Gladly Rendered

Prominent:  Widely and favorably known.


And then there's this: "Not many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be.  Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with god's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort . . . "


Boy, I'm not sure who Bill is talking about but it sure isn't me.  I DESIRE to be a leader of prominence.  I DESIRE to be on the top of the heap with the sharp, bright light of notoriety focused directly on me.  I want reporters and archivists taking note of everything I say and saving it for posterity.  I have no interest in rendering or squarely meeting anything and I have even less interest in doing it gladly or well-accepted-ly or being part of anything!  


Unless it directly benefits me, of course,  

Drive to the Hoop

Drive:  In psychology, any of the basic impulses and urges.

I read this recently, very recently: “But today in well-matured people these distorted drives have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction.  We no longer strive to dominate or rule those about us in order to gain self-importance.  We no longer seek fame and honor in order to be praised.”

The primary definition of instinct is concerned with behavior that is pre-programmed into the human form: for food, for security, to satisfy the sex drive, to be someone in the company of our fellows.  In short,  an inborn tendency to behave in a way characteristic of a species.   The secondary definition implies that we all possess tendencies or talents that are learned or acquired.  The first definition gives me some wiggle room to behave like an ass; the secondary implies that I need to take ownership of my behavior.

It seems to me that our literature is packed with instructions on how to minimize my ego.  My friend EdRom said to me today: "When my ego comes into play then I get in trouble."  Something about trying to get things that he wants or some such shit.  I personally don't see that I spend any significant time trying to get things that I want although I can also see - possibly, maybe, to a tiny extent - some similarities in our behaviors.

I am continuing a full frontal assault on my impulses and urges for more more more and different different different.  I'm here - I look over there.  I want this - I get this - I want something else.  I'm the four year old sitting in a huge pile of toys whining to mom: "I'm BORED."

I  see the ego part of the Big Esses -- Sex, Security, Society - as the most insidious.  Sex and money are right up in your face and difficult to misinterpret; a desire to be the most important thing in the world, pampered and amused, is more difficult for me to get my arms around.

Ego Destruction Continues . . . Sort Of

Spectacular:  Unusual to a striking degree; characterized by a great display, as of daring.


This I read recently : "We can be the ones who take on the unspectacular but important tasks that make good Twelfth Step work possible . . .  Whether our audience is one or many, it is still Twelfth Step work."


I read that.  I didn't say that I LIKED what I read.  I'm trying to pay attention to the reminders that I'm only one person in the great scheme of things, and not an especially important one at that.  I don't want to do unspectacular things.  I want to be noticed.  I want my nickname to be something like Spectacular Steve instead of the very popular Half-Measures Seaweed.


I don't want to share my story in front of a small group.  I want to give the keynote address at the next international convention.  I'd be the one knocking Bill W off the stage to get at that microphone.  Look at me, Look at me!


All of this stuff helps me to continue to break down my ego.  My ego is made of very, very hard rock.  It isn't possible to tap at it gently with a small ball-peen hammer.  It requires repeated blastings with dynamite and even then I'm lucky when a small piece is dislodged, and even luckier still when I don't make a mad rush through the lingering dynamite and hard rock smoke to try to superglue the small bit right the #$!! back on. 


Where's that tube of superglue?

Hypocrite in Action

Hypocrite:  A person who pretends to be what he is not; one who pretends to be better than he really is, or pious, virtuous, etc, without really being so.


The tighter I grip things the more control they have over me.  I have quite a grip.  In fact, I have a GI Joe Kung Fu grip.  I can crush rocks with my grip.  I can turn coal into diamonds.  I can . . . OK, you get the point.  And unfortunately, I'm only talking about a mental grip.  I can't even open a jar of garlic stuffed green olives without enlisting SuperK's help.


"Help!" I have to yell.


I gave a buck to a street guy this morning on my way to purchase a $3 cup of overpriced specialty coffee.  The same cup of coffee at home would have cost me approximately nothing.  I don't know why that simple act of generosity - so small that is almost doesn't even qualify as generosity - is so difficult for me to make.  And coming on the heels of my harangue about people at my home group being a little careful with their money. 


There is nothing like a hypocrite in action.

Restless Desires.

