Who Are You Again?

In the Doctor's Opinion the good doctor relates an incident where a former patient walked into his office after some sober time in our brand spanking new Twelve Step Program and was so changed that he was virtually unrecognizable.  The doctor sensed that he had known this man but couldn't make the jump from the trembling, destroyed alcoholic who first entered his office to someone full of the joy of life, self-confident and relaxed.  I've looked at the occasional picture of myself at the end of my drinking life.  I don't do it too often because it's an unpleasant experience.  Qualifiers like "Undateable" and "Unemployable" come to mind.  I thought I was fooling people, pulling the wool over their eyes as to the kind of life I was living?  Holy Moly, mother of god I was fooling precisely no one.

I had been sober for a little while and was visiting my family in sincity when I ran into the mother of one of my best friends while walking through a local shopping mall.  I strode over, big smile on my face, happy to see her, a mama who had always been kind to me and a favorite of mine, and was perplexed to see a confused look on her face.  She did not recognize me.  I had to introduce myself.  I'm sure I thought that she was deep into dementia or had cataracts occluding her eyesight because who in the hell could forget me?  I recall being mildly offended.  "Boy, I must have made a big impact on her."  That kind of thinking.  Today I understand that we change as we get healthy.  We look different, so different that people don't recognize us immediately or they don't recognize us at all.

Tension and stress and fear and anxiety are written large on our faces.  The damage caused by smoking and using and drinking and not getting enough sleep and eating like shit show on our faces.  I guess the destruction is so slow-motion that we don't pick up on the changes.  Boy, aren't you glad you're sober?