Like, Whatever, Dude

This is from today's Daily Reflections, our A.A. approved literature where members comment on an idea or concept from our Program that resonates with them personally: "When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect.  But today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, but I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it.  I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me.  If I get your approval, that's fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it."

I know this is a big theme in my own personal reflections.  I also know I have to guard against a little bit of self-satisfaction, a little smugness, in this approach to the world, as if I'm a "I do whatever I want" kind of dude.  That approach leads to selfishness and insensitivity.  However, one of the greatest freedoms I've been blessed to receive in my recovery is that I'm not so dialed into what you think of me.  I enjoy approval; approval often means I'm behaving pretty well so there's that; but if I am acting unauthentically, if I'm not being Stevie Seaweed, then . . .  then .  . . what the fuck, you know?  It's uncomfortable moving through life changing my behavior and beliefs so that you'll like me.  Most people like me or they're neutral, detached, and that's all well and good and is as it should be.  And there are a few people - I hope it's only a few - that find me off-putting.  Why would I think this is not the normal state of affairs?  If everyone finds me irritating then maybe I can take a longer look at my behavior but as long as it's a smallish subset of people that seems pretty reasonable.  Again, there are people out there who are popular and well-liked but leave me with that foul, metallic taste in my mouth.  Why this is shall remain a mystery but it seems to be the way of the world.