Radical Asymmetrical Amputation

A few weeks ago SuperK got out of bed and felt something pop in her ankle. It's not that she's old but . . . well, you know. I'm just sayin'.

"My ankle hurts and my heel is sore," she said.

We decided that the best course of action would be to research the problem on the internet. It's my understanding that there's no misleading information on the internet; it's all vetted somehow. We mixed in some discussions with friends who have no medical training whatsoever; people who may have heard something about this condition on The TV. If it's on The TV, it's definitely true. That is without a doubt a highly regulated medium, and thus to be trusted without question. We topped this dysfunctional sundae with an EM suggestion or two provided by my best friend, the doctor, who gamely chimed in to the best of his ability despite the sketchy, incomplete information we provided. He was further hamstrung by the fact that he hadn't actually seen SuperK. God forbid we make an appointment and pay for his services.

"Now there's a tingling, pins and needles feeling running up my calf," she said. "My ankle feels OK but my heel is killing me."

Being good alcoholics we start the diagnosis at radical amputation just below the hip -- if they're going to take some leg off we might as well get our money's worth. The cost of the whole leg is actually a little less than just above the ankle. It's like if you buy a big bottle of detergent the cost per ounce is less than the smaller sized bottle. We assume that they'll want to cut off the other leg for symmetry sake, taking advantage of this month's Two for One sale, but Act Quickly! it's only good in January. Insurance will reject everything. "We're sorry," the letter will say, " but here at Big Insurance we don't pay for procedures of a purely cosmetic nature."


"My other heel hurts today, she said. "My whole leg is numb and my ankle is swollen."

"Wasn't the problem with your left leg yesterday?" I asked.

"I don't think so," she replied.

"Are you going swimming today?" I asked.

"I'm thinking about it," she said. "But now I'm short of breath and there's a sharp, radiating pain moving up my arm. I think I'm losing my peripheral vision, too."

"That doesn't sound good," I said.

"Didn't you have the exact same thing last year?" she asked.

I think I did.