Off to someplace warm for the holidays, my friends.
Be the ball.
Hello? Hello? Anyone out there?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Phun Pfacts
I'm going to start a little list of Horseface Steve's Fun Facts of Recovery.
Today's Fun Fact is that it's my responsibility to treat people well. This is actually more of a Fun Suggestion than a Fact. Maybe if I flog the idea around for a while I can come up with a fact that has something to do with trying to improve my personal relationships. Probably not. That goat with a ukulele will start playing "Three Blind Mice" and I'll be too distracted to continue. Anyway, the point is that if you treat people well -- with respect and honesty -- your relationships will improve dramatically. Things will work out in the long run.
I remember the first time I became aware of the concept of treating someone well without any guarantee that they weren't going to take advantage of me. The idea floored me. "What if I'm nice and everything and then someone screws me and I don't get to take my just revenge?" I asked. It was bad enough that I had to treat other people well -- I didn't see what was in it for me. It was an absolute nightmare scenario to think that I could behave properly and then get hosed by some other self-seeking individual, which wasn't unlikely as I tended to surround myself with people just like me.
Take my job, for instance. I sell things to industrial customers. I don't think I ever got up in the morning and decided to take advantage of someone. I tried not to lie or misrepresent myself or my product. But, really, all I did was pay lip service to honesty. I tried to get a prospect to buy as much stuff as possible. I didn't think things through from their point of view. I didn't care if they couldn't afford it or they didn't really need the more expensive thing or my competitor had a better solution. The more they bought, the more I got paid.
Today I'm brutally honest with people. I recommend the most appropriate solution even when that may put less money in my pocket. If someone asks, I tell them about the competition, trying to point out the differences in our products without badmouthing anyone. I think what happens is that a lot of customers are so taken aback by this honesty that they don't even look at the competition. This is the exact opposite of what I expected would happen.
The result, as you may expect, is that I sell three times as much stuff as I ever did in my best year when I was drinking. People know when you are trying to bullshit them. They can feel it when someone is trying to take advantage of them. Remember when you tried to spin your first sponsor and you thought you were fooling him? You were so magnificently transparent he could barely keep a straight face.
Today I'm going to at least try not to act like an ass.
Today's Fun Fact is that it's my responsibility to treat people well. This is actually more of a Fun Suggestion than a Fact. Maybe if I flog the idea around for a while I can come up with a fact that has something to do with trying to improve my personal relationships. Probably not. That goat with a ukulele will start playing "Three Blind Mice" and I'll be too distracted to continue. Anyway, the point is that if you treat people well -- with respect and honesty -- your relationships will improve dramatically. Things will work out in the long run.
I remember the first time I became aware of the concept of treating someone well without any guarantee that they weren't going to take advantage of me. The idea floored me. "What if I'm nice and everything and then someone screws me and I don't get to take my just revenge?" I asked. It was bad enough that I had to treat other people well -- I didn't see what was in it for me. It was an absolute nightmare scenario to think that I could behave properly and then get hosed by some other self-seeking individual, which wasn't unlikely as I tended to surround myself with people just like me.
Take my job, for instance. I sell things to industrial customers. I don't think I ever got up in the morning and decided to take advantage of someone. I tried not to lie or misrepresent myself or my product. But, really, all I did was pay lip service to honesty. I tried to get a prospect to buy as much stuff as possible. I didn't think things through from their point of view. I didn't care if they couldn't afford it or they didn't really need the more expensive thing or my competitor had a better solution. The more they bought, the more I got paid.
Today I'm brutally honest with people. I recommend the most appropriate solution even when that may put less money in my pocket. If someone asks, I tell them about the competition, trying to point out the differences in our products without badmouthing anyone. I think what happens is that a lot of customers are so taken aback by this honesty that they don't even look at the competition. This is the exact opposite of what I expected would happen.
The result, as you may expect, is that I sell three times as much stuff as I ever did in my best year when I was drinking. People know when you are trying to bullshit them. They can feel it when someone is trying to take advantage of them. Remember when you tried to spin your first sponsor and you thought you were fooling him? You were so magnificently transparent he could barely keep a straight face.
Today I'm going to at least try not to act like an ass.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Perception Regression
Perception: Consciousness; awareness; insight or intuition, as of an abstract quality.
I went to my club today and took a swim. And by "swim" I mean "swallowing pool water while trying not to sink." Swimming in a lap pool is a great place to see how you measure up against other people. Other people are your competition. You need to beat them. In the pool the lanes are right next to each other so you can easily see who you are beating. And by "beating" I mean "getting beat by someone twenty years older than me."
