A Family Affair

Disinterested:  Not influenced by personal interest or selfish motives; impartial; unbiased.


I'm struggling with my aging parents again today.  My increasingly feeble father loses his balance and takes the occasional spill, which is no small matter for an 85 year old.  They want very much to stay in their current home or they're very afraid to move somewhere else, one or the other.  I'm thinking it's the latter.  I'd like them to move someplace that provides help for older adults but they don't seem to be heeding my sage advice.  Everyone knows how dead on my advice is when it comes to how other people should live their lives.  All you have to do is look at the roaring success I've made of my life to speculate on how good my advice would be to you as to how you should live your life.


I've done my best to present options to them over the last several years, from retirement homes should they desire to move as well as service providers who will visit to provide virtually any kind of service they need if they want to live stay where they are.  And the results have been bupkis.  Nada.  Nothing.  Not a nibble, not a bite.  And they have a robust litany of reasons why these solutions wouldn't work for them.  So I'm having to walk the fine line between engagement and detachment.  It's a thin line some of the time.  It's a line when it's that's harder to walk when it's someone that you love.


It reminds me of my entrance into The Program.  Today I like how The Steps are in the first person plural.  We and Us are figured prominently, emphasizing that I'm in some trouble when I try to do this by myself.  But all of the We-s and Us-es that have helped me have talked and talked about personal responsibility.  The idea is that they are there to help but I'm expected to get to work.  It's a powerful mix of group and individual.  I make no progress without the help of others and I make no progress without taking a lot of action on my own.


If my folks want to stay where they are and not spend any money to get some outside help that's their choice, but they shouldn't expect people to drop everything when they need some help that otherwise would be provided.  It's uncomfortable for me to even say this.  I feel somewhat cruel.  So I get on the phone and talk to people who aren't as emotionally engaged as I am, including my sponsor, to get that disinterested third party perspective.  


I'll help a drunk out in any way I can but if he quits coming to meetings and gets a DUI at 3AM he knows not to call me.  I can do this because the drunk isn't my kin.  I certainly understand why someone would be upset if it was their child in the drunk tank at 3AM, but my disinterested advice is that our problems are of our own making.  Drive drunk - get arrested - sit in jail.


I called my sister who lives quite close to my folks.  She's carrying more of the burden than I am.  I wanted to offer my support.  People living without some Program don't have friends they can call to have uncomfortable behavior validated.  My sponsor - who is not emotionally involved with my parents - can offer sympathy and confirm that my behavior is good.  My sister doesn't have this network to lean on.   I thought it was important to give her a chance to share her frustration with someone who cares.


This is still playing out.