I have been slowly and mindfully reading the stories portion of The Big Book again. When I was trying to get sober I was much more reassured by the stories than I was from the first 164 pages where the nuts and bolts of The Program are laid out in detail. That stuff was, by and large, over my head and beyond my ability to comprehend. As I read the stories I'm struck by the fact that although the details of the lives and drinking careers of the members vary tremendously - from gutter row drunks to titled aristocrats from England, men and women, oldsters and youngsters - there are threads that appear over and over. The one that is jumping out at me this time is the idea that we feel different, estranged from Earth People somehow. I share the fact that most of the time what alcohol did for me is that it made me feel normal. Especially at the end it was no longer fun but rather a coping mechanism. I felt like I was peering at the world through a cloudy, smoking piece of glