in Sunderland, Mass for $1 many years ago.  He must have been on sale.  SuperK had relegated this Senor Mysterioso to a table drawer as part of our staging process.  Senor M is purported to have many hidden powers so I prevailed upon her to allow me to let him once again see the light of day.

"Do what you gotta do," she sighed.

Someone offered to buy the real estate a couple of days later.

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