Boredom

Bore:   To weary by being dull, uninteresting, or monotonous.
Boredom: The condition of being bored or uninterested; ennui.


I never considered boredom to be a personal character defect; I considered it to be a defect of life in general that was impacting me unnecessarily.  All of the routine and humdrum, all of the teeth brushing and work and family obligations, all of it was way, way beneath me.  I was arrogant enough to get upset while I was waiting in line to get my auto tags renewed on the rare occasions when I was solvent enough to have a car that was actually running, which is something that I'm required to do by law, irritatingly enough.  "I'm too important for this," I groused.


I'm embarrassed to admit that I thought life was going to be all fun all of the time, all gumdrops and lollipops.  I'm not sure that I could sell this concept to your average 5 year old which speaks to my emotional maturity at the time.  I didn't spend any time going to doctors or maintaining my car because it wasn't fun, with predictable results to my body and cars.  I had trouble making the connection between behaving poorly and outcomes that affected me.


Often, I dispensed with work because it wasn't as much fun as getting stoned and watching "The Beverly Hillbillies," as great as that show might have been.  And if I had to do something I considered routine and ordinary, I drank or used to ease the boredom, with more predictable results.  The last picture that I had taken for a driver's license before I got clean and sober shows me staring vaguely off into the distance at an odd angle.  I seemed to be watching a rocket ship land on the distant horizon.  When they said " look here and smile" I apparently couldn't handle that much concentration.  I'm surprised they gave me the license.


Today when I get bored I file under "Character Defect."  There's no reason for it.  It's not appropriate.  I'm taking a perfectly lovely and stimulating world and wasting my opportunities.  

Problem Persona

Problem:  A question, matter, situation, or person that is perplexing or difficult.


I've been a little too focused on The Problem here lately.  It might be the New Year and all the talk of resolutions, which I never make, far too aware of my ability to not follow through on anything that might be even slightly difficult.  I don't get too bent out of shape when I get Problem Centered anymore.  I think the ability to see problems is pretty common in human nature.  There must be something instinctual going on here: as in, "I don't have enough berries to eat tonight" or "That bear appears to be getting ready to eat me" or maybe "Man, is this cave a piece of shit."


I will say that alcoholics seem to have taken Problem Focusing into the next dimension.  We seem to have been  rocketed there by our problems.  I know that my nature is to say: "OK, what's wrong with this picture."  I can be looking at the Mona Lisa when I say this.  I don't like the frame or the museum is too cold or that guy talking next to me is a $#!! idiot and why won't he just shut up?


"If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."

Dream On, Dream On

Dream:  To imagine as possible; fancy; suppose.


Dream on, dream on . . .


I like to dream every now and then.  This has changed in my sobriety from totally unrealistic dreams -- rock star, sports legend, Ferrari owner -- to totally implausible dreams.  But I've found out that dreams are free and mostly harmless, as long as I drift back into the reality of the real world from time to time, not always a sure bet in my case.  And I've also found that some of my implausible dreams come true.  I've had an interesting life and done some interesting things as the result of my flights of fancy.  This is a nice improvement over sitting in front of The Television, smoking weed and drinking beer, watching something that I wouldn't remember watching the next day.


I try to check in with friends and hoary heads of sobriety before I fly off to fast and far.  Sell all my possessions and try to replace Keith Richards -- not a good idea.  Save up some money and visit Vietnam -- might happen some day.

Anger and Indignation and Rage and Fury, O My!

Anger:  Implies emotional agitation of no specified intensity aroused by great displeasure.
Indignation:  Implies righteous anger aroused by what is considered unjust, mean, or shameful.
Rage:  Suggests violent outburst of anger in which self-control is lost.
Fury:  Implies an overwhelming rage of a frenzied kind that borders on madness.


There's a section in my dictionary right after the definition of a word that suggests some appropriate synonyms to help me understand the nuances of the definition.  What a nice progression this particular list is!  I start with emotional agitation which is usually full of self-righteous self-pity; I get violent -- in my thinking, at least -- and I lose self-control.  The anger becomes overwhelming and approaches insanity.


Yep.  That sounds like me.  That sounds like a typical progression for me.


