Expectorations

Expect: To look for as due, proper, or necessary: as, some parents expect too much from their children.


The poor New City is groaning under the weight of all my expectations at the moment.  Man, can I heap expectations on just about anything.  There is no better way to be disappointed than to bury anything or anyone under a fucking mountain of expectations.


I like the definition of this word.  We think things are due to us.  We think they're necessary.  It's just and right and proper that things work out exactly the way I think they should.  It's no wonder I failed at all of my relationships and jobs in the past.  No one or no thing could withstand the pressure of all my expectations.


I like the phrase "Take it Easy."  I don't like doing the phrase "Take it Easy" but I like the theoretical concept.  I like hearing about how other people "Take it Easy."  Maybe some day I should ask them how they do it.


Naaaah.

The Dark Side

I discussed depression with a fellow member yesterday.  I'm something of an expert on depression, apparently preferring it to happiness.  There's no other explanation for why I spend so much time contemplating The Dark Side.  It's easier to feed the funk than to look on the bright side of things.  Anyway, it's always a good exercise for me to talk about how I'm feeling because I often have no idea how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way I am or how to look at what feelings are dominating my life at the moment.


Much of the time when I'm depressed or unhappy it's due to some overt, identifiable cause.  If SuperK is unhappy with me or I lose a job or find out that I'm sick with some awful, incurable disease (which I shouldn't even joke about), it's perfectly normal to feel some disquiet.  I know the cause of my feelings and I can do something about it, whether that's changing my behavior or learning to accept how things are.


But some of us have more systemic problems that require more than analysis.  Some of us need counseling and medication to right the listing ship.  There's nothing the matter with this.  Nobody feels guilty if they get cancer.  Sometimes our bodies go haywire or produce things we'd rather they didn't produce.  It's not our fault.  

The Ends and The Means

End:  a ceasing to exist; death or destruction.


I struggle mightily with the journey.  I struggle seeing life as a series of steps, as a process, rather than something that needs to be rushed through or endured.  I am so results oriented.  I tend to miss a lot because I'm charging into the future so ferociously.  I miss most of the path, which is a shame because most of life is the path.  And most of the time I end up at a place that's no big deal or it's WORSE than where I started.  


The ends justify the means?  The means justify the ends?

Scathed

Unscathed: Not scathed; uninjured.


I had one of those weird disconnects from everything yesterday: god, people, The Program.  It happens sometimes.  It feels like somebody flicks a switch and I'm out there all by myself, cut off from the world.  I can see everyone else but I can't make the connection.  Usually I can put my finger on something that's bugging me and try to do something about it.  Yesterday was one of those days when I was half a beat slow all day.


I hang in there when this happens.  I don't try to figure everything out anymore.  OK, I try to figure everything out still but I know it isn't always going to happen.  This goes back to my expectation that I can make it through life anxiety free, which isn't happening, either.  Today I have some nice anxiety free times but it's ridiculous to expect I'm going to skate through unscathed.  I'm going to get scathed but good every now and then.

The Whirl

Comfort:  A state of ease and quiet enjoyment, free from worry, pain, etc.


Travel need not involve an epic journey; a simple visit to the bagel store at the end of the street can bring it on.  What it awakens is a latent, childlike, sense of wonder at the world around us.


Nevertheless, it is long journeys that bring out the possibilities of new experience most strongly, removing us from our familiar comforts and security, taking us into new situations, alone and vulnerable, our minds open to the world and its sensations, bringing about an enhanced sense of perception.  Such travel can also allow us to rediscover parts of our own selves that are normally obscured by the hum-drum routines of daily life.  Travel allows us to tap into parts of the self that are generally obscured by chatter and routine, and also to realize how subjective our certainties can be.


I carry a scrap of newsprint around with me that has these words.  I don't even remember any more where it came from.  I use it, of course, to justify my own feelings about the world, but that's OK.  I like to take chances on things and I like to bemoan my fate when the chances don't pan out as I have expected.  I'm impatient to see how things will work out.  I'm impatient to see the future.  I want to know I'm Doing It Right.


