How am I Acting?

Consistent: Holding to the same principles or practice.

One major goal in my sobriety has been to act in a consistent manner. This is in direct contrast to the wildly inconsistent and thoroughly bizarre life that I used to lead when I was drinking. I was a ticking time bomb. Everybody but me knew that I was a bomb. Everyone knew it was inevitable that I was going to blow; the only questions were when would I detonate and how big was the boom going to be. I wasn't even a fancy bomb. I was one of those black balls with a lit fuse coming out of it. It said "Bomb" on the side. I wasn't fooling anyone.

The Program has provided me with a lot of great friends. And I mean friends, not drinking buddies using me for their own selfish purposes. Over the years, these guys have gotten to know me very well. A little too well some of the time. I can't get away with very much any more. These guys aren't afraid to piss me off. A real friend knows that there are going to be some ups and downs in any relationship so they don't care if my delicate sensibilities get hurt from time to time. They're more interested in snuffing the fuse.

A Simple Prayer

God, please keep me clean and sober today. Help me never rely on my knowledge of my disease or my willpower, but on you and your mercy. Help me to never take my disease for granted. I know that I need to do the work today. I don't know what specific actions are going to keep me sober today so help me do a little bit of everything. Help me never to take my disease for granted. Help me never to relax or let down my guard.

Pain? Or Pleasure?

Rhetorical Question: A question asked, as in oratory or writing, only for rhetorical effect, to emphasize a point, introduce a topic, etc., no answer being expected.


We live in world full of perplexing questions. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do so many rhetorical questions use chickens to emphasize their point?


The truly profound question, of course, is this: Does my hatred for pain exceed my love of pleasure? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this. I spend virtually all of my time either fleeing from pain or endlessly pursuing pleasure. I can't get enough of either. I'm the kid in agony with a stomach ache, reaching for one more piece of candy. I'm the guy nursing a throbbing tooth, avoiding the needle-wielding dentist.


Basically, I'm a three year old trapped in an adult body. I'm still under the impression that I can skate through life avoiding all problems. I don't see why problems have to be part of the equation. This is the great attraction of alcohol for an alcoholic. It makes the pain go away. It fixes what ails me. It's an effective short term solution for everything.

We take the Long View here.

Present: Existing or happening now; in process.

Today I will try to live in the present. I will fail a lot of the time if my past performance is any indicator of future events. It is a profoundly difficult thing for me to do. I'm always trying to peak around the corner to see what's coming next. I'm trying to position myself so that things work out the way that I want them to work out. It can be frustrating to let the future unwind naturally and of its own accord. I'm frantically trying to keep things moving along quickly and with great force.

I waste a lot of time ignoring the here and now. I brush aside all of the wonderful things in my life as I try to manipulate what has not yet occurred. It may never occur. And when it does occur according to my specifications, half of the time it doesn't work out the way I had anticipated, at which point I'm forced to start to work on the future again. It's a real hamster cage. It's a real treadmill.

They're Out to Get Me

Paranoia: A mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions, as of grandeur, or, especially, persecution.

Today I am going to assume that everyone is out to get me. It's a big conspiracy. They're all sitting around, plotting, planning, figuring out the best techniques to get in my way and frustrate all of my dreams and ambitions. Their heads are so full of schemes that they have trouble falling asleep at night. There are stadiums packed with people taking seminars on how to drive me to the brink of insanity. Seminars with names like "Slow Driving" and "How to Be Unhelpful at Work."

The fact of the matter is that most people are thinking about me just about as much as I'm thinking about them, which is almost never. I don't pay attention to anyone unless I see how it will benefit me . Thinking of someone else is a waste of my time. It gets in the way of my thinking about myself, a full time job in its own right.

Remember: it's not paranoia if someone really is out to get you.

From Pain Shall Come Pleasure

Ouch: An exclamation expressing sudden pain.

I know what I want. I know how to go about getting what I want. I am definitely dialed in to what I don't want. Avoiding pain and pursuing pleasure is a trait that I share with other highly developed life forms like shrimp and moths and horseshoe crabs. It doesn't differentiate me from the rabble. It isn't something to be proud of. I don't walk around shouting: "Hey! Today I'm not going to stick my hand in the fire." That isn't impressive recognition of the known facts.

The trick is turning the adversity into an advantage. I don't have the mindset to see that a difficulty may lead to something better. I can't seem to get by the difficulty part. I'm sure that if I let even the smallest difficulty get by my armed guards that a veritable avalanche of really awful difficulties will overwhelm my defenses.

Pain is part of the equation. Don't focus on it.

Against All Odds

Today I will try to keep my head out of my ass. This is not as easy as it sounds, despite all of the yoga and stretching that I have to do to contort my body into this seemingly impossible physical position. I will try not to be such a dumb ass. I will strive to act in a non-dumb ass manner as often as I can. Since I have a natural tendency to do and say things that are usually reserved for individuals of the dumb ass persuasion, this will take all of the mental strength that I can muster.

There is a lot of beauty in the world around us. Nature is an amazing thing. People that can paint or sing or play music are quite nice. Poetry is unbelievable. Try reading some poetry some time. God -- who is definitely not a dumb ass -- expresses him/her self through the physical world and through the acts of spiritual people. Turn off the TV. The TV is a breeder of dumb asses and not the pinnacle of spiritual expression. I don't feel closer to God after watching TV.

I read a poem this morning by John Keats so I'm feeling pretty full of myself.