Meditation and Why I Suck at It

 "My friend, take my hand and walk with me until you can walk alone."  Native American Proverb

I've been working assiduously on my meditation practice for a good 30 years.  I've been sober for 36 so clearly I wasn't working on meditation early on and I wasn't in any rush to get started, either, since six or so years passed before I got going.  Not in a rush to begin the healing.  Eager to hang onto my aberrant behavior for as long as I could.  Everything I've ever released has claw marks on it.  Anyway, as I've mentioned repeatedly, I kind of still suck at it.  I've shown tremendous improvement but I have a long, long way to go.

Here's the yogi again: "Vipassana meditation is a development of awareness.  Properly done, meditation is a very gentle and gradual process.  Take it slow and easy, and the development of your practice will occured very naturally.  Nothing should be forced.  Work gently and everything will be fine.  If voices and visions pop up, just notice them and let them go.  Don't get involved."

Don't get involved?  Don't get involved!?  Goddamn right I'm going to get involved.  It's me against the voices and visions and I mean to come out on top.  I'm going to control those bitches.

I was meditating on the beach yesterday.  I find the sound of the waves to be soothing.  I find the technique of paying attention to ambient noises to be a good meditation technique, especially if I'm in a place where the sounds come from the natural world.  It was high tide yesterday so all of the benches along the beach were wet, courtesy of waves hitting the shore with some force.  The one that was reasonably dry was in a congested area so when I sat to meditate there were a lot of distracting noises: music from a nearby hotel patio, customers congregating around a coffee stand, a couple of guys chatting loudly to make themselves heard over the waves.  My initial response to distractions to my meditation is to get pissed off which is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish.  But what I've learned to do is to look and listen mindfully and without judgment.  Don't try to silence the voices or control them, just listen to them.  They're just noises, not bad or good, just noises.

I had an okay meditation.