Imaginary Reality

Imaginary: Existing only in the imagination; fanciful; unreal.

Sometimes I find myself under assault by fears, anxieties, worries, angst, foreboding, uneasiness, agitation, concern, or the cankerworms of care. They say that Eskimos have many ways to say snow and that Bedouins can explain the differences between all kinds of sandstorms that just seem like the wind blowing to someone like me. Alcoholics can do that with fear.

Sponsor: "Are you afraid?"
The B-Man: "No, it's more of a suspenseful apprehension leading to vexatious misgivings. I'm not quite on pins and needles. It's more like I'm on the hot seat. Could be that I'm just in a pucker."
Sponsor: "Buh-Bye."

Fair disclosure: I'm giving my thesaurus quite the workout this morning.

It's been an interesting exercise for me in my recovery to try to discern what is real and what is not. It's not as easy as it sounds for someone who lives in his own head so much of the time. A lot of drugs, a lot of alcohol, and many years of turning one's mind inward can result in a tenuous grasp of reality.

Fear is with all of us for very good reasons. It prevents us from doing stupid things. When I got sober I thought about some of my escapades and broke out in a cold sweat -- and I'm not sure that an Eskimo or a Bedouin could understand that reference. That's because I did stupid, dangerous things. I was supposed to be afraid. I managed my fear with drugs and alcohol. It made it go away. Buh-Bye, fear, I'm going to get into this two tons of glass and metal and propel it down one of the two roads that I am currently perceiving at 75 miles an hour.

Just say no to dark alleys.