It's Enough Already

Enough:  As much as is necessary.

I know I've looked this word up before.  The definition always seems kind of inadequate to me.  Maybe I don't understand what "necessary" means.  I do know that I'm a "it's never enough" kind of guy.  I don't know why I feel the need to graduate to "more" and to always be striving for "most."  I stick to my guns when I maintain that all of us "it's not enough" class of people make the world go around.  We get shit done.  We get shit done and feel terrible about our efforts because we could have done more.  Some of us seem to be wired that way.  It's wonderful and it's terrible.

An ongoing and eternal reflection, of course, is that the "enough" people have starved or frozen to death over the years or been eaten by my favorite human carnivore, the saber-toothed tiger.  "I have enough food here.  My cave is warm enough.  I'll wake up when I hear a tiger."

More:  A larger or extra number or amount.  (Ominously, there's this auxiliary interpretation: "When you want more of something you don't have enough."  There's that fucking word "enough" again.)

I have meditated for years.  I have done thousands and tens of thousands of hours worth of inventory and self-examination and reflection on my strengths and weaknesses, my sins and inadequacies.  I believe that a benefit of this is that I can often enjoy the state of "being."  My impulse is to "do," of course.  Do, do, do.  Get more done.  It's not enough.

I didn't go to a meeting this morning even though I often attend on Monday, a Big Book study meeting where I'm assured of a good topic that even the more irritating members can't screw up.  I don't know what I did in lieu of this time but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I just hung out with my own mind and didn't do much of anything.  It was great.  As a Doer I tend to fill the minutes with Doing so I'm uneasy when I take some time and let my mind idle.  I'd rather accelerate and then keep moving at a high rate of speed.  I get places but it's hard to enjoy and there's the possibility of hitting something or running off the road.