Random Thoughts

Sometimes alcoholics confuse boredom with peace and serenity.

After more spiritual development we find the source of perfect peace to be God himself.

Religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell - Spirituality is for people who've already been there.

Do I want freedom from fear or freedom from want?  THAT is a stupid question . . . almost as stupid as Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?

Why don't you worry about it a little more?  Maybe that'll help . . . . .

I do not hold with those who believe alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control.   These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control.

It's the first drink that I have to worry about.  That's the one that gets me drunk.  It's not the caboose that kills you - it's the locomotive.

What other people do is none of my business.  None.  Of.  My.  Business.

I'm responsible for my second thought and my first action.  The first thought is sort of a wild card.

Love people for who they are and not who you want them to be.

I love the psychological theory of Risk Versus Reward.  Every day I'm balancing what I get out of something and with the potential for a bad outcome.  Even with something as simple as driving a car - there's very little risk but  potential for a horrible outcome.  I've decided that the convenience and necessity of driving a car is worth that very small chance.  I do this knowing that today a few people in my town are going to drive a car and something awful is going to happen.  We make hundreds of choices like this every day.  I have to remember that sometimes my perceived risk/reward calculation is going to be different from someone else's.

God gave me this Program but he expects me to put in a ton of work.

If I take care of my internal world then the external world takes care of itself.

Humility is acknowledging that I'm not always right.  (Ed. Note: Ack!)

For a guy who made a mess of his life I'm cocksure about how everyone else should live theirs.  (Ed. Note: D'oh!!)

It's Not A Lie . . . If YOU Believe It

Always a good personal reminder: meditation is not about stopping my thinking.  I don't have to strive to get to point where I get lost in some nether world.  Meditation is about watching my thinking drift by without judging it or trying to control it.  "Huh, that's an interesting thought," I should say, before I simply go back to paying attention to my breathing.  Breath in - Breath out.  Let Go - Let God.

Intuitively handle things which used to baffle me.  That was a huge list, that bafflement list.

George Costanza: "Remember . . . it's not a lie if you believe it."

Rereading my daily journal beginning last summer.  A lot of predictions and a lot of misses.  Some hits, probably more hits than misses, but a shit-ton of misses.  This is why I try not to get too wrapped up in what's going to "happen" in the future - I'm pretty lousy at predicting it.  I'm often way off.  I'm occasionally not even in the game.

The difference between an apology - saying I'm sorry - and an amend - actually changing my behavior - is a difference that is important to remember.  I need to do both, of course, but the not-doing-it-again part is critical.

Coming to embrace an almost total digital existence.  Ones and Zeroes.  Thought as mathematics.  Losing what is material and becoming electricity.  If we're lucky our presence on earth is felt for 3 generations and - without children - you'll be forgotten for the most part in 25 years.  Bits and scraps of your life might be interesting in a vague historical way: "Huh, I wonder who this Seaweed guy was who scribbled in the margins of this book long ago . . . "

I'm a Balker and a Stove Toucher.

The Twelve Stumbling Steps and Twelve Not-Traditional Traditions.

If I let go a little, I get a little.

If I let go a lot, I get a lot.

"Enter the dark wood where there was no path, for it is a shameful thing to take a path that someone has trod before."  Attributed to the Holy Grail.

You can act your way into a new way of thinking much more easily than you can think your way into a new of acting.

There has never been anything like unbridled capitalism in the United States - State, Federal, and local governments have been involved from the very beginning.

Doubting God is no barrier to a spiritual experience.

I find this idea of insisting on my right to do whatever I want to do perilously close to saying I don't care what happens to you.  What kind of message does this send to our new members when we're not following the law?  That you should obey the rules - that you should live an honest, ethical life unless you disagree with the rules?  That's chaos.  That's anarchy.

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . Please Welcome . . . Children of Chaos!

Chaos: Complete disorder and confusion.

Confusion:  A disorderly jumble; a situation of panic; a breakdown of order.

Children of Chaos, we had defiantly played with every brand of fire, only to emerge unharmed and, we think, wiser.

Confusion replaced serenity.  Quite characteristically, we had gone all out in confusing the ends with the means.  Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life.

Children of Chaos would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

There was a little confusion as to the exact format in our meeting today.  We got the ship righted right quick.  I like using the ship analogy to describe the course of my life: When I was drinking I used to sink a handful of My Life ships each week.  Sometimes they sank slowly although it wasn't unusual for my ship to sink after I blew it up with a lot of TNT.  Sometimes I sank a ship a day for weeks on end and sometimes I'd sink a ship in the morning then sink a couple more in the afternoon, just for the hell of it.  Now my ships might take on water or list to the left or to the right or go backwards and people and things sometimes fall overboard, but I haven't sank an entire ship since I got sober.  There have been ships that have had to be towed back into port but not a single one has gone down.

