Different: Not the same; exhibiting a difference.
When I find something unacceptable in my life I do everything in my power to change it into something that I find acceptable - I mean every, last, little fucking thing that I can do - before I consider maybe asking my higher power for help and direction. I very rarely start with the premise that my higher power has a better plan. I start with the premise that my higher power is going to fuck things up. Consequently, I need to take charge. I need to BE IN CONTROL. If not me, who? I'm serious here - who better than me to control the world?
I believe that this string of incidences with my sister and my father has been the catalyst to push me through and into a different mind set. Other old people are likely familiar with the Charlie Brown, Lucy, and The Football story. Lucy holds the football so that C. Brown can kick a field goal. He makes a big run at the ball, winds up for a mighty kick, and ends up flat on his back because Lucy jerks the ball away at the last second. But she always convinces C. that this time it will be different. It's never different.
Why in the world did I think that this time it was going to be different?
I don't want to be mad at these people who I love but I don't want to be on my back, on the hard ground, looking up at the twinkling stars, either. I hope I can push through to a new sense of acceptance, to a more realistic reality. I'm doubtful here but this time it feels different.
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