Talking About Drinking

 I have a friend here who's been sober for over 40 years and I sometimes wonder how he's accomplished this.  He's a bit of an iconoclast.  He's mostly in the mainstream of standard A.A. thinking until he's not and this I'm fine with.  We're not in the business of telling people what to do and how to do it.  I always say if you're staying sober (and drug free, in my case) and are relatively happy then you should keep doing what you're doing because we can't really improve on that.  Shit, my buddy LSD Tom thinks it's OK to use hallucinogens occasionally and remain sober.  I believe this is nuts but after I did a little research on it I see he's got a point, technically.  He's a good dude and his life is pretty calm and successful so he should keep doing what he's doing.  BTW, his nickname has remained a closely guarded personal secret.

Anyway, my iconoclastic friend says that he's a "recovered" alcoholic.  He thinks we talk about drinking too much and about recovery too little.  "Alcohol is but a symptom" after all.  I get his point - nobody wants to listen to a long drunk-alog where most of the share is about all the excitement and fun that alcohol can provide, especially in the early days of our drinking.  A few times I've left a speaker meeting thinking: "Whew, that sounded pretty good - why did I quit drinking again?"  But new people need to get some of the tragedy that alcoholic drinking causes off their chest.  The important thing is for those of us with some time to bring the sharing back around to the solution.

I think of my time in Chicago early on where virtually every meeting started with the leader giving a short talk on that evening's Step.  A commitment lasted 12 weeks so that the group methodically went through The Steps, one by one, in order, not jumping ahead or skipping over anything distasteful, only moving forward when the Step was thoroughly done.  It was very frustrating for a new guy who wanted to talk about his PROBLEMS!  I had to pay attention to the discussion so that I could find a way to work my problem into the mix.

Solution, my ass.

Honest Abe

 "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! "And this, too shall pass."         Abraham Lincoln

Sorry, guys, but we didn't come up with this.

When I was at the end of my drinking I had a 1966 Plymouth Belvedere station wagon that my grandpa gave me.  It ran great unless it was cold or hot or you hadn't driven it in the last six or seven hours and you could forget about it if was raining or damp in any way, shape, or form, because the engine would die if it wasn't getting any gas so whenever I came up to a stop light I'd have to do this tricky thing where I'd shift the car into neutral and rev the accelerator with my right foot while putting on the brake with my left foot.  It didn't have a radio and there were no dashboard vents so heat would only come out around your feet.  Air conditioning?  Yes, the switch was right next to the controls that made the car fly.  

I'm grateful every morning when I get into my car.

In the meeting yesterday we talked about feeling good in the morning.  When I was drinking the concept of "feeling good" and "morning" was what is called an oxymoron.  Examples of this disconnect are a "smart idiot" or a "tiny giant."  They are mutually exclusive.

If you had asked me right before I got sober why I wanted to quit drinking and to keep the reason to one sentence I would have said: "I want my mind to stop for a couple of minutes."  I'm always so amazed when my mind is quiet.  This happens often today as opposed to never when I was running and gunning.  Our minds are made to think and that's what they're going to do so I'm not overly surprised when the thing takes off on its own but it is so pleasant to not be held captive by a racing, catastrophizing head.

One Day At A Time

 "I believe that fundamentally all is well. I will not try to plan too far ahead. I know that the way will unfold, step by step. I will leave tomorrow's burden to tomorrow. You are so made that you can only carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. If you weigh yourself down with the years behind and the days ahead, your back breaks. God has promised to help you with the burdens of the day only. If you are foolish enough to gather again that burden of the past and carry it, then indeed you cannot expect God to help."

If there is a more fundamental premise in Alcoholics Anonymous than One Day At A Time I don't know what it is. The idea of being In The Moment can be found in every spiritual practice that I've ever run into. It's the reason Buddhist's concentrate on the breath when they meditate - the breath is right there, right there, and because everyone has to do it to live it's a connection you share with every living animal.