If A.A. started today would it have made it?  An interesting question . . .  We definitely are people with fixed, intransigent opinions on everything.  I'm not sure we would be able to transcend all of the strong opinions in our hyper-polarized society.  A tragic thought because here's a Program with a set of simple spiritual principles that can and has helped all kinds of people for 80 years.

I've been pondering non-verbal communication so the reading today - a historical overview of our Steps and Traditions - helped me sort out some of these thoughts.  This, of course, is about the in-person meeting that I . . . you know . . . don't have to write about anymore because I'm clearly completely over any lingering resentments.  I've been teasing my sponsor who attends that meeting . . . . kind of . . . by asking him how the "Republican"meeting is going.  He understands the snark and isn't offended by it but I notice he often says that politics aren't discussed.  It makes me think about all the ways I can get my message across without actually using words.  For instance, I would never wear a T-Shirt with a picture of a political candidate to a meeting because I risk offending someone; maybe someone new who is looking for an excuse to reject A.A. hates this particular candidate.   I wouldn't have to actually talk about the policies of this figure - it would be implied.  I can roll my eyes, assume a disgusted facial expression, audibly exhale a little puff of annoyed breath, not wear a mask in a meeting that requires that one be worn - all very obvious and effective ways of communicating.

Messaging is a tricky subject.

Bob Loblaw

 Selfish:  Holding one's own self-interest as the standard of decision making; having regard for one's self above other's well-being.  (Ed. Note: I like the inclusion of the word well-being.  It's not that I'm not considering the wishes of someone else - it's that I don't care about their health, happiness, or prosperity.  I don't give a shit, although I usually convince myself otherwise.)

I'm really intrigued by this tension between individual rights - doing whatever I want to do with no interference from anyone - and the interest of a larger group of people - in A.A., my neighborhood, my city, my country.  Whenever there's an issue with no clear-cut solution both sides can often make a convincing case.  A lot of this pondering is a result of my irritation with the live A.A. meeting that I've struggling with - you know, the one I'm so over that I don't have to write about it anymore?  It's nice to get my way.  I prefer it to all the other ways.  It's also nice to be around people who are more contented because they're getting their way, too.  It's not satisfying if I never get my way but I'm uncomfortable when I'm getting my way all the time, often at the expense of the ways of other people.  Anyone who isn't willing to compromise, who insists on getting their way 100% of the time does so at the risk of alienating someone else.  When I'm around people who insist on calling all the shots I'm either forced to capitulate to the will of another, often sulking in silent anger, or moving away from that person.  If I like foreign movies and my friend, who likes thrillers, always insists on going to a thriller, eventually I'm going to say: "Fuck this guy, I'm going to find someone else to go to the movies with."  It's not so much that I won't go to the occasional thriller but that it's nice to be with someone who seems concerned - or at least aware - that I might like to have my way sometimes.

There's a character on a sitcom I'm watching right now called Bob Lablaw.  Try saying it out loud.  This is sort of what I'm doing with this screed.

Working With Another

 Part Two: “We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics.”

God has entrusted a special gift of healing for sick alcoholics which He has withheld from all other persons.  This was granted to us so that we might justify our right to live sober, normal lives by helping other alcoholics recover from their illness.

(What a famous A.A. principle this is! There are so many reminders in our literature that our recovery is a gift freely received, freely given, stories about people refusing to believe that the only reason a recovering alcoholic is talking to them - for free! - is to ensure that own person's sobriety. "It is important for him (or her) to realize that your attempt to pass this on plays a vital part in your own recovery." Big Book P. 94.)

We should be critical of our own development . . . as it is impossible to share with another something that we do not possess ourselves.  Contrariwise, even though well qualified ourselves, we cannot share A.A. with alcoholics who reject our help.  It is pointless to try.  Herein lies a cardinal virtue of sponsorship - it is the momentary loss of self-centeredness. (So many important ideas here, too; chief among them being that if someone doesn't want our help they don't want our help. It's really hard to get sober if a person is really motivated - it's almost impossible if they are completely resistant. There's also the reminder that when we're trying to help someone else we lose some of that aberrant fascination with our own personal self. I mean . . . it's OK to be concerned with your own well-being but . . . c'mon . . . we're talking an unhealthy obsession. "But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got." Big Book P. 164.)

Another significant part of sponsorship, in which several members can carry the message, is that of starting new groups or working with weaker ones. All members must carry the message to develop A.A.'s growth and gain personal experience if we are to continue the source of referrals started by our founders. (Interesting that starting a new meeting can be an important part of carrying the message. Maybe I should stop bitching so much about the break-away meeting.)

