Inventory and the Fifth Step and Instincts Gone Astray

Rampage:  Rush around in a violent and uncontrollable manner; a state of violent anger or agitation.

Balk:  Hesitate or be unwilling to accept an idea or undertaking. 

Instincts on rampage balk at investigation.

Ceaselessly: Continuously and without end.

These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundation of whatever sort of life we try to build. . . .

I had a friend in sincity who loved the use of the wood-devouring insect termite as a metaphor - or is it a simile? - for his mind. I'd catch him on the phone and inquire after his mental health. Sometimes he'd just say: "Termites" and we'd both laugh at the image of a horde of negative thoughts eating away at his serenity. Unseen, unbidden, destroying from within without leaving any visible signs of destructions.

We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping.  As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.

We spend a great deal of time trying to reinforce the idea that we need to make amends; that we need to make amends without any qualifiers, with no "buts;" and that the reaction of the amendee is none of our business. We are sweeping our side of the street. Many if not most of the amendees have our best interests at heart and are thrilled to hear that we're trying to get some help while remaining understandably suspicious. We've said we're sorry and that we won't do it again so many times and then promptly doing it again that most other people are a tad wary of our lying bullshit. That being said the sincere apology for past behavior is the amend. We may need to apologize more than once as we practice being actually sincere and to assure the amendee that we are indeed sincere but then it's enough already. We don't beg for forgiveness. We don't apologize forever. We don't listen to an airing of the grievances over and over and over. We are no longer pieces of garbage living in the garbage dump. We're fuck-ups, sure, but we're trying to fuck up with less frequency so having another person - to whom we've apologized - rehash our behavior forever is not going to cut it. We're looking forward with optimism and confidence and listening to someone detail our mistakes repeatedly is a hindrance and not a help.