I'm always trying to balance the tension between striving versus straining and struggling and forcing things. This is one of the Themes of My Life. I think about this balancing act when I'm trying to do almost everything. Am I pushing forward or am I using my big sledgehammer to pound a square peg into a round hole? I don't want to put out this fire because it's so integral to who I am. Who would I be without this engine revving high? I cannot imagine a laid-back Seaweed. It would be weird. But, on the other hand, I have so many self-inflicted injuries caused when I've repeatedly try to walk through a cinder block wall, face first. I'm not great at learning lessons when I think I've got a good idea. I'm terrible at listening to advice to other people when I've got my mind set on something. But without this internal fire I'd have trouble getting things done.
I want to get things done!
I wouldn't call this a mental illness. Maybe a baked-in character trait? I'm assuming I'll spend the rest of my life learning how to deal with it. I'm no longer trying to get over it. Maybe I should burrow under it. Maybe I should dress in a disguise to try to fool it. Maybe Scrooge McDuck or Mr. Peanut. Don't laugh - you could do worse than Mr. Peanut.
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