I once visited Venice, Italy.  It was my first trip out of the country and I was beyond nervous.  We walked out of the train station and into a painting.  The scene so took my breath away that I had to sit down on the steps that led into the city.  I think my knees buckled.  I had never seen anything like it.  Most of the trip was miserable because I was so afraid to be so out of my comfort zone but it awakened something powerful in me.  After that trip, I have rarely been afraid to give something a whirl.  


It's the whirl that's so much fun.

The Vortex

Vortex:  Any activity, situation, or state of affairs that resembles a whirl or eddy in its rush, absorbing effect, irresistible and catastrophic power, etc.


I've been marching through the first sections of our main text again.  I've been reading a page or so at night, but not more than this.  If I keep it to a page or less, then I find I pay attention to what I'm reading.  More than that I start to lose focus.  I can daydream when I'm reading, believe it or not, or I start to skim ahead when I'm on a familiar passage, thinking: "Yeah, yeah, I know this."  Like I know anything.


I am constantly amazed at how often our founders boil The Program down to "Find god, serve others."  I believe that this is the essence of all religions and spiritual pursuits, despite the billions of pages of instructions that man has written.  I think I could make a pretty good go of it down here if I could just remember those two thoughts.


I read lines like this: "We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped."  Then in the next paragraph: "Were we thinking of what we could do for others?"  Are you getting the point?  No?  Next paragraph, then: "We ask god to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives."  Is the implication here that there are motives that aren't self-seeking?  I mean, are you kidding me?  Are you %#!! kidding me?


On one of my recent hikes I was following a mountain river swollen with melting snow pack.  There were a few spots where whirlpools had formed.  I could see bits of river junk drift into the eddy, circling lazily at first, then getting sucked down into the vortex, where all was lost.  This is how I feel about my ego when I try to meditate.  I'm way down in the vortex, spinning wildly, trying to get out, to get into a position where I can let other people and maybe even god Gasp! in to my thought process.


I was going to use a toilet bowl vortex analogy but thought better of it.

Competitive Meditation

Meditate:  T think deeply and continuously; reflect; ponder; muse.


SuperK has been reading some meditation books lately.  "How To" kind of books with titles like "Meditation Made Easy" and "Three Steps to A Serene Soul."  I find this kind of funny when I think about it.  I'm used to reading books with titles like "How to Increase Your Self-Esteem and Personal Confidence, Be Supremely Happy, and Crush Bitterly Hated Business Rivals With Your Leather Jackboot, While Making a Fortune in the Red Hot Real Estate Market!"  It's weird to think about getting better at something which tells you it's OK to not be that good at something.


I'm OK -- You're a Loser.  There's a book I'd like to see published.


Anyway, she's giving me all of these great, helpful tips for improving my mediation life.  Actually, she's just sharing some things she read.  She's not trying to out-meditate me but it IS getting my competitive juices flowing.  I want to start out-meditating her.  I want to be the most humblest meditator out there.  I want to be in the Zone.  I want Enlightenment.


Great idea for a new business start up: Competitive Meditation.


Anyway, the best idea we have been kicking around is making sure we check our level of contentment frequently.  When I'm not content -- distressingly often -- I need to spend a little time making sure I know why.  Am I frustrated because I'm not getting something I want.  Am I afraid of losing something that I already have.


Several years ago, and after several years of constant bitching, my wife agreed to let me buy a used sports car.  I had always wanted a car like this, and I looked damn good in it, to the guys at least -- I don't think any women ever glanced my way when I was driving it.  Here's the funny part: it was a little touchy and temperamental and expensive to fix, which I had to do often because it was so touchy and temperamental.  After 5 years I sold it, and I was never so glad to be rid of something in my life.


Be careful what you pray for: you might get it.