We're so hard on ourselves that I've never been able to holler at anyone in AA, no matter how ridiculous and self-destructive their behavior is. I figure the person I'm interacting with has been beating the shit out of him/herself for so long and with such intensity that my piling on won't be helpful. I'm not saying we all don't need to be contradicted from time to time but I sure try to do it with compassion and understanding.

Normal

 Letting go doesn't mean releasing our grip on life and falling into the abyss below.  Letting go is a slow process of easing the grip on some facet of our lives: alcohol, drugs, an obsession, a character defect, or negative feelings toward some asshole who bugs the shit out of us.

I try to follow my conscience slowly, carefully.  I can't resolve that today I'm just going to simply eliminate a character defect or an obsession or a resentment.  I can prepare to let go.  Just slowly let go.  Prepare myself to gently let go.

"We're living through a discontinuity which is a moment where the experience and expertise you've built up over time cease to work.  It is extremely stressful, emotionally, to go through a process of understanding the world as we thought it was, is no longer there.  (No kidding.)  There's real grief and loss.  There's the shock that comes with recognizing that you are unprepared for what has already happened."

The whole premise of trying to make my life "normal" again is a broken premise.  It's a mistake.  It leaves me trapped inhabitants of someone else's broken world.

Givers and Takers

 "The world is composed of givers and takers.  The takers eat better but the givers sleep better."

There's a homeless situation in my town - the weather is nice which attracts people, I believe, and housing is really expensive which often tosses even people who are working outside.  I'm often approached and asked for pocket change.  Sometimes I give money but sometimes I don't.  A 40ish dude with a backpack and a guitar approached me as I was filling my car with gas yesterday.  I opened my wallet but only had twenties.  "Man, I could sure use a twenty," he said.  I shrugged my shoulders -whadda ya gonna do? -  reflected, motioned the guy over, told him I'd buy a Pepsi to get some change.  I asked him what his deal was as we walked over to the shop: got a dui which cost him his job, got behind on rent and utilities and alimony, outside he went.  He wasn't bullshitting me. I have an acute bullshit radar.  There's a really nice guy who has been coming to our morning AA meeting for a couple of months who - while waiting for subsidized senior housing - is sleeping outside.  Refuses to go to a homeless shelter, adamant that it's safer to sleep on concrete.  I gave him $20 one day, unbidden.  I saw him the next day  . . . . with a cup of Starbucks.  Haven't seen him since.  He wasn't bullshitting me, either - his odor told me that.  When I walk on the beach I'm frequently hustled on the way down by a guy who's standing outside a liquor store.  "Dude," I said one morning.  "Don't stand right here.  Jesus.  At lease pretend you aren't going to go right in and buy beer."

There are signs in our downtown area telling people to give money to local social services and not to panhandlers.  If everyone passes out money then the homeless will be attracted.  But there are some people who simply will not avail themselves of temporary housing.  Some are obstinate, like my AA friend, and some are too mentally ill or addicted or damaged to take that step.  I often give money.  I often give the occasional outrageous tips to the kids who staff the shops I frequent, and these are outrageous for these kids and not for me.  I feel better, somehow relieved when I do this.  

Willie and I were talking about an oldtimer at his meeting who approached him in the parking lot afterwards and asked for money.  Willie offered to follow him to the local Wal-Mart to just buy the burner phone he needed.  "Bill, I don't have a car," the guy said.  Willie gave him the money.  Willie has no expectations of getting the money back.  We agree that the rule of thumb is that money dispensed is a gift and not a loan.  We often talk about the spiritual principle that the more you hold onto some physical "thing" the more power it has over you, aware that it's easier to give a thing up if you're living in abundance, like we are.

Giver.  At times.  And happier for it.

Expression of Love

Express: To show, manifest, or reveal. 

