Steps 6 and 7: The Throwaway Steps ( :) )

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear - primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.   Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.  The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone." 12&12 P 76.

Demand: A forceful claim for something.
Request: To ask for something. 

"Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems.  We fled from them as from a plague.  We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering."  12&12 P 74.

"Else why would we consume such great amounts of time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact, and accepting it?  12&12 P 67.

I got sober on August 16, 1987.  I almost never talk about that because I have enough trouble with my ego as it is.  I hope one thing I bring to meetings is the fact that I'm not fixed.  I'm not all better.  I have problems of money, power, and sex just like you do and I try to admit to those when I share.  There's nothing worse than an old-timer who acts like everything is just fine all the time.   I do have some experience working through these kinds of problems.  I know what to do, what kinds of action to take to get though these challenges.  I don't even like the word "problem."  My buddy tomorrow talks about AFGOs:  Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.

So my current problem is the pandemic.  It has been inconvenient for me and it is - after all - all about me.  My tendency is to dwell in the problem.  I know what the solution is so why do I hang around way too long in the problem?  Human nature?  Bookman nature?  I don't know.

So lets's talk about solving problems.  The pandemic is a boil on my ass right now.  Nobody's happy about the pandemic.  Nobody wants to hear why you're unhappy about the pandemic but we don't want to pretend that the pandemic isn't here.  

Do I live in the problem, frustrated and angry, or do I find a way to accept that I'm not getting what I want or having to do something that I don't want to do?

Damn Steps, Anyway

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."  Step Five.

I get too hung up on the "another human being" part of Step Five.  Funny that it's last in the unholy triumvirate of admittees.  I guess I'm vaguely aware of God being mentioned but, boy, do I gloss over the part about admitting the exact nature of our wrongs to ourselves, too.  Why would I want to know anything about my defects of character?

Exact:  Precisely agreeing with the truth.

"Relieve me of the bondage of self . . . "  Third Step Prayer, fragmented.

Self:  Self-interest or personal advantage.

I am so sick of this preoccupation with the idea that I'm preoccupied with myself.  Selfish, self-interested, self-centered, self-absorbed, self, self, self!  Quit talking about anything except for me!

"Take away my difficulties, that victory over them would bear witness to those I would help . . . "  Third Step Prayer, further fragmented.

Wait a minute . . . take away my difficulties so that I can help someone?  What the fuck?  I want my difficulties taken away so that I don't have any difficulties.

Difficulty:  An obstacle that hinders achievement of a goal.

Change

Change:    To become something different.

Man, is that a great definition.  Simple, powerful, unambiguous.  You were one thing and now you're something else.

I have never liked to hear the oft-repeated platitude that "alcoholics hate change."  Change makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time.  Change frightens me.  It's intimidating but I've spent a big part of life embracing change, going out to find it and see what the hell happens.  Life is about experiences, not things.  Spend your time and money and energy on doing things, not buying things, having things.

An alcoholic is an individual who furnishes the rut he's stuck in.

Trapped in a Maze of Circular Logic

"The veneration of the dead, including one's ancestors, is based on love and respect for the deceased.  In some cultures, it is related to beliefs that the dead have a continued existence, and may possess the ability to influence the fortune of the living.  (In some cultures) the goal of ancestor veneration is to ensure the ancestors' continued well-being and positive disposition towards the living, and sometimes to ask for special favors or assistance."  Wikipedia

"A whole family, harmonious and devout.  Aware of debts to our parents and ancestors.  Revering Nature, grateful for society."  Excerpt from "A Song of Gratitude" by the Japanese Buddhist Monk Soen Ozeki

Ozeki capitalizes the word Nature.  The implication here is that nature is more important than society or that, at least, it occupies a higher plane.

There is an emphasis on being grateful for those who have come before us.  In my morning Quiet Time I try to reflect for a moment on my grandparents, my parents, and an aunt and uncle who were so influential in my early life.  These good people weren't perfect, of course, just flawed humans doing the best they could at the time with the tools they had.  Whenever I get mad at something I think they should have done but didn't or something they did that they shouldn't have I try to come back to this fact: that I'm a pretty decent person.  Based on the long-term results even though they made some mistakes they did a good job overall.

My religion assures me that all of them are in a good place so I don't labor under the illusion that my actions can improve their situation but I do like to remember what they did for me.  This keeps them alive in my heart and this fills my heart, not always with joy but always with gratitude.

I continue to investigate the concept of Regret, the tension between the belief that I needed to go through everything I went through to become the good man I believe I am and the supposition that if I had known the future when I was growing up would I have changed things to make them "better?"

A maze of circular logic, semantically speaking.

Serenity Now!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change . . . . 