I have this need to be Number One, even when I don't have anything particularly important to gain by being the best at something. There I am, swimming away, pleased with the exercise I'm getting -- not so strenuous that I'm hurting myself but strenuous enough that I'm not sinking to the bottom -- and some one starts to swim in the next lane. Today it was a kid twenty years younger than me. I'm a 98 lb. weakling who can't swim faster than a five year old in Bozo The Clown water wings, but that didn't stop me from picking up the pace, until I was gasping for air and totally miserable. Now something in my rotator cuff feels a little twingey, and I don't even know what a rotator cuff is. And he still beat the shit out of me.
It's that way in my work life, too. I've had jobs before where I have been totally happy with the amount of money I'm making and pleased with my supervisor. (Fair disclosure: I'm lying -- I've never been totally happy with anything.) Then I find that the guy next to me has a higher salary. Just like that I'm pissed. I go to my supervisor -- the one I like -- and complain about this injustice. When he doesn't do anything to help me out I develop a resentment at this bastard who doesn't know how valuable I am. In two minutes I have gone from being happy and content to being angry and resentful. What changed? Absolutely nothing but my perception of the world.
Perception is reality
I went to my club today and took a swim. And by "swim" I mean "swallowing pool water while trying not to sink." Swimming in a lap pool is a great place to see how you measure up against other people. Other people are your competition. You need to beat them. In the pool the lanes are right next to each other so you can easily see who you are beating. And by "beating" I mean "getting beat by someone twenty years older than me."
I have this need to be Number One, even when I don't have anything particularly important to gain by being the best at something. There I am, swimming away, pleased with the exercise I'm getting -- not so strenuous that I'm hurting myself but strenuous enough that I'm not sinking to the bottom -- and some one starts to swim in the next lane. Today it was a kid twenty years younger than me. I'm a 98 lb. weakling who can't swim faster than a five year old in Bozo The Clown water wings, but that didn't stop me from picking up the pace, until I was gasping for air and totally miserable. Now something in my rotator cuff feels a little twingey, and I don't even know what a rotator cuff is. And he still beat the shit out of me.
It's that way in my work life, too. I've had jobs before where I have been totally happy with the amount of money I'm making and pleased with my supervisor. (Fair disclosure: I'm lying -- I've never been totally happy with anything.) Then I find that the guy next to me has a higher salary. Just like that I'm pissed. I go to my supervisor -- the one I like -- and complain about this injustice. When he doesn't do anything to help me out I develop a resentment at this bastard who doesn't know how valuable I am. In two minutes I have gone from being happy and content to being angry and resentful. What changed? Absolutely nothing but my perception of the world.
Perception is reality
$ and more $
I was talking with my friend Scrooge last night about this and that, complaining about everything, basically, postulating that the world would be a much better place if we were in charge (well, if I were in charge, anyway -- he would make a mess of things) and our dialogue drifted into the realm of money. I'm sure I was helping him more than he was helping me, which is the case with most of my friendships. I am Horseface Steve, after all.
The economy is not in great shape and it's natural for this to be a concern for a lot of us. Money is a big trigger if I want to indulge in one of my favorite pastimes: being afraid. I think I said something unusually profound that really resonated with him, even more so that my normal, run-of-the-mill profound comments. He was saying things like "wow" and "unbelievably perceptive and profound." That's how I knew he was impressed.
Anyway, he suggested that I may have found a topic for tomorrow's blog. "That's a great idea," I said, while thinking: "You arrogant twit, thinking I can't come up with my own topics." I think that's how it went. Sometimes I say what I'm thinking and sometimes I think I've said something which, in actuality, I have only thought about. Sometimes people will say to me: "Yeah, you just said that." I thought it, got distracted, and didn't remember what I did or did not say two minutes ago. Lot of LSD in college.
I got up this morning with absolutely no idea what to write about. If you could see inside my head when I'm thinking intently you would see a goat playing a ukulele, riding on a choo choo train. Money would be a great topic, I thought, certain that I came up with this all on my own, even though I had nothing to do with it. Perception is reality as far as I'm concerned.
His job is very structured and secure and he has found this frustrating from time to time. I'm self-employed so my job is totally unstructured and allows me the free time to pursue some things that I'm interested in, which has been really quite very nice. And I do whatever I can to make sure this sticks in the craw of my friends with structured jobs. Now, things have changed and Scrooge is grateful for his stability and my free time might become a liability. The hunter has become the hunted.
The point of all of this is that we have both arrived at a place in our lives where money is not the sole goal and aim. Don't get me wrong -- I like money as much as the next guy, even though it usually blows up in my face and causes more problems than it solves. It's just not worth worrying about.
