Perfection: The quality or condition of being perfect; extreme degree of excellence according to a given standard.
Today I am going to do everything perfectly. I am not going to make any mistakes. Not one. Moreover, I'm going to hold everyone else that I come into contact with to this highest of standards. In fact, I'm going to devote most of my time to evaluating the relative perfection of the rest of the world. Why spend time on myself since I make very few mistakes? And, since I'm sacrificing my own very, very valuable time to this pursuit -- staring into space and watching TV and the like -- it only makes sense that I point out your mistakes.
And, no matter what I manage to accomplish, it's not going to be enough. I'm going to feel bad about it. I'm going to beat myself up for not doing more. Then I'm going to take out my frustrations with myself on you, by pointing out what you've done wrong, even if you haven't done anything wrong. I don't let facts get in the way of my justified anger. Facts can be an inconvenient roadblock when I'm trying to make myself feel better by making you feel worse.
Time to give myself a break. Time to give everyone else a break.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Are We There Yet?
Happy: Having, showing, or causing a feeling of great pleasure, contentment, joy, etc.; joyous; glad; pleased.
Now we're talking: "great pleasure." I like the sound of that. Contentment really doesn't have the kick that I like. Great pleasure sounds like a double shot of whiskey; contentment sounds like half a glass of wine once in a while on a special occasion. Joy is something you do in church or at a high school pep rally: sing joyous songs, rejoice joyfully, spread glad tidings of great joy, etc. I'm not into gladness or being pleased, either. I don't know what those words mean and I'm not looking them up. They sound like they should be in a Robert Frost poem, not a hard rock bar at 2AM. People aren't pleased when they are screaming for an encore. They are pumped, stoked, revved up.
I like to complicate things. I like big emotions. I like to be on top of the world, riding a monster wave. I like to move at high speed. I don't want to do the little things so that everything works out in the long run. I don't like to do the work. I want everything to come easily and have a big payoff.
These are not the ramblings emanating from a sane, mature state of mind. Most people learn these things as they age normally. I got stuck as a 17 year old. I didn't learn how to move past my own self interest. I couldn't grasp the idea that happiness comes when I lose myself in service to others and in pursuit of spiritual growth.
Now we're talking: "great pleasure." I like the sound of that. Contentment really doesn't have the kick that I like. Great pleasure sounds like a double shot of whiskey; contentment sounds like half a glass of wine once in a while on a special occasion. Joy is something you do in church or at a high school pep rally: sing joyous songs, rejoice joyfully, spread glad tidings of great joy, etc. I'm not into gladness or being pleased, either. I don't know what those words mean and I'm not looking them up. They sound like they should be in a Robert Frost poem, not a hard rock bar at 2AM. People aren't pleased when they are screaming for an encore. They are pumped, stoked, revved up.
I like to complicate things. I like big emotions. I like to be on top of the world, riding a monster wave. I like to move at high speed. I don't want to do the little things so that everything works out in the long run. I don't like to do the work. I want everything to come easily and have a big payoff.
These are not the ramblings emanating from a sane, mature state of mind. Most people learn these things as they age normally. I got stuck as a 17 year old. I didn't learn how to move past my own self interest. I couldn't grasp the idea that happiness comes when I lose myself in service to others and in pursuit of spiritual growth.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
It's Not as Complicated as I Make It
Happy: Favored by circumstances; lucky; fortunate.
I spend a lot of time trying to get happy, wondering if I'm happy right now, and planning for future happiness. It is my second favorite pursuit. Nothing gets anywhere near my interest in avoiding pain. That's the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Pain beats the shit out of happy. I would much rather escape the clutches of pain than be cradled in the soft blanket of happiness. Little kids are happy. Puppies are happy. They just are -- they don't have to spend every waking minute trying to be happy, like I do, except when I'm not running like hell from pain.
Every now and then I'm grateful for The Program. It doesn't come easily but I do get there from time to time. The Program has provided me with quite a good road map for achieving some of that reasonable happiness. And, to my great surprise, it's not the accumulation of sex, money, and power, despite the strong urges that I have to get a lot of that stuff.
People that are happy have a logical sense of what the world is all about. They have a concept of a power greater than themselves. They are part of a community of people that think life is made up of more than the pursuit of self-interest. They have some regard for their mental, emotional, and physical health. They try to do things for the common good, to think of others, to help others.
Where in the world can I find some people like that?
