Like, Whatever, Dude

This is from today's Daily Reflections, our A.A. approved literature where members comment on an idea or concept from our Program that resonates with them personally: "When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect.  But today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, but I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it.  I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me.  If I get your approval, that's fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it."

I know this is a big theme in my own personal reflections.  I also know I have to guard against a little bit of self-satisfaction, a little smugness, in this approach to the world, as if I'm a "I do whatever I want" kind of dude.  That approach leads to selfishness and insensitivity.  However, one of the greatest freedoms I've been blessed to receive in my recovery is that I'm not so dialed into what you think of me.  I enjoy approval; approval often means I'm behaving pretty well so there's that; but if I am acting unauthentically, if I'm not being Stevie Seaweed, then . . .  then .  . . what the fuck, you know?  It's uncomfortable moving through life changing my behavior and beliefs so that you'll like me.  Most people like me or they're neutral, detached, and that's all well and good and is as it should be.  And there are a few people - I hope it's only a few - that find me off-putting.  Why would I think this is not the normal state of affairs?  If everyone finds me irritating then maybe I can take a longer look at my behavior but as long as it's a smallish subset of people that seems pretty reasonable.  Again, there are people out there who are popular and well-liked but leave me with that foul, metallic taste in my mouth.  Why this is shall remain a mystery but it seems to be the way of the world.

It's Enough Already With All of the People

Today after the morning meeting I spent some time working the room as people filed out.  This is really my favorite part of the meeting.  The "meeting" part can be tedious and long-winded sometimes and it pains me to say that if by "pains me to say that" you mean "doesn't really pain me to say that."  I'm not stating for a fact that some people are tedious and long-winded but they sure as shit strike me that way from time to time.  Some people interpret the three minute timer as a suggestion similar to the one that everyone should always stop at a yellow light.  It's not a three minutes for everyone else timer - it's a three minutes for you timer.  Other people interpret the three minute timer as a mark that needs to be hit before they stop talking.  It's not a marker indicating that you have to completely fill up the entire three minutes.  It's a timer telling you that holy shit, you've talked for three minutes in a room with thirty people.  I like to hear myself talk as much as the next person but three minutes?  That's the Gettysburg Address for chrissake.

I'm way, way off topic here.  The topic isn't self-righteous indignation although that is probably one of my Top Five topics.  Anyway, I try to track down people who have something going on that I perceive they may want to expound upon at more length than is seemly during the meeting itself.  I like the back and forth of a one on one conversation.  I try to be the last one to leave the meeting room so that anyone who wants/needs to talk gets the opportunity to do so.  Then, as I made my way down to the beach, I had an hour conversation with an old friend from high school; a guy I love dearly and enjoy talking to immensely but c'mon, an hour?  That's Einstein solving the Theory of Relativity for chrissake.   I had mentioned to a great friend from the meeting that I'd be available for a cup of coffee if he wanted to unburden himself a little about a life issue that was really sticking in his craw.  When I hung up the phone with my high school friend, verbally exhausted, I texted this A.A. friend  that I was headed his way and could meet but since his window of opportunity was pretty narrow that day I'd be fine postponing until he had more time.  My fervent wish that he would want to postpone.  Nothing but love to both of these guys but the post-meeting conversations and an hour phone call put me about an hour and a half over my Tolerate People time limit.  To my consternation he was worked up enough that he really wanted to meet that day.  I was simultaneously flattered to be of service as an A.A. long-timer and annoyed that I was going to be involved in another long conversation that wasn't primarily about me.

Hey, don't worry: I survived.