All of the time.
The economy is not in great shape and it's natural for this to be a concern for a lot of us. Money is a big trigger if I want to indulge in one of my favorite pastimes: being afraid. I think I said something unusually profound that really resonated with him, even more so that my normal, run-of-the-mill profound comments. He was saying things like "wow" and "unbelievably perceptive and profound." That's how I knew he was impressed.
Anyway, he suggested that I may have found a topic for tomorrow's blog. "That's a great idea," I said, while thinking: "You arrogant twit, thinking I can't come up with my own topics." I think that's how it went. Sometimes I say what I'm thinking and sometimes I think I've said something which, in actuality, I have only thought about. Sometimes people will say to me: "Yeah, you just said that." I thought it, got distracted, and didn't remember what I did or did not say two minutes ago. Lot of LSD in college.
I got up this morning with absolutely no idea what to write about. If you could see inside my head when I'm thinking intently you would see a goat playing a ukulele, riding on a choo choo train. Money would be a great topic, I thought, certain that I came up with this all on my own, even though I had nothing to do with it. Perception is reality as far as I'm concerned.
His job is very structured and secure and he has found this frustrating from time to time. I'm self-employed so my job is totally unstructured and allows me the free time to pursue some things that I'm interested in, which has been really quite very nice. And I do whatever I can to make sure this sticks in the craw of my friends with structured jobs. Now, things have changed and Scrooge is grateful for his stability and my free time might become a liability. The hunter has become the hunted.
The point of all of this is that we have both arrived at a place in our lives where money is not the sole goal and aim. Don't get me wrong -- I like money as much as the next guy, even though it usually blows up in my face and causes more problems than it solves. It's just not worth worrying about.
All of the time.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Home Improvements Are My Life
I'm having some windows replaced in my house and luckily, I detected a problem before it got out of hand. Fair disclosure -- this is another one of my many, many problems of prosperity. It's like being upset when your normal Ferrari mechanic is on vacation. Don't bring that up as a topic at a meeting, especially if it's an institution meeting, like a half-way house or prison. In fact, don't bring up a topic that includes any of the following words: Jaguar, millionaire, mansion, or supermodel-sex.
Anyway, I inspected the workmanship on the inside of the house and found it met my rigorous standards. Never mind that I can't tell the difference between a ball peen hammer and a rip saw. I'm prohibited by law from owning any tools that require electricity or have sharp edges or teeth. When I took a stroll around the outside, however, I was horrified at what I saw. There was a lot of significant damage to the window frames, cosmetic damage that would render the home uninhabitable. I would have to just burn it down.
Blending the new confidence that I have found in sobriety with my old, established insanity and tendency to act rashly, precipitously, and with no forethought, I stormed into the house and formulated an attack plan. First, I took a couple of minutes to make sure that my fairly normal wife was upset, too. If I'm going down I'm taking out as many other people as I can. In my mind I was hiring lawyers who would sue a corrupt business for heavy damages. It would be a long, bitter fight with charges and counter charges, and threats of violence.
I did mention in passing to one of the nice installers my concerns. He informed me that this was a two day job and that tomorrow was when they would completely rebuild the outside portion of the window. Which they did. And it looks amazing. Which means I spent another nice chunk of time worrying about a problem which only existed in my mind.
I don't know why I spend so much time looking for problems. I can find fault with perfection. I can spot the slight discoloration on the side panel of a Ferrari at a hundred yards. (Fair disclosure: I couldn't afford to pay the sales tax on a Ferrari.) And when no problem exists, I go ahead and create one at some time in the future. The actual existence of a problem is no obstacle for me.
Anyway, I inspected the workmanship on the inside of the house and found it met my rigorous standards. Never mind that I can't tell the difference between a ball peen hammer and a rip saw. I'm prohibited by law from owning any tools that require electricity or have sharp edges or teeth. When I took a stroll around the outside, however, I was horrified at what I saw. There was a lot of significant damage to the window frames, cosmetic damage that would render the home uninhabitable. I would have to just burn it down.
Blending the new confidence that I have found in sobriety with my old, established insanity and tendency to act rashly, precipitously, and with no forethought, I stormed into the house and formulated an attack plan. First, I took a couple of minutes to make sure that my fairly normal wife was upset, too. If I'm going down I'm taking out as many other people as I can. In my mind I was hiring lawyers who would sue a corrupt business for heavy damages. It would be a long, bitter fight with charges and counter charges, and threats of violence.
I did mention in passing to one of the nice installers my concerns. He informed me that this was a two day job and that tomorrow was when they would completely rebuild the outside portion of the window. Which they did. And it looks amazing. Which means I spent another nice chunk of time worrying about a problem which only existed in my mind.
I don't know why I spend so much time looking for problems. I can find fault with perfection. I can spot the slight discoloration on the side panel of a Ferrari at a hundred yards. (Fair disclosure: I couldn't afford to pay the sales tax on a Ferrari.) And when no problem exists, I go ahead and create one at some time in the future. The actual existence of a problem is no obstacle for me.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Bending Reality
I was walking around today, mumbling to myself, thinking about my absolute favorite topic: Me, Horseface Steve. It's hard to put into words the love affair that I have with myself. I overlook all of my defects -- no mean feat given their sheer volume and intensity -- and I exaggerate the extent of the few good attributes that I have managed to hang onto. I call this Bending Reality. I was the kid using a ball peen hammer to jam the little square peg through the little round hole. It looked like it would fit to me.
What good attributes, some might ask? Well, I have very good personal hygiene as long as we're not including the teeth or gums, I'm nice to animals if they're nice to me, and I always return my shopping cart to the cart corral at the grocery store. I'm sympathetic to the fact that the store can not be held liable for any damages caused by their carts. I am interested in helping them keep their costs down.
Actually, I started thinking about how much I think about myself while I was on the phone with a friend in The Program, trying hard to feign interest in what he was saying, as it was taking my attention away from myself. Suddenly, it dawned on me: this guy is thinking about himself too much! Oh, sure he was dressing it up as some unknowable character defect that was impossible to detect, but it was good old self-absorption.
I pointed out his shortcoming. My second favorite activity after thinking about myself -- Horseface Steve -- is criticizing the behavior of others. He was grateful for my keen insight. He said something along the lines of: "Why don't you go #!#!* yourself you self-righteous piece of #$!!*. Then we went and had a cup of coffee.
The truth hurts.
What good attributes, some might ask? Well, I have very good personal hygiene as long as we're not including the teeth or gums, I'm nice to animals if they're nice to me, and I always return my shopping cart to the cart corral at the grocery store. I'm sympathetic to the fact that the store can not be held liable for any damages caused by their carts. I am interested in helping them keep their costs down.
Actually, I started thinking about how much I think about myself while I was on the phone with a friend in The Program, trying hard to feign interest in what he was saying, as it was taking my attention away from myself. Suddenly, it dawned on me: this guy is thinking about himself too much! Oh, sure he was dressing it up as some unknowable character defect that was impossible to detect, but it was good old self-absorption.
I pointed out his shortcoming. My second favorite activity after thinking about myself -- Horseface Steve -- is criticizing the behavior of others. He was grateful for my keen insight. He said something along the lines of: "Why don't you go #!#!* yourself you self-righteous piece of #$!!*. Then we went and had a cup of coffee.
The truth hurts.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Expectations, Incorporated
Expect: Implies a considerable degree of confidence that an event will happen.
Normally I expect that whatever is going to happen will be very, very bad. So bad -you don't know how bad. Don't get me started on how bad. This despite the fact that very bad things almost never happen to me and when they do, they're not as bad as I think they're going to be, and even then I've been given the tools to handle whatever comes my way. But I'm sure this time it's going to be different. This time it's going to be bad.
Ironically, the rest of the time I expect that the outcome is going to be very, very good. Implausibly good. Scoring the winning points as time expires to win The Championship of the World good. Super model in a Ferrari good. People are a little wary about planning things with me or giving me anything because my expectations are so blown out of proportion. "You bought me a little gift? Is it a Ferrari? A red Ferrari?"
I'm going to die today in a horrible, painful accident or I'm going to live forever in the penthouse suite at the Shangri La Hotel. I haven't decided which yet. Could be both. I'm not sure how that would work but I bet it'd be cool.
Normally I expect that whatever is going to happen will be very, very bad. So bad -you don't know how bad. Don't get me started on how bad. This despite the fact that very bad things almost never happen to me and when they do, they're not as bad as I think they're going to be, and even then I've been given the tools to handle whatever comes my way. But I'm sure this time it's going to be different. This time it's going to be bad.
Ironically, the rest of the time I expect that the outcome is going to be very, very good. Implausibly good. Scoring the winning points as time expires to win The Championship of the World good. Super model in a Ferrari good. People are a little wary about planning things with me or giving me anything because my expectations are so blown out of proportion. "You bought me a little gift? Is it a Ferrari? A red Ferrari?"
I'm going to die today in a horrible, painful accident or I'm going to live forever in the penthouse suite at the Shangri La Hotel. I haven't decided which yet. Could be both. I'm not sure how that would work but I bet it'd be cool.
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