Bye, Rob

LMFAO number two was another bank, a really big one, without the capacity to draw on the quaint, local ineptitude of the smaller bank, lacking the natural piteous understanding that smallness can foster.  It's easier to ascribe bad motives to size.  I called the number on the statement. I spoke to Casey - who was mighty and was not going to strike out - and provided her with account numbers and addresses and stuff.  I tried to waylay her preliminary pursuit of information that I wasn't going to be able to provide by repeatedly stating that I just wanted to know what kinds of documentation they were going to require so that I could close the account. I was wise to the process at this point - these people weren't going to let me do anything until I sent in a lot more stuff.  I didn't actually want them to do anything but tell me what else I needed to do.

"Casey," I said.  "I don't want to close the account - I just want to send in the supporting documentation that your bank undoubtedly requires."

She dithered about, at one point asking me for my social security number "to see if they had that on record" before deciding that she wasn't the right person to handle this matter.  She transferred me to Dan.  Dan was pretty nice, too - I didn't catch what department he worked for - but he decided he wasn't the right person, either, and right quick.  He told me that I would have to contact the branch where my parents originally opened the account and that they would be able to help close the account up.  He gave me the name of the manager and told me all I'd have to do would be to stop in at the bank and they'd be able to help me out.

"Dan," I said.  "I'm calling from Vacation City." 

"Oh," Dan said.  He paused.  "So you aren't coming into town anytime soon?"

This would have been funny if this would have been the first LMFAO that I had dealt with that day.  It was still pretty funny.

"No, Dan," I said kindly.  "I'm not going to fly into town to close this fucking bank account."  I know he could tell I was smiling when I said it.  He was so pleased by my tone that he offered to transfer my call to the local branch so that I wouldn't have to do anything.

"Bye, Dan," I said.

Rob Killinger was next on the hit parade.

"Hi, Rob," I said brightly.  "Could I speak to Stephanie Crawford, please?"

Rob wanted to know why I wanted to speak with her?  Had I been working with her previously?

"Dan suggested I call her," I said vaguely.

Well, Rob told me that he could help me do everything that I wanted to do.  All I had to do to get the process started was send him something called an "Entry Appointing Fiduciary - Letter of Authority."

"Bye, Rob," I said.