It Will Not Be So.

Pretend: To claim or profess falsely; feign; simulate: as, he pretended ignorance of the law.

My work life has been slowly unraveling over the last few years. It is moving inexorably in a direction that I don't like. As a general rule, I don't like change or I'm afraid of it, certain that it will bring pain and disaster into my life. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable. As a specific rule, I loathe change when I perceive that it's going to deprive me of more money, more sex, more power, which is, as I have made abundantly clear, the motto of my life.

So I hang on. I soldier forward as if everything will stay the same, forever and ever. I figure that if I pretend that things aren't changing I can will it to be fact. I'm like the person who spent a couple of weeks every summer at a small cottage on an undeveloped stretch of beach well off the beaten track. It was quiet and simple. Over the years, however, the area became popular. High rise hotels catering to drunken college students began to sprout like some bad fungus, the crushed shell access road was replaced by a four lane strip highway, lined with bars and fast food joints, where bikers and rap-rattling hot rods cruise 24 hours a day, and some reprobate surfer stuck in the 60s opens a jet ski shop.

Every morning I walk out to the beach in my floppy hat, carrying a book of poetry and a cup of organic herbal tea. The sun is usually blocked by the monolithic high-rises or filters through a haze of choking internal combustion engine exhaust. Sometimes the din of the jet skis drowns out the roar of the motorcycles. I pretend that nothing has changed. It starts to rain. I don't budge. It rains harder. It becomes a downpour. My floppy hat sags, my book falls apart, and the rain fills my tea cup.

SuperK leans out a window: "What are you doing?" It's one of the most common questions that she asks me. You would not believe how many times she has asked me this, which makes me question exactly what it is I'm doing most of the time.

I pretend that I don't hear her.