Serenity:  The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled; a lack of agitation or disturbance.

When I recite The Serenity Prayer I fall into the trap of thinking the first sentence is primarily about acceptance.  (Ed. Note: What a great name for a prayer.  If I came up with one it would be called something like The Agitation Prayer.)  As you can clearly see - by reading the words - the emphasis is on serenity.  If I'm agitated or disturbed then I'm simply not accepting life as it is.  I have a tendency to try to solve my dissatisfaction with objectionable topics (politics, personalities, how my wife and family and friends and society are treating me, etc. etc.) by trying to become more accepting, cleverly skating past the being serene part, with predictable results on the state of my acceptance.  

Here's a party trick: stoke up a big resentment against a person, place, or thing, get all agitated and disturbed and self-righteous, then try to practice an attitude of acceptance.

Yeah, it doesn't work for me, either.

Instincts In Collision While Also Rampaging And Balking At Investigation

Calm:  Peaceful, quiet, especially free from anger and anxiety.

"The most subtle of all temptations is the seeming success of the wicked.  It requires moral courage to see, without flinching, material prosperity coming to men who are dishonest; to see politicians rise into prominence, power and wealth by trickery and corruption; to see virtue in rags and vice in velvets; to see ignorance at a premium, and knowledge at a discount.  To the man who is really calm these puzzles of life do not appeal.  He is living his life as best he can; he is not worrying about the problems of justice, whose solution must be left to Omniscience to solve."  William George Jordan "The Majesty of Calmness

Boy, I'd like to be a billionaire.  THAT would be really great.

Boy, if I were a billionaire I would do a lot of really great things.  Like kill myself with illegal substances.  I would be a train wreck with a lot of money.  I'm doing fine.  Who wears a $1000 shirt, anyhow?  I'd spill coffee on it.

It is not always easy to understand that a calm life well-lived, in service to man and my higher power, not seeking attention or to be in the spotlight, demonstrating love and kindness that usually isn't recognized . . .  it's not always easy doing this.

Me!  Me!  Look at me!!

Those pesky instincts - sex, money, and power - are not easy to control and impossible to completely eliminate.  

In Step Four in the 12&12 they're termed "God-given" and later on we're reminded that they can ". . . exceed their proper function."

"Instincts on rampage balk at investigation."  (Ed. Note: "Instincts on Rampage" would be an EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band.)

"Instincts restored to true purpose."

"Whenever a human being becomes a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace."

"We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives.  If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backward into disillusionment.  When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses."

Pride:  A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Boy, I'm not comfortable with that "as cherished in the mind" part.  Apparently my walking around obsessing about what a giant on the earth I am qualifies as pride even though I try not to display this smug knowledge to all of the life forms swirling around my being.  I do like that "opinion" is in there.  It doesn't say "Knowledge of my own high dignity, importance, merit, and superiority."

"By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray (Ed. Note: "Instincts Gone Astray" would be another EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band), have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock."

Sum that bastard up.  I should note that almost all of these quotes are from Step Four in the 12&12, leading me to believe that the inventory process is going to be crucial in determining why I have been such a dick.

I'll conclude with this: "Instincts in Collision" would be one more EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band.

One Day At A Time

Some more early theories on alcoholism that have held up beautifully over the years, courtesy of Richard Peabody . . . 

"The intellectual idea of abstinence is not of itself adequate to carry on the cure conscientiously over a sufficient period of time.  It takes sustained effort to unite the intellectual concept which led the alcoholic to seek help with that consistent form of action which is an expression of an automatic attitude rather than a monument to will power."

"Whatever may be the theoretical desire and intention, the old habits do not die as quickly or as easily as one could wish, nor are they dead and buried as soon as the patient considers them to be.  The habits of five, ten, and perhaps twenty years' standing are not going to pass out of the picture in as many days or even weeks, no matter how intelligent or conscientious a man may be in his application to the work.  He has got to keep on directing his mental processes in a formal and definite manner for at least a year after his last debauch."

I share the following personal timelines for my recovery process.

It took me two years before I had a clue as to what was going on in Alcoholics Anonymous.
It took me five years to come to some kind of understanding of a Higher Power.
It took me ten years to really, truly internalize what it meant to live a spiritual way of life.

I'm careful to point out that these time frames are very loose and approximate and to emphasize that my life was steadily improving.  The thrust of the comments here are that my recovery was slow and steady, sometimes slooooooow and steady.  Often I was slogging through the day in a manner that can be best characterized as a purposeful trudge.  There was very little joyful skipping and mincing and prancing.  It was hard work getting rid of the thoughts and urges that compelled me to drink.

One Day At A Time.