The topic this morning turned and twisted, dove deep and came up for air, floated way up high in the sky before settling on the idea of God and the meaning of love.  This sounds way more complicated than it ended up being.  It was great hearing people opine and drift on the nature of love and how it relates to a relationship with a Higher Power.

There's a famous scripture which states that God is love: "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them: "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."  I talked to my longtime sponsor every day when he was bedridden, dying of cancer.  I swear that dude had one foot in this world and one foot in the next because he was coming up with some heavy stuff, otherworldly, ineffable stuff.  He really got focused on the idea that God was simply an expression of pure love.  I liked that he used the term "expression."  That made sense to me.  God manifesting God's essence through something in reach of all of us.

I often think of my tight-assed, religious, conservative, anal-retentive German family, deeply religious but one that considered love as a very official, prescribed thing - you loved your family, God, a significant other, and maybe a football team or two, but that was it.  In Alcoholics Anonymous I've come to embrace love as a living entity with all kinds of nuance and depth and intensity.  Some people I've loved for a long time and some not so long; I'm sure of my love quickly with some and after a lengthy marination with others; and some people have been steadfast in my mind while others come and go.  I don't think I ever stop loving someone I love but I can drift back a bit, be more detached, when people change or disappoint me or disappoint me after changing, which everyone will do, from time to time.  We are, of course, all flawed human beings.

The funny thing, of course, is that I don't really like anyone.

The woman next door got a rescue dog a few weeks ago, a street dog from Mexico.  I've long believed that if you want to see love in action hang around with some animals.  I form strong connections with animals pretty quickly and this dog is totally devoted to me.  If our neighbor lets the dog out on the porch it sits there and looks at our door until I come over.  You can see the love expressed when she sees me coming over.

I'm loved!  I get to love!

Free Coffee for Everyone! And Water for Their Horses!

 "We live and interact with a variety of situations that can range from slightly stressful to very stressful.  We can be like an amoeba and suck up the surrounding mood and conform to it, or we can remain detached from the situation and be in touch with ourselves.  Whatever is happening outside of us is somebody else's issue."

I used to be in charge of running the whole world.  Now I'm in charge of exactly jack-shit.  I've always like the analogy of the hula hoop.  Step inside your hula hoop - that's what you're responsible for.  It's not much, is it?  Everything outside of that circle is none of your business.

I've probably written about the following before.  I just filled up a glass of water and set it down somewhere and I can't remember where so I just got another glass of water.  I don't even look any more.  It'll turn up eventually and I've got a ton of glasses.  So don't ask me what happened a couple of months ago.

I've gotten into the habit of occasionally buying a cup of coffee for the person in line behind me at my regular stops.  I always check first, mind you, because I don't want to get stuck buying 12 specialty coffee drinks for someone making a run for their office.  It is unbelievable what people pay for some of these supercharged drinks.  It's kind of hard to rescind an offer after it goes over a certain amount.  I'm trying to be generous but not that fucking generous.

I tend to pick on young people or older folks.  I assume that a few bucks here and there means something while I can easily afford this miniscule generosity.  People are surprised and grateful.  I often talk to them for a minute while we're waiting for whatever gymnastics the baristas have to do to make this stuff.  If your drink needs a blender, an espresso machine, a sweetner of some kind, milk (whole, 2%, skim) or soy milk or almond milk or transgender milk, and shit sprinkled on top it's going to take a while to make.

One dude with a veteran's cap on always gets two glasses of iced tea.  I was behind him this day and insisted on paying.  After an appropriate time trying to refuse my offer he stuck his hand out and said: "We're old school!"  I don't know what that means.  One foreign looking woman appeared shocked and appalled even though I see her there every day.  I actually had to tell her she didn't have to accept the drink if she didn't want to.  I've been mistaken for a creepy stalker on other occasions so this wasn't out of the ordinary.

This is money I can afford to give.  I'm not stressed out financially.  And I believe with all my heart that the tighter you hold onto something the more control it has over you.