Instincts Gone Wild! . . . Wild! Wild! Wild!

I am pondering one of our most nettlesome of slogans: "This, too, shall pass." My question, or questions, actually, are: When? Why? Will it get better or will it get worse? What will happen to me when it does pass? What will it pass? Will it pass at a high rate of speed, which would be pretty cool. Why isn't it passing more quickly (if I'm in any pain at all) or why did it pass so quickly (if it's providing me with even the slightest amount of pleasure)?

I think that one of the main differences between new sobriety and the long term variety -- as long as both individuals are doing the work -- is that we start to generate an understanding of the inevitability of change. Life is not static. I liked alcohol so much because it helped me manage my interior environment and gave me the illusion that this was the same thing as controlling the outside world. It is another one of my many fantasies to think that I can prolong the fun forever and hold off the pain with a fearsome straight arm.

Today I don't get as upset with things that aren't to my liking and I don't get so enamored with things when they are. Mostly, I'm not captive to the fear that if it's presently bad that it's always going to be bad. I'm pretty robot-like in my recovery program. I change people, places, and things from time to time, being intolerant and easily bored, but I follow a basic framework. I don't often slack off.

I know that when I'm in pain that it will end eventually. I just have to do the things that I have always done. Usually the pain is short-lived. Sometimes it isn't but it does end eventually. At least it has up to this point and I'm going to go with that trend. I work my way through a bad day and assume that tomorrow it will be better. Like all of us I have been trapped in repeating loops of discomfort that have lasted a long time, but they have always, always ended. This knowledge helps keep me on an even-ish keel.


A few years ago my work circumstances changed and I was sure that I was done for. I almost quit because I was so convinced that everything was going to fall apart. I was going to show the bastards before they could show me. Not surprisingly, nothing fell apart. I have been fine. I knew nothing. I foresaw exactly squat. I would have made the worst possible decision had I followed my instincts, which are not to be trusted.


Normally I'm OK if I do the exact opposite of what I think I should do.


"I am the exact opposite of every person you have ever met." - George Costanza.