This afternoon I found that I was somewhat annoyed at life for no particular reason that I could discern. I was in a mildly bad mood which I'm afraid is something that is going to happen to all of us from time to time.  When this happens I start looking for things to focus my bad mood on, and I get angry at them.  I focus on things that irritate me.  I guess I need to justify my bad mood.  Sometimes I pick whatever happens to be handy and sometimes I go to a tried and true list of stuff that I find upsetting in a historical sense.


I'm sure glad there are tomorrows.

New Year's Eve

New Year's Day, after a New Year's Eve spent with a group of drunks in recovery -- no fistfights, splintered furniture or ruined relationships, no cops, no missing fenders or bouts with the Porcelain God -- and I was still home, safe and warm, and asleep by midnight.


Nice to feel a sense of optimism and hope today.  I'd say optimism and hope for the new year but it's more appropriate to feel that sense for today, for this day.  I remember well the feeling that I was facing another disastrous year, full of remorse and regret for my life to this point, vaguely aware that I was going to be drunk and stoned in short order.  Say what you will but alcohol is an effective remorse killer in the short term.


Things are going to work out.

Faith?

Faith:  Unquestioning belief; complete confidence or reliance: as, children usually have faith in their parents.


Once again I must admit that I CANNOT BELIEVE I have not looked up the definition of faith in almost 4 years of postings.  That tells you something about my interest in the positive.  I've looked up fear so many times that the page has crumbled into dust.


I don't believe that these mythical children who have faith in their parents turn out to be alcoholics.  We don't have faith in anything except, ironically, our own decision making abilities, which is the last thing we should have faith in giving our lousy track record of doing things and the dire consequences of our decisions.


My meditation this morning again drifted into reflection on how everything seems to work out as long as I keep kicking the can down the road.  My goal is to get up, brush my teeth, and start kicking the can.  I don't try to pulverize the can with the biggest kick ever in the history of mankind and I don't cower in fear that the can will begin to kick me back.  I'm pretty sure that the can would win any kicking contests where I'm the opponent.


If there's one thing I've learned in The Program it is to Keep the Faith.  No matter what I have had to go through the lesson is that it's all going to work out in the long run.  My problem is that I don't like the long run.  I don't like to run at all.

Moving

 If you want to be miserable try moving.  It’s a misery maker.  As a general rule I’m kind of a change junkie – the change itself makes me insane but I find it stimulating and strangely comforting to try new things – but moving is too much change all at once.  Anxiety attack kind of change.  And as far as my new place is concerned, I have been vigorously exercising my previously mentioned ability to uncover the fault in the faultless thing, to discover fault where no fault exists, to boldly go and find fault where no man has ever found fault ever before!  It’s also quite compelling for me to do this.

The guys that moved our possessions were all in The Program.  First of all and most importantly, they were professionals who did a great job.  If they had smashed up our stuff the extra benefits they brought along would have paled.  The thing SuperK and I really appreciated was the optimism and good humor they brought to their work.  They really helped make a stressful situation much less stressful.  I’ve moved many, many times and I can honestly say this was as close to pleasant as it has ever been.  They were complimentary about our new place and this made us feel good, even if they were lying.  Point out the good in the change, not the downside.    And we got to chat about The Program during breaks.  They made suggestions about furniture placement.  They didn’t approach this as an evil task that needed to be completed as soon as possible.  And they pointed out that we needed to get rid of some things because we no longer have the room – I appreciate this honesty, too.  If someone is complimentary all of the time then we call that lip service.  I want to know when I’m messing up.

I called the company owner the next day and tried to explain this.  I know that I have trouble sometimes understanding how to be of service to my fellow man during the routine parts of my life.  I wanted him to know that I really felt like the work he and his men did was in part service work, a spiritual thing.  I shared how great I felt when I got notes from my customers thanking me for my effort when I was making money selling them things.  I wasn’t in the category of Sleazy Salesman trying to make as much money as possible.  I felt like I was a technician trying to help someone solve a problem.  It was a very good feeling.  It made me see how important to my peace of mind and general well-being it is to simply do my best as I live my life.  I used to spend so much time thinking Big Thoughts about service that I didn’t notice how rude I was to the clerk at the Plaid Pantry.

I still had an anxiety attack my first night at home.  I’m getting better, not getting done.