I spend a lot of time trying to get happy, wondering if I'm happy right now, and planning for future happiness. It is my second favorite pursuit. Nothing gets anywhere near my interest in avoiding pain. That's the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Pain beats the shit out of happy. I would much rather escape the clutches of pain than be cradled in the soft blanket of happiness. Little kids are happy. Puppies are happy. They just are -- they don't have to spend every waking minute trying to be happy, like I do, except when I'm not running like hell from pain.
Every now and then I'm grateful for The Program. It doesn't come easily but I do get there from time to time. The Program has provided me with quite a good road map for achieving some of that reasonable happiness. And, to my great surprise, it's not the accumulation of sex, money, and power, despite the strong urges that I have to get a lot of that stuff.
People that are happy have a logical sense of what the world is all about. They have a concept of a power greater than themselves. They are part of a community of people that think life is made up of more than the pursuit of self-interest. They have some regard for their mental, emotional, and physical health. They try to do things for the common good, to think of others, to help others.
Where in the world can I find some people like that?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
More Bad News
Hardship: Hard circumstances of life; a thing hard to bear; specific cause of discomfort or suffering, as poverty, pain, etc.
"Accepting hardship as a pathway to Peace."
I personally would rather be infused with peace while I sleep. I want to be struck peaceful. I want peace to hit me like a Mack truck. I want to find myself in a bright beam of white light, and then feel an overwhelming sense of peace. This seems to be the simplest and least painful way to get some peace. I don't want to suffer to gain some peace of mind. Who comes up with this stuff? Hardship? Discomfort? Pain? Let's string that guy up by his ankles and watch him turn blue.
This Reinhold Niebuhr guy really wants to lodge a chicken bone in my craw. I'm all about the not suffering. That's my whole philosophy of life: avoiding pain. This is why a lot of us move from beer to hard liquor, or from weed to crack. We want to feel better -- a LOT better -- RIGHT NOW. We don't want to suffer so that we can be reasonably happy. We don't want to suffer at all. Ever. For any reason. We don't want suffering to interfere with euphoria. We prefer euphoria. When given a choice, we always pick euphoria.
I think if I write the word euphoria once more, it'll be a little over the top.
Euphoria.
"Accepting hardship as a pathway to Peace."
I personally would rather be infused with peace while I sleep. I want to be struck peaceful. I want peace to hit me like a Mack truck. I want to find myself in a bright beam of white light, and then feel an overwhelming sense of peace. This seems to be the simplest and least painful way to get some peace. I don't want to suffer to gain some peace of mind. Who comes up with this stuff? Hardship? Discomfort? Pain? Let's string that guy up by his ankles and watch him turn blue.
This Reinhold Niebuhr guy really wants to lodge a chicken bone in my craw. I'm all about the not suffering. That's my whole philosophy of life: avoiding pain. This is why a lot of us move from beer to hard liquor, or from weed to crack. We want to feel better -- a LOT better -- RIGHT NOW. We don't want to suffer so that we can be reasonably happy. We don't want to suffer at all. Ever. For any reason. We don't want suffering to interfere with euphoria. We prefer euphoria. When given a choice, we always pick euphoria.
I think if I write the word euphoria once more, it'll be a little over the top.
Euphoria.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Reasonably Happy
Reasonable: Not extreme; sensible; sane.
Let's take a bit of time to really criticize the shit out of some of the most frustrating parts of the prayer. One of the lines that grabbed me by the throat was the one containing the phrase "reasonably happy." I only have a passing acquaintance with reason. The concepts of sensibility, sanity, and moderation are alien to me. I don't want reasonable happiness. I want to be extremely happy. I want to be euphorically happy. I want life to be a shot of heroin, not a nice cup of herbal tea.
Coded somewhere deep in my alcoholic DNA is the belief that I can always be very, very happy and that pain is strictly optional. This is not normal programming. This is programming performed by a rogue hacker who is trying to crash the whole system. This is a computer infected with a virus and a worm, then set on fire and thrown out a second story window into heavy truck traffic. Even if this was normal programming -- which I will emphasize again that it is not -- life on life's terms will do some reprogramming.
Not extreme. Sensible! Sane. It's funny how often the concepts of sanity and insanity come up when we are discussing the behavior of alcoholics.
Let's take a bit of time to really criticize the shit out of some of the most frustrating parts of the prayer. One of the lines that grabbed me by the throat was the one containing the phrase "reasonably happy." I only have a passing acquaintance with reason. The concepts of sensibility, sanity, and moderation are alien to me. I don't want reasonable happiness. I want to be extremely happy. I want to be euphorically happy. I want life to be a shot of heroin, not a nice cup of herbal tea.