Demands on the newcomer are few - it is imperative that the prospect: 1. Is an alcoholic. 2. Wants to quit drinking. 3. Calls A.A. for help. Successful sponsors require these qualifications of a newcomer. (Here we can see a little bit that our Fellowship has mellowed as it has become more of a well-known, mainstream organization. I laugh at the "require" part of the text. Frankly, anyone who comes in the door by whatever means and whether they're interested or not at all at getting sober is fine by us.)

We should not push him into A.A. Let him ask for it. The newcomer should know about the spiritual aspect of A.A., particularly that it is not a religion but his own concept of God. Point out that alcoholism is an illness from which he must recover, that he is sick - not his family. Be friendly, but don't baby him. Although we may help him to a meeting at first, we should not make it a fixed habit. (The Little Red Book freely references the A.A. chapter Working with Others in making the above points: Don't waste time on someone who isn't interested; a spiritual program and not a religious one; alcoholism is an illness; the alcoholic is the one who needs to get better, not the alcoholic's family; and don't coddle the drunk - if he can make it to the bar and/or the drug dealer every night he can make it to a meeting.

Go on the theory that A.A. can do without you, but that you cannot live without A.A. Buy a Big Book and follow its advice. It is foolish to assume that you can recover from alcoholism without a book which contains the recovery instructions.

Be Careful What You Ask For

I've been increasingly careful in my sobriety to make sure I consider all of the ramifications and weird angles and improbable outcomes of actions I take.  I'm wary of asking for things or complaining about stuff because life spins off consequences in ways I don't anticipate.

I have a friend here in the complex who's a complainer.  Not a bitcher, I don't think, but rather one of those people who immediately takes action whenever he sees something he doesn't like.  I'm more low key - I figure things work themselves out most of the time and I'm fretful about setting trains into motion because trains seem to run over me or jump the tracks and smash shit up.  A good train sitting quietly on a side track is okay by me.

Anyway, my buddy uses the small exercise room attached to our pool here before he joins me to swim.  I noticed recently that the gym was closed while the pool remained open.  Because of CoVid restrictions in our area private facilities like this can be completely closed or allowed to remain open or any hybrid in-between.  I've been grateful that our owners have kept the pool open while a number of adjoining communities have kept them completely shuttered.  A few months ago the pool heater went out, preventing me from swimming for a week or two.  I let management know about the problem and then kept my mouth shut.  It wasn't their fault and they ordered the part to remedy the outage, which took a week to arrive.  I wasn't happy about it but I didn't see the point in raising a fuss.  Things break sometimes, you know?

Anyway, seems my buddy was irritated enough about a number of matters - matters that seem minor to me - to email the park manager to complain and - here's the kicker - he cc'd her boss.  He shows up the next day and the gym is shuttered "because of the county's restrictions against exercise clubs" according to the manager.  I suspect she got tired of fucking around with this guy and figured it would be easier to just close the whole gym.

I had to giggle under my breath.  Set a train in motion and you never know what'll happen.

Restless, Irritable, and Discontent

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks."  Big Book P.P. XXVI. 

Those are powerful words written by Dr. Silkworth, a physician who was instrumental in promoting Alcoholics Anonymous in our earliest days.  As you'd expect from a medical doctor his words factual and dispassionate.  Blunt, almost.  "This is what you're up against," he seems to be saying.

Later on comes this: "Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he must sometimes feel his own inadequacy.  ... we physicians must admit we have made little impression upon the problem as a whole."  Big Book P. XXVII.   That's a pretty amazing admission from a physician, a group of people not world renowned for their humility.  He's basically saying: "We got nuthin.' Listen to these laypeople who've been sober for a few months."  When's the last time you saw a doctor just throw up his hands?  Or even worse - admit they have no idea how to solve a problem?

For some reason this section brought to mind a guy I knew when I lived in Indianapolis.  He was a successful businessman, outgoing and confident; forceful, in fact, in his confidence.  When he was still drinking he got on a reading jag, starting with some books on how to influence other people before moving on to some that promoted positivity in one's life.  He was out on the golf course with some friends, playing terribly, forcibly inflicting false positivity on everyone, when one of his buddies said: "What are you talking about?  You're in the sand trap.  You've been in the rough all day.  You're playing like shit."

I think the connection is that this is the kind of person that Dr. Silkworth dealt with for years and years with little to no success.  It's like trying to explain to a non-alcoholic what it's like discussing the problems and consequences of heroin addiction to a heroin addict who, in the throes of addiction insanity, doesn't want to quit.  You're talking to an insane person.  You'd think it would be pretty easy to make a case that there's a better way to live but the person you're talking to - an alcoholic or an addict who suffers from an allergy and a compulsion - is insane at that moment.