It Is What It Is

I wanted to post a comment that my friend David W left on my blog commenting on the post: "That Jeebus was a Doodle." 

AA literature baffled me before I got into recovery.  I took things out of context and truly just didn't get the concepts. It took me years to actually interpret the lessons to be learned from AA literature. 

Good stuff.  Makes me see that I'm not alone in my ability to misinterpret basic truths.

Now back to me . . . 

Control: To exercise influence over; to suggest or dictate the behavior of.  

I'm feeling a little out of control right now.  This statement - implying that I'm in control at any point, ever, shows the depth of my general cluelessness  about the general principles of life.  Clearly, I have no clear idea what's going on.

I was aware that my father's death was likely to sneak up on me at some point and that it might sneak up on me stealthily or assuming a shape-shifting form that would take me by surprise.  The void of his absence is part of the equation - the trauma of being there for his last hours is part of it, too.  There's kind of an emotional PTSD going on, traumatic brain injury of the frontal lobe, home to our emotional reaction to stuff.

I know I'm feeling out of control when I start to get antsy about odd, unimportant things or worse yet, about odd, free-floating generalized anxiety things.  You know how sometimes we all blow up or burst into tears about something and only later think: "What was that all about.  The self-knowledge of this weirdness is scant relief.

Time takes time.

It is what it is.