Coded somewhere deep in my alcoholic DNA is the belief that I can always be very, very happy and that pain is strictly optional. This is not normal programming. This is programming performed by a rogue hacker who is trying to crash the whole system. This is a computer infected with a virus and a worm, then set on fire and thrown out a second story window into heavy truck traffic. Even if this was normal programming -- which I will emphasize again that it is not -- life on life's terms will do some reprogramming.
Not extreme. Sensible! Sane. It's funny how often the concepts of sanity and insanity come up when we are discussing the behavior of alcoholics.
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Serenity Prayer Unabridged
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things that I can.
And wisdom to know the difference.
OK, fair enough. The Serenity Prayer as we know it, which was called The Acceptance Prayer when Reinhold Niebuhr wrote it in the early 30s. Sorry, Program-oids, but Bill Wilson didn't have anything to do with this one. Pretty irritating but most of us have coughed it out once or twice, even though praying for serenity, courage, and wisdom to be more accepting seems to be a waste of good prayer time.
Did you know there is more? The long version. Kind of like Inna Gadda Da Vida.
Living one day at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to Peace.
Taking this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting
that You will make all things right
If I surrender to your will,
So that I may be
Reasonably happy
In this life and
Supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I did perform a couple of minor edits, removing an overtly religious word or two, even though Reverend Niebuhr was an ordained Protestant evangelical, who could reasonably be expected to talk about religious matters. Like most people in the world, in my humble opinion, he is not "doing it right."
I'm going to eyeball this train wreck a little more closely.
Courage to change the things that I can.
And wisdom to know the difference.
OK, fair enough. The Serenity Prayer as we know it, which was called The Acceptance Prayer when Reinhold Niebuhr wrote it in the early 30s. Sorry, Program-oids, but Bill Wilson didn't have anything to do with this one. Pretty irritating but most of us have coughed it out once or twice, even though praying for serenity, courage, and wisdom to be more accepting seems to be a waste of good prayer time.
Did you know there is more? The long version. Kind of like Inna Gadda Da Vida.
Living one day at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to Peace.
Taking this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting
that You will make all things right
If I surrender to your will,
So that I may be
Reasonably happy
In this life and
Supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I did perform a couple of minor edits, removing an overtly religious word or two, even though Reverend Niebuhr was an ordained Protestant evangelical, who could reasonably be expected to talk about religious matters. Like most people in the world, in my humble opinion, he is not "doing it right."
I'm going to eyeball this train wreck a little more closely.
I Can't Hear You If I'm Talking
Hear: To listen to and consider; specifically, to take notice of; pay attention to.
Being a judgemental, self-righteous, know-it-all spiritual giant, it's awfully difficult for me to find anyone who can help me in any manner whatsoever. And I'm comfortable including any God, Higher Power, or Supreme Being of the Universe in this rather broad statement. I'm pretty much OK on my own.
That being said I do try to pay attention at meetings long enough to pick up at least one or two things that I can put to practical use in my life. It's not easy. I don't have too many questions. I have a lot of answers, mainly. Good answers, too, not just stuff that I've made up. There's not too much that I don't know and even less that I'll seek advice for.
Acceptance can be as simple as showing unconditional love by listening to others speak. I can't listen when I'm talking. I can't listen when I'm preparing my speech. I can learn new things when I listen to what others say, and this includes people that annoy or irritate me from time to time, which is pretty much everybody, especially people who remind me of myself. These people are poisonous.
Being a judgemental, self-righteous, know-it-all spiritual giant, it's awfully difficult for me to find anyone who can help me in any manner whatsoever. And I'm comfortable including any God, Higher Power, or Supreme Being of the Universe in this rather broad statement. I'm pretty much OK on my own.
That being said I do try to pay attention at meetings long enough to pick up at least one or two things that I can put to practical use in my life. It's not easy. I don't have too many questions. I have a lot of answers, mainly. Good answers, too, not just stuff that I've made up. There's not too much that I don't know and even less that I'll seek advice for.
Acceptance can be as simple as showing unconditional love by listening to others speak. I can't listen when I'm talking. I can't listen when I'm preparing my speech. I can learn new things when I listen to what others say, and this includes people that annoy or irritate me from time to time, which is pretty much everybody, especially people who remind me of myself. These people are poisonous.
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