Faith

"Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark."  Sir Rabindranath Tagore 

"The more he looks, the more unconscious self-deception he finds.  And the more astonished he becomes at the elaborate and devious excuse-making machinery by which he had been justifying himself.  His prideful self-righteousness that he was one of the 'good people' can often be just as destructive as the glaring sins of those who are supposedly not so good.  So he daily looks inward upon himself and then upward toward Gpod, the better to discover just where he stands in this matter of honesty."

Talk Is Cheap

I have a dear friend here in SoCal that I have coffee with from time to time.  While we both do a good job of keeping the conversations positive and understanding we will occasionally use the opportunity to talk about this or that person who is irritating the shit out of one of us.  I have this rule about never saying anything about anybody that I wouldn't say with that person standing next to me but all of us need to clean out the pipes from time to time, and I use my sponsor and SuperK and a few trusted friends to air my self-justified grievances.  There really are some irritating people out there or at least a few people that irritate me and it helps a lot to listen to myself making a self-righteous, intolerant speech about some person who fits in fine in the grand scheme of things.

Tom mentioned a woman that we both know and how much he dislikes her.  She does have a grating personality which is exacerbated by a pretty obsessive-compulsive complex.  There is, after all, a lot of mental illness in Alcoholics Anonymous.  I commiserated and we moved on to other things.  Sometime later I found out that he was driving down to her neighborhood and walking with her once a week.  She is a particularly irritating walking partner because she stops every 50 yards to respond to each and every text and email and phone call she gets.  Reminds me of my buddy in Cincinnati who always sat right next to a man who drove him to distraction.  Me?  I prefer to hang out and judge people silently.

There's a lot of truth to the adage of "pay attention to what I do and not to what I say."  Talk is indeed cheap.  And I know too many people who don't live particularly admirable lives but talk a sweet game.

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.  Loving relationships are not made by taking prisoners.  Love is not hypnotism or possessiveness.  Love is simply a sharing between two people."  Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Seaweed: Self-Righteous and Vocal About It

 "Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen."

Restraint:  A measure or condition that keeps someone under control or within limits.

On our recent trip one of the perks was that the cruise line included a ride from the airport to the hotel where we would be staying the night before the start of the cruise.  As the airport was situated a long way from the city center this was a nice perk - cab fares were estimated at $150.  I called the office to schedule the transfer.   

"OK, what time does your flight get in?"

"We're going to be at the airport returning a car as we'll have been in Iceland for a couple of weeks already."

"I'm sorry but the transfers are only for people arriving that day."

This made no sense to me.  I was returning the car to the airport so I was going to be at the airport just as if I had flown in that day.  What difference did it make how I got to the airport?

"You understand I'm going to be at the airport?"

"Only for passengers flying in that day."

"OK, I'm flying in that day."  (Rigorous honesty, my ass.)

"What time does your flight arrive?"

"4:30."

"Great.  I need the airline and flight number to coordinate baggage pickup."

D'oh!  Goddammit.

I thanked her for her time - graciously, I might add, so graciously that it was fucking unreal - hung up, and called someone up the food chain who OK'd the transfer.  I was never unpleasant but I was persistent in my efforts to get around a stupid rule.  On the appointed day we dropped off the car and tried to find our transfer vehicle which was nowhere to be found.  I sent a few texts to the customer service department trying to sort things out, was ignored, and fired off this gem as we were getting into a cab: "This is great.  Just great.  A great way to start off our $&%!! vacation."  I did those symbols, too, instead of the graphic and offensive swear words that they were occluding.  Nothing.  Dead air.  Radio silence.

We took the $150 cab to the hotel and by the time we arrived I was reasonably calm.  I missed the $150 but I wasn't going to ruin a day over a mixup costing me an amount of money I could afford.  Plus the kid who drove us was an immigrant from Somali and we enjoyed talking to him.

Life moved on and we boarded the ship.  As we walked into our room a uniformed Brit followed us in, introduced himself as the hotel manager, and apologized for the mix-up.  Profusely.  And directed us to one of the attendants to coordinate putting a $150 credit onto our account.  Mostly, at this point, I was embarrased.  I made a fuss; I was right, which was the justification, poor as it was as a justification; and then I had to eat crow over making a fuss.  It's what I always say about a 9th Step amends - I don't behave well because I especially enjoy behaving well - I simply hate making amends.

Restraint in the Big Book and 12 & 12:

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.

Considering this explosive factor, we knew we had to practice self-restraint.

For we can never think or act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

In all these situations we need self-restraint etc etc etc.

The way this self-restraint paid off was startling.

So you can see restraint is a recommended practice.  Highly recommended.

Step Four, I Say, Step Four!

Instinct:  A natural or inherent impulse or behavior; an intuitive reaction not based on rational or conscious thought.

From the first few pages of Step Four, our searching and thorough inventory, and I'm going to skip around a little here: "Creation gave us instincts for a purpose.  Yet these instincts often far exceed their proper functions.  Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives.  When thus out of joint man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is.  

(Next paragraph.)  "Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct.  When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities."

(Moving on to paragraph three.)  "Danger occurs every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably on others and unhappiness follows.  This collision of instincts sets us in conflict not only with ourselves, but with other people who have instincts, too."

(And wrapping things up today.)  "Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking.  This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon.  Instincts on rampage balk at investigation."

