Everything Is A Tragedy

One of the things I do in A.A. is to make an effort at looking at my part in things. I wasn't born with the ability, I can tell you that much. It's something that I've learned how to do over the years. It's not pleasant but it yields results.


It frees me from all of the pressure of finding fault with other people, places, and things. It's very frustrating to give someone or something else control of my feelings. I have a big part in most things, and it's the only part that I have any power over.

So I lose most of my territory which is going to cost me most of my income. My gut reaction is to hate the people who did this to me. And at the risk of moralizing I see a lot of big companies chasing short term profits at the expense of people and customers, which means I'm not the only person that something like this has happened to. It's just that when it happens to someone else I'm not quite as interested as when it happens to me. Business is all faster, faster, faster. It's a race to the bottom and then on to something else that is going to be more profitable in the short run.

The result is that a lot of employees start to lose interest in anyone but themselves. I think that is a natural thing to do when you're afraid. There's no sense of camaraderie or group purpose. Everyone circles their own little wagon train and fends off attackers. It becomes "how does this affect me?" personified.

When I don't like something that is happening to me I try to twist things around to my liking. I try to show other people the error of their ways. Most people aren't grateful when I try to show them where they're wrong. Often, they don't' think they're wrong at all. Corporations and institutions seem particularly uninterested. I made my case and they were still unimpressed. They were not swayed. The only way that I even knew they were listening is that they seemed annoyed that I was mouthing off. Guys with MBAs in business running large corporations don't generally care to hear from hipster doofuses.

The truth of the matter is that things have changed over the last few years. My product is becoming less expensive and simpler to use, so the technical prowess that I provide isn't as highly valued as it once was. If there are a handful of opportunities for a very expensive product one guy can cover a large area. Otherwise a good case can be made for using a whole ton of people to cover smaller areas. If someone fucks up an opportunity, so be it. Losing a small sale doesn't sting like losing a large one.

What's my part in all of this? I wasn't working very hard and I wasn't enjoying it when I did. I wasn't traveling to the far reaches of my territory because an inexpensive product produces a small commission. I couldn't justify it. It has become unpleasant and tedious and not very profitable. So were the people who terminated most of my responsibilities being unreasonable? Doesn't seem like it to me, when I look at what I've written. Does it feel unreasonable? It feels very unreasonable.

Then I have to start looking at the flip side. All of us have things that we wish we had more time to do. Maybe god was answering my prayers. Maybe god just provided me with the free time I wanted.

See how he does things? He's an impish pixie, that god.