Martyr Seaweed

Here are a few nuggets from the story "Physician, Heal Thyself! in The Big Book . . . 

"And then one ill-defined day, one day that I can't recall, I stepped across the line that alcoholics know so well, and from that day on drinking was miserable."  Some term this the jumping-off point.  There's a phrase that mentions that we know we can't live with alcohol and we can't live without it.  My memories of the time - I also cannot remember the specific day - were centered around total hopelessness.  Alcohol was no longer providing the relief I needed to get away from me, my own self, but stone, cold sober was intolerable.  This is a horrifying memory.  This is horrifying.  

"Don't feel you are a martyr because you stopped drinking."  Yeah, well, what we do is what 95% of the world does everyday and we think we deserve special recognition.  Hey, I'm on time this morning and I'm not hungover . . . Give me something!   Praise me!  Reward me!  I'm amazing!"

"I got all sorts of books on Higher Powers . . . "  And counselors and ministers and psychologists and on and on we try to understand why we are doing what we are doing and what the solution might be.  I did the book thing and basically what I found out is that most religions and philosophies and spiritual movements revolve around a few simple rules.  This study helped me grow as a person but it didn't stop my drinking.  Maybe it'll work for you but I found my answer in A.A.  Not everybody does and that's fine, we've got no truck with sobering up using whatever method works for you.

Complete abandon.  Half measures availed us nothing.  Thoroughly followed our path.  Completely give oneself to this simple program.  Complete - To make something whole or perfect; total; thorough; absolute.  Most of us stick our toe in, drink again, stick our foot in, drink again, stick our leg in etc etc etc.  Most of us try to find that easier, softer way.

"Here he is powerless, unmanageable, in the grip of something bigger than he is, and he's got to turn the whole business over to someone else!  It fills the alcoholic with rage.  We are great people.  We can handle anything."