First of all, Instincts on Rampage would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

I do love how Bill W used forceful words to batter the drunk about the head and shoulders.  Destruction, perversion, soul-sickness, rampaging, colliding, imposing, man, he lets us have it, realizing that we don't want to look at ourselves.  He's making a clear, strong case that we are out of control.  Later in the Step he talks about the alcoholic insisting that his drinking isn't that bad and if it is that bad then he's not hurting anyone else but himself and if he is hurting someone else then it's only reasonable given how fucked up the other person is.  Can you see why new people are such a pain in the ass to deal with?

So . . . it's you, it's not them, and you lost it a long time ago.

I remember a story a guy in Indianapolis shared a long time ago.  He was a confident salesman type and he said when he was drinking he went through a phase where he read a lot of books on taking charge.  Then he got on a binge where he read books about being positive, the result being, he said, that he was battering people with happy, assertive behavior.  He was golfing with some friends one day, droning on in this vein, when one of the guys pulled him aside and said: "What are you talking about?  You've been in the rough all day.  You're terrible."  This is your average alcoholic: oblivious and resistant to any attempts to uncover the reasons why.

Jung V Freud V Seaweed

 "Any person who has reached forty years of age and who still has no means of comprehending who he is, where he is, or where he is next going, cannot avoid becoming a neurotic - to some degree or other.  This is true whether his youthful drives for sex, material security, and a place in society have been satisfied or not satisfied."  Carl Jung

I think the idea here is that Jung believes that some kind of faith in something bigger than oneself is important to anyone who is trying to achieve some peace of mind.  Or trying to avoid clinical paranoia and depression.  Pretty weighty recommendation from one of the founding father's of modern psychiatry.  To be fair we also hear from Freud who thought God was an infantile desire for a dominant father figure and was really only necessary to curb violent urges in early civilization which can now be abandoned for science and reason.  Ima gonna go with Jung on this one . . . 

SuperK and I are both quite proficient in the passive-aggressive interpersonal technique.  I like being passive-aggressive.  It allows me to act like a dick while maintaining that I'm not a dick at all.  It's a win-win.  When one of us gets irritated at the other and makes a passive-aggressive stand, it's uncomfortable enough that this question comes up: "Are you mad at me?"  Half the time I don't know what I did that was so offensive.  The other half of the time I allow her to explain why she's upset and apologize while hopefully  altering my behavior so that I don't do the irritating thing again.  

I told a friend in A.A. about this, a guy with 40 years of sobriety, a good, decent guy.  He said: "Huh.  I don't think I've ever said that."  He was married once, briefly, a long time ago.  He was wise enough to never marry again and I don't say that as a criticism.  I believe some of us aren't cut out to be married or to have children.  It's ok.  He's a very happy man.

Stand and Deliver

 "Rest is not a matter of doing absolutely nothing.  Rest is repair."  Daniel Josselyn

Because those of us who show up get answers I'm amused to report that this was my daily reflection for today which I read while hobbled by a spasm in my hip.  I tend toward doing something as a solution for everything and sometimes I have to remember that doing nothing is doing something.  This is rarely clear to me.  I want to fix something.  It's not intuitive that sometimes not doing anything is the best solution.

Bill W on fear: "Therefore the problem of resolving fear has two aspects.  We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain.  Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.  (And he segues into one of his biggest sources of fear - failing at life.)  I'd never settle for any second-rate staus.  I felt I simply had to dominate in everything I chose to do: work or play.  I came to value everything in terms of victory or defeat - all or nothing.  The only satisfaction I knew was to win."  And the implication as I understand this is that whenever he didn't win he felt less than and fear crept into the picture.  My takeaway from these comments is that through constructive actions and spiritual growth we'll be able to vanquish many of our fears and those that are intractable will be our teachers.  Who grows when they're getting their own way?  One of my personal and oft repeated touchstones it that there aren't good things or bad things but rather pleasant things and painful things.  I can't see into the future to figure out which is which.

The man who wept in front of me at the meeting this week has really stayed in my heart.  That scene, that episode, that incident will remain with me always.

Where Is My Attention?

 "Avoid friends and follower who are detrimental to thy peace of mind and spiritual growth."  Tibetan Rosary of Precious Gems

We may look at our friends of the past and recognize now they were not the best influences for us.  Perhaps that's why they were our friends: they were just like us.  The people we choose as our friends validate us and our growth.  If we choose to be around unhealthy people then we, too, are unhealthy.  Yet if we choose to be around people concerned about their growth, who ask for help when necessary, who can receive yet also give, then we are like those people.

SuperK still has trouble with her family.  I still feel some irritation with the apostates who broke away from my morning meeting.  Yet when we take a deeper look at the individuals who are giving us the most trouble we find people who in large measure, we don't respect or like or, at least, hold in some higher regard.  I turn again and again to the wisdom of George Costanza who - responding to Jerry's confusion on why he was so obsessed with a girlfriend of Jerry's that really disliked him - said: "She just hates me so much that I'm finding her irresistible."  Yeah, I get that.  How much of my time I spend contemplating my contempt for people that I don't care for as opposed to thinking about the people that I cherish.

From Bill W who misguidedly tried to "convert" an agnostic friend who turned out to be a great humanitarian: "This was the story of a man of great spiritual worth.  The hallmarks were plain to be seen: humor and patience, gentleness and courage, humility and dedication, unselfishness and love - a demonstration I might never come near to making myself.  This was the man I had chided and patronized.  This was the unbeliever I had presumed to instruct!  It then, for the very first time, it burst in upon me how very dead faith can be - when minus responsibility."

Don't be an asshole today.