Things I Don't Like Doing

There's a lot of truth to the idea that relationships formed over long periods of time are like battleships.  It's awfully hard to turn them around on a dime.

Part of my angst with this trip is that I can't shake the idea that it's a chore.  It's not joyless, exactly, but it's a long way from joyful.  This isn't unusual for a trip like this and it doesn't make me a bad guy but it causes guilt to seep to the surface like some poisonous fracking byproduct.  

As a general rule I don't miss my folks all that much and I sure don't enjoy having the short time I spend with them be of an onerous nature.  Almost everything we do is like slogging through thick mud.  There is a lack of speed and ease.

I'm not very patient.  I don't like doing things I don't like doing.

Fun in the Air

The second leg of my flight to The Old City was delayed by weather, if by "weather" you mean "we're saying weather because then we don't have to pay for a hotel or comp you for any inconvenience this may cause you."  The 3 hour delay was irritating in and of itself.  The 3 hour delay put me at my final destination 2 hours after my rental car counter agency closed for the night which turbocharged the irritation.  

SuperK suggested that I go to the service counter of the offending airline if by "service" you mean "get the %$!! away from me."  Reluctantly and with little hope I did so.  I'm not so good when I'm in the mood to be pissed.

"That's rough," the lady said, making a sympathetic looking face.  My options were to try to find a hotel with a shuttle at 3 in the morning for less than the cost of 8 ounces of gold bullion or take a taxi to my sister's house, incurring a cost nearly as large as renting a car for an entire week or asking my sister to come pick me up.  She offered to do anything to help - Anything! -short of coming to pick me up, which was the help that I needed.

It's only help if you're doing something that someone wants done.

I called a buddy in The Program.  He drove through the pouring rain to pick me up at 3AM then drove me out to my sister's house.  He packed a bag of food for me.

This Program.  Where else you gonna find friends like that?

Little Stevie Seaweed - On the Road Again

Whenever I have some type of problem in my life - real or imagined - the source of my problem invariably comes down to powerlessness.  I have begun to labor - once again - under the illusion that I'm in control of something.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.   I'm not in control of much.  

Whenever I struggle with my powerlessness I find that the solution can be found in the concept of acceptance.  I need to accept people for who they are, not who I want them to be.  A world populated by millions and millions of Little Stevie Seaweeds would be a grim and dysfunctional place indeed.  I believe that Dante's 10th Circle of Hell is full of Little Stevie Seaweeds, banging their little drums of outrage and frustration.  There's quite a din.

Whenever I need to work on my acceptance I find that trying to place myself into a position of maximum service fits the bill.  It really works.  It's beyond counter intuitive.  The more I think about myself - my favorite thing to think about  - the unhappier I become.   I don't really know how I could fit more thinking-about-myself time into a 24 hour day.  It's really a full time job.

I'm not going home because I want to.  I'm going home because I think I can be of service.  And I'm not going home to be of service in the way that I think I should be of service.  I'm going home to help people in a manner that they want to be helped.  It doesn't matter what I think of their plans - it's what I can do to help make their lives easier.

This Program can be SO FRUSTRATING!

Richard

Dick:  A highly contemptible person.  (Ed. Note: Hats Off! to Wikipedia on this one - I was totally prepared to make up my own definition, and credit it to American Heritage but the Wiki folks hit a solid double off the center field fence).

I've noticed that when you're going through something difficult that I handle it fine.  My advice is solid.  My perspective unquestioned.  By me, anyway.  You may be questioning it for all I know but that's grist for a different mill, whatever that means.

The dickish part comes when I compare how I think you should deal with your difficulty as compared to how I should deal with a nearly identical difficulty.  Your difficulty is no big deal while my nearly identical difficulty is a Huge Deal!  You should quit complaining and get over it already while I complain and complain and complain.

And complain.

So it's like this: SuperK and I are members in good standing of a large, faceless corporation.  We pay good money to belong to this organization and receive virtually nothing of value in return, outside of some peace of mind.  I know: it's not a very good deal for us, although peace of mind can be a very valuable commodity.  One of the benefits of a member in good standing is a membership number.  Let's say we've been given the number 47.

The large, faceless corporation has replaced our bad product with a marginally better product that they've decided is going to cost 3X more in our national currency.  Again, not a great deal for us.  So we decided to cancel the old, not very good but now a lot more expensive product and replace it with something completely different.  Because the product provides us with peace of mind it's very important that we don't cancel the old membership until we've received a new membership number.  The number is very important.  Without it, you can't call the corporation to find out why, in this particular instance, you're not going to receive any benefits for your membership.

"What's your membership number?" they ask, right away, in a vaguely aggressive manner.  If you can't give them a number you're shit out of luck.  I know this for a fact.  That number is the key to any unsatisfactory answers that you're going to get.

So we get a letter asking us to pay for the new product, which we do.  The letter gives us an application number but no new membership number.  Are we new members or mere applicants?  We don't know, so we call the big corporation.  We're shunted into their Voice Recognition System which listens to what you say and then asks if you've said something completely different.

"We'd like to check on our membership," we say.
"You'd like to chuck your friendship?" the machine says.

SuperK and begin to argue about whether we should be in the membership section or in the applicant section.  We're kind of both.  As we go at it we can hear the Voice Recognition Lady in the background asking us to repeat things or making helpful-sounding comments: "I'm sorry, I don't understand - did you want to chuck your friendship?"

As we continue to debate the VRL suddenly says: "I'm going to transfer you to a representative."

We collapse into laughter.  That's one smart VRL.

"I'm sorry but I'm tired of listening to you bitch at one another."

We were, of course, disconnected.

Camera. Lights! Action!!

Action:  Something done so as to accomplish a purpose.
Purpose:  An object to be reached; a target; an aim; a goal; a result that is desired.

Sometimes I get stuck with my writing.  It's such a good thing for me to do for myself.  Writing  or talking with someone else about what I have going on in my life are actions that help me gain perspective.  I'm a big fan of prayer and meditation but that stuff seems so mental, so internal, and mental and internal are not always in my best interest. Thoughts organize themselves when I'm putting pen to paper and the similarities of my friends' experiences astounds me.  

I have really, really, really been trying to control the circumstances of my rapidly approaching trip home.  I'm really trying to get people to line up in a straight line and do my bidding.  This is fraught with difficulties when the people I'm trying to control are right in front of me - it's quite the party trick when they're 2500 miles away.

That being said it's a long trip, in the middle of the winter, and I want to make sure that my family understands this.  I need to give up the controlling-the-world part while maintaining the I'm-not-doing-this-for-the-hell-of-it part.  I'm coming back to do something.  I'm not coming back because I want to come back.  I'm coming back to help out or something or something else.

Right?  Isn't that right?

Five Year Old Seaweed

When I contemplate a problem my goal is to make the problem go away.  It isn't to learn from the problem.  I have no interest in gaining any perspective in my life by dealing with my problems in a healthy, adult fashion.  I simply want them to . . . go . . . away.

This is all well and good, befitting my position in the world as a five year old in a decidedly not five year old body.  I think it's OK to try to overcome difficulties.  The thing with me is (Ed. note: this is what SuperK says to me all the time and it never ends well for me: "The thing about you is . . . ") I have no patience with difficulties and I'd prefer they go somewhere else.  Problems are part of life and problems are always going to be with me.  I'm not going to cope very well with the world if I have to get rid of them in their entirety.  It's not gonna happen,.

Bah humbug.  A pox on the soul of problems.  Fie thee hence, problems, and get thee behind me.