Discontent:  Lack of contentment (Ed. Note: Duh.); dissatisfaction; restless desire for something more or different.  (Ed. Note: "Restless Desires" would be a great name for a trash novel).


This from a Step meeting today: "Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us?"


Of course I was called on to share.  My first inclination was to say: "I don't understand the question."  What I actually said: "That's is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."  Normally I tell people not to say the first thing that comes out of their mouth because it usually isn't that good.  In my case you have to get to like the 13th thing out of my mouth for it to even begin to have a hint of being any good.


So many times in our literature I read suggestions on how I can right-size myself to the actual size of my life.  It's awfully tempting to look greedily at big things and big expressions and big accomplishments.  The literature is constantly reminding me to take joy out of the small satisfactions of living.  Quit asking life to provide more than it does.  You can always ask for more.  You can always be disappointed in your serving size.


I really like that the definition of discontented implies that I'm looking for something different.  It doesn't say "better."  It says I'm looking for something else.  People asked me at the end of my drinking: "Why do you keep doing it if it makes you so miserable?"  It was hard to convey to them that all I wanted to do was get away from myself.  It wasn't about feeling better - it was about feeling different.  It was about being somewhere else, out of my own skin.

I REALLY Like That Hat

Compliment:  A formal act or expression of courtesy or respect.


I have to watch myself where my opinion is involved.  Especially when I'm dealing with people who rub me the wrong way.  That used to be everyone but because I'm such a totally healthy and well-adjusted guy today the number does not go much over 10 billion different and distinct individuals.  You might notice that this number far exceeds the population of earth.  You might deduce that I'm being forced to include several billion extraterrestrial types.  You would be right.  Give yourself a pat on the back.  Wonder why you believe in extraterrestrials.  Worry about the state of your mental health.


Anyway, you know you're dealing with a drunk when the guy has to go off-planet to find more people as targets for his self-righteous ire.


My best bet is to keep my mouth firmly shut when an urge to share my opinion arises.  This is also great advice when the urge to talk arises, unless I want to pay someone a compliment or maybe give sketchy directions to someone from out of town.  If I must speak I need to really pay attention to what I'm saying, how I say it, the tone and tenor and timbre of what comes out of my mouth.


To wit: If I don't particularly care for some dude I used to make subtle comments, always behind his back, like: "That guy is a real asshole."  After a few bloody noses administered by hoary heads in recovery I quit doing that.  Instead of stopping the behavior totally, the right thing to do, I opted to make some slight improvement, as you might expect from someone who's nickname used to be "Half-Measures Seaweed."  Maybe it still is.  What do I know?  The action that I decided to take was to hone my passive-aggressive tendencies.  I shifted to comments like this: "My opinion of this guy -- and I want to stress that this is only my opinion, it may or may not be a fact, and you're free to think or act any way that you wish -- is that he's a real asshole."


I convinced myself that I was really making some progress when I did this.  I have trouble being nice to people I don't particularly care for -- again, a large number -- so I mask my disdain with a "compliment."  You know the type: "Wow, have you lost a ton of weight!" or "I really admire the courage you're showing wearing that hat out in public."


As you can clearly see, I have a long way to go.

AM Chippy

Opinion:  Applies to a conclusion or judgment which, while it remains open to dispute, seems true or probable to one's own mind.


I was at a meeting this morning that I thought got a little chippy.  This is as it should be from time to time.  We're difficult people, passionate and opinionated, and we're working a Program that is very suggestive in nature.  We're not using a prepared script led by seasoned professionals who have undergone years of education and training.  So sometimes when someone says: "I do it like this," what we hear is: "You should do it like this."  We let it get under our skin, especially if we've tried what is being suggested and found it lacking.  We think it's wrong and we can't suppress the urge to say so.


A little chaos first thing in the AM is to be expected.  The way I look at it is that I need all of you.  Each and every one.  I need to hear from people who make me swoon with admiration and with whom I closely identify.  That sense of belonging helped me feel like I was in the right place, after a lifetime of feeling that I didn't fit in anywhere.  It helped me stick.  But I also need the people who make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  If I'd rather hear fingernails being slowly dragged the length of a chalkboard than hear an individual share their experience, strength, and hope, then I need to pay close attention to what that person has to say.  This is often where I REALLY learn some good lessons.