Hog Wild

Whenever I'm not good enough for myself it's usually because I don't fit with my own image of perfection and not because someone else is judging me as unsatisfactory, as falling short of an ideal.  It's as if I can't forgive myself for not being what I wish to be, or rather what I believe I should be.  I cannot forgive myself for not being perfect.  The problem as I see it comes when I don't accept myself.  I reject myself because I'm not what I pretend to be.  I want to be a certain way, but I'm not, and for leads to shame and guilt.  I punish myself endlessly for not being what I believe I should be.

The way I judge myself makes me the worst judge that ever existed.  No one in my life has ever heaped as much abuse on myself as I have.  If someone treated me the way I can occasionally treat myself I'd punch them in the nose and I've never punched anyone in the nose, ever.

I struggle with this constant balancing act between moving forward too aggressively and sitting still too passively.  Mostly, with me, the problem is the need for speed, the need to move and shift and change.  I don't like things too quickly and I want to change them too recklessly.  I'm not great at just sitting still.  Which feels like doing nothing.  Which is the definition of sitting still, goddammit.  I have engaged in a lifelong struggle with quiet and patience, with waiting for some things to come to me instead of my going out and tackling them (or hog-tying them - more on that in a minute).  If I don't nurture my quiet self then my reckless self runs hog wild.  (Ed. Note: Hog Wild is a great phrase.  It would also be a great name for a Big Hair Band.  I could also see this as a song on Motley Crue's third album.)  The frustration for me occurs when I'm not that thrilled with what's going on while simultaneously clueless about what I need to go hog wild on.  This leads to unrestrained, thoughtless, unproductive hog wildness.  

Any fool can see this doesn't benefit anyone.