Hm.

My relationships with my family have changed over the years more or less as a function of how I'm working my Program. I started my recovery as a total people pleaser. Most alcoholics have an unhealthy obsession with being loved by everyone. Most of us are chameleons. "What do you want me to be?" I'd ask. "I'm sure I can do that." When I drank I sort of kind of belonged a little bit to every clique and group, standing as far out on the fringe as I could possibly get. I was there but I didn't fit in, not really. I didn't know who I was so I could hardly allow you to get to know me. What I could permit was to allow you to get to know who I thought you wanted me to be. Whew.

This doesn't work in the long run, especially with relatives. I couldn't let myself be totally controlled by other people and remain happy. I got resentful. I got tired of doing what other people wanted to do all of the time. At the end it didn't even matter if I wanted to do what everyone was doing. Everything made me mad. I simply wanted call the shots some of the time. Everybody does. And to make the whole mess even more convoluted, I was too chicken shit to stand up for myself very often. When I did I felt so guilty that I caved in, and really resented everyone else.

So I shifted into bargaining mode. Because I felt like other people were pushing me around with absolutely no regard for my tender feelings and fragile needs I figured I should get to make the decisions every now and then. At that point I had been in A.A. long enough to know that I shouldn't do this all of the time and that I should compromise as much as possible. Do what I wanted to do but try to accommodate others.

This didn't work very well either. My selfish family had been used to getting their way for so long that they were loath to cede any control. They pushed back, and I often gave in. I don't like conflict, either. It's a nice addition to my people pleasing. And then when I'm mad I whip out the good old passive-aggressive playbook and really go to town. Sometimes I got my way but inevitably these people would poison the event by arriving late or dropping little hints of disapproval.

For example, for many years my mother would host a Thanksgiving meal. We would eat at either 2PM or 4PM, to accommodate church activities and children. This seemed like a weird time to eat to SuperK and me. I have trouble working up a big appetite at four in the afternoon, but we went along with it for many years. Finally, we offered to fix the meal and suggested 1PM, which is a normal meal time. Everyone agreed then showed up whenever they wanted. Some were on time but most weren't. The punctual ones had food to prepare and started to fuss around in the kitchen. We had timed the bulk of the meal for 1PM. We sat and looked each other across the table, watching the food cool.

Eventually I just began to lose interest. We have ceased fighting anybody or anything, the Book says. It's no fun being marginalized and manipulated all of the time. I started to duck events, at first with flimsy excuses and little white lies, then more openly. I quit inviting people to my house, preferring silence to unhappy guests. They wouldn't come -- giving flimsy excuses -- or made me miserable when they did.

Eventually, I have become comfortable with my behavior. It isn't ideal in any Rockwellian sense but I am consistent and forthright. My family doesn't understand. A few of them -- the drinkers, mostly -- are clearly hostile. The rest just keep inviting me to the same things over and over, to my eternal amazement.

I don't feel good writing about this kind of behavior. It feels petty.