Tirelessly Complaining

As a general rule I don't present myself as a potential sponsor very often as I think this is a task/chore for newer people who are closer to the horrors of active alcoholism than I am.  And I travel a lot which is disruptive to continuity in the recovery process.  Aaaaaaaaand I don't really want to do it anymore.  New people are annoying and I'm intolerant and impatient, a bad combination.  So you can see it takes me a while slinging bullshit before I get to the truth of the matter.

Back to this new guy who poked and prodded me about my willingness to be a sponsor until I agreed to step in.  This guy got burned with a DUI during his latest experiment with drinking and he has been struggling with some significant changes in his field of employment which is stressing him financially.  As if all this is not enough he has been cycling back and forth to the Midwest to deal with his aging parents: his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and is undergoing treatment for that while his ex-military father is descending into dementia.  He has a lot on his plate.  He is also not working much of a recovery program so when we do talk (by that I mean he talks) I'm assaulted by a lengthy litany of self-pity and grievance.

While this is understandable and common and I realize I'm fulfilling a need of his by simply listening, I'm beginning to tire of the complaining.  I get it - life can be tough.  I also get this - most of my problems are of my own making or they are problems that everyone is going to face from time to time.  Life is fair that way.  We're all going to get sick and die.  Complaining about it isn't going to change anything.

Here's what I want to say to him: "I'm sorry that you are going through these difficulties.  One of the things that has helped me over the years is trying to differentiate between the problem and the solution.  I tend to focus on the problem and this is not helpful in the long run.  I also tend to discount my part in taking the problem and making it bigger and badder than it needs to be.  I also tend to ignore my part in the problem in the first place.

First of all: your DUI.  I do not doubt that there is some truth in your belief that there is a financial interest for The Authorities in imposing penalties.  This is America, after all.  Money is King.  Money Rules.  I also understand that when I was getting behind the wheel of a car when I was drunk I'm lucky I didn't wreck my car or wreck my car and injure myself or wreck my car and injure or kill someone else.  The rules and penalties are laid out.  When I got caught doing something wrong or illegal it was hardly fair for me to complain about the punishment no matter how unfair or excessive I thought the punishment was.  So today when I have a problem I try to get past the problem and get to the solution, to look on the bright side.  You could be sitting in jail right now, not earning money or helping care for your parents.  You're actually pretty lucky that everything has turned out the way it turned out.

Second of all and lastly - be grateful there's no thirdly of all for how tiring would that be? - I don't get the sense that you are part of any recovery community.  I don't care if it's not Alcoholics Anonymous.  That doesn't work for everyone.  I do suspect that without the support and care of other people - church, group therapy, whatever you choose - that your recovery is going to be a lot more of a slog than it needs to be.  There are few things worse than me sitting alone and relitigating my problems in my own mind.  That's a scary, dysfunctional, diseased place a lot of the time.

I'm definitely going to run this by someone before I send it to him.