Lots of Good Reading Material Out There

In the January 17 entry in A.A.'s Daily Reflections the writer says this about entering The Program: "Its not that I wanted help so much at the time; I simply did not want to hurt like that again.  My desire to avoid hitting bottom again was more powerful than my desire to drink."

I identify with this kind of thinking, believing that for much of my drunken history I wasn't having fun so much as desperately trying to avoid pain.  And, at the end, I was just trying to obliterate reality.  I knew, for instance, that if I didn't eat any dinner the alcohol would hit me earlier and harder and I could end the misery of the day and go to sleep.  It wasn't fun.  It was a hammer upside my head and then oblivion.  It wasn't so important to feel good - the idea was not to feel anything.

Here's some Toltec wisdom: "What is right and what is wrong - it was all within me already.  All that knowledge, all those rules and concepts about how to behave in the world.  I didn't choose my religion or my moral values - they were already there before I was born.  I never had to choose what to believe or what not to believe."

I'm grateful to my parents for teaching me to brush my teeth and go to school.  Did I need them to tell me not to beat puppies or say something that made another person cry?  I think that stuff is part of our makeup.  I've read that human beings are the only animals that will injure or kill another for reasons that don't pertain to reproduction or food.  So I guess our big brains aren't as impressive as we think they are.  We can design moon rockets but have trouble grasping the idea that we can use our fists just for the hell of it.

Here's another Toltec thought about what motivates our behavior: "We became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.  With that fear of being punished and that fear of not getting the reward, we start pretending to be what we are not, just to please others, just to be good enough."

Man, it can be hard being myself.  Man, can I look back on my past life and see how much time I spent dissembling to be who I thought you wanted me to be.  What a lie I lived!

From The Big Book story called "Our Southern Friend comes this ending barrage of thoughts and emotions (with some editing for flow and continuity): "The same old problems and worries surround me.  Members of my family annoy me.  Nothing seems to be working out right.  I go to see a man I had been asked to visit and tell my story.  I feel much better!  The next day I am very unhappy so I talk to the stranger in the seat beside me.  The fear and the insane ideas are taken away.  I am learning that I cannot have my own way as I used to.  I should do some constructive acts of love without expecting any return.  But, I begin to play God.  I feel that I can fix everyone.  I do not fix anyone, but I am getting part of a tremendous education and I have made some new friends.  I have learned that honesty is truth, and that truth shall make us free!"