Lost in the Fog

I am not my thoughts.  The idea is to be aware of them and watch them arise and subside without judgement or criticism.  The idea is to look at them with curiosity but no attachment.  They're just thoughts!  Electrical impulses between neurons!  Or something!  Am I aware or am I lost in the fog?

Without awareness my attachments and history coerce me into taking actions that conform to the belief systems of other people.  I don't like other people so why would I try to conform to their belief systems!  This isn't free will at all.  What I've done is to give up my personal freedom in order to maintain ideas that others planted in me long ago.  I traded in who I really am for what I think you think I should be. You're probably an idiot!  No offense but most people are idiots!  I'M an idiot!  This transference can be particularly troublesome when I'm dealing with other people because I'm not really seeing who they are today but rather projecting an identity on them that's outdated and based on our shared past.   

Then there's my contrarian nature.  Even when I have good intentions doing the opposite simply for the sake of being different isn't free will.  Here I'm letting the opposite choice create my identity.  To put it bluntly - I'm still allowing you to define who I am.

Instead of being tied to an automatic decision or its opposite, awareness allows me to be conscious of all the possibilities that are available.  The more I practice awareness the less automatic my choices and judgements will be.  The more I will be me.

The simple act of pausing before making a decision or taking an action, thinking about what I really want in a situation versus what may be an automatic choice, is the first step in breaking the cycle of the automatic.