Masters of Manipulation

One of the newer men I talk to after our meeting is in his 40s, recently divorced, and - like most of us when we were new - worried about his future, remorseful over all the mistakes he made while drinking and eager to charge into a new life that he's constructed in his mind.  How often do we see this!  We've made a grand mess of things and we're in a hurry to make up for lost time.  But here's the thing about time: it doesn't really care what you think or what you want.  It's an immutable fact of existence.  It has always been here and it will always be here and it's never going to change.  We can count on time to be reliable.  Sometimes time seems to slow down and sometimes it seems to speed up but that is only our human perception.

My friend is/was in a relationship that he values but things have hit a snag.  His girlfriend has pulled back and he's understandably finding this very frustrating and worrisome.  I see the same behavior over and over in people who want something and are determined to manipulate events so that it works out the way they want it to work out.  Sometimes we behave consciously and sometimes our motives are hidden under thick layers of self-justification.  We're masters of this kind of behavior: we wheedle and whine and try to get our way by making our target feel sorry for us and react out of guilt; we drive forward forcefully and try to overpower our target to get them to do what we want; we practice passive-aggressive behavior, a masterful, subtle, and powerful skill that alcoholics have honed into a razor-sharp technique; we get pissed off and slam doors shut for good, forever, unwilling to wait patiently to see how things play out, to allow our target to work through their issues.  We do all of this stuff.  What we have trouble doing is to act with patience and consideration, to put the needs of the other person ahead of our own.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.