Humble-Brag

Humblebrag: Subtly letting others know about how fantastic your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humor.  E.g., "Just ate about fifteen pieces of chocolate - gotta learn to control myself when flying first class or they'll cancel my modelling contract."

I don't mention the length of my sobriety very often in meetings.  I don't want to be part of that group of people who manage to work in what they see as impressive parts of their personal story every time they talk: how long they've been sober or how many people they supervise or how much money they made in their heyday.  Sometimes I think it serves a point because it can be an example of how our struggle to grow is never-ending.  We get better at things - we don't often get done with things.

I share this dentist-related update.

After the whole shitload of bad news I got during my first visit to my new dentist I immediately took the stance that this guy is a lying, thieving, conniving, money-grubbing piece of shit who is trying to screw me out of every dime that I have.  There is, of course, no factual evidence to support this.  It is, you see, a perfect example of blaming someone else for problems that are usually of my own making.  It's like complaining about the cop who gives you the speeding ticket. The problem is the speeding but it's a lot easier to bitch about the cop because it transfers the result of my lousy behavior onto someone else.  Very popular with alcoholics.

Because I believe I'm in a Solution-based Program - not a Problem-based Program - I go into my solution stance.  In this case I recite drone-like that I have a good dentist and that I have the money to do the work.  After about a day I no longer hate the dentist although I suspect his motives still.  And I'm upset, which seems fair as the work is going to involve a lot of needles being stuck into my gums, and not for free, let me tell you what.

I continue my mantra and after a few more days I'm at peace with the situation.  Still nervous but not on the offensive.  I'm encouraged that the first appointment doesn't lead to the worst-case scenario, and this helps calm my mind about future possibilities.  So I'm not as upset when the second appointment does show more extensive damage.  I was all worked up for appointment one, and for no good reason, and not at all worked up for appointment two, and bad shit happened, and I don't really care.

My opening gambit was not to do any of the work and to get a second opinion to booth just so I could show this guy how little trust I had in him.  Slowly I decided to fix the most egregious damage but not address a tooth more.  Then I'm going to do some more of the work, then I'm going to fix every fucking tooth that shows the slightest hint of decay.

It's why we go to the dentist, right?  To have damaged teeth repaired.  Why go if I'm going to refuse to do anything the dentist says to do?  It just makes no sense.

So the point is this: almost 30 years of sobriety and I still suffer unnecessarily.  I know intellectually what is what but the emotional reaction can still be guttural, forceful, unmoored to reality.  I still have to step through.