An unfortunate fact of recovery is that we have to talk about our problems and failures and that overcoming them is a painfully slow process. It's a slog. We've spent so much time bullshitting everyone in our lives (to less effect than we imagine) and ourselves (to a much more damaging degree than we care to admit) that we can often no longer tell the difference between the facts and the . . . well . . . the bullshit. I used to tell stories in sobriety that I'm not sure were even true - I had spread these fabrications for so long that I believed them. "Hmmm," I thought, after one particularly implausible anecdote. "I don't think I ever did that." The only wise move on my part was to restrict these lies, for the most part, to stuff that couldn't easily be checked up on. I would not, for instance, tout my field goal percentage over a long NFL career.
My buddy LSD Jack has been feeling uncomfortable lately. Disconnected, but not disconnected to mention often how long he's been sober using a definition of "sober" that most of us would shake our heads at. I have stopped trying to explain that using a little cocaine now and again - little "bump" before he calls it - isn't a true definition of sobriety. Today I just remind him that when I'm feeling off I usually find that I'm behaving in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I have another friend who recently admitted that he had been using a CBD oil and that this had led him to some kind of THC product. "I'm not sure I'm really sober," he said in a meeting.
I am responsible for most of what happens to me. Not very much happens to me that I didn't cause and most of my motivations and habits patterns are obscured from my conscious self - I'm usually operating on autopilot. Past behavior is the most reliable predictor of future behavior. We keep doing what we've been doing and why is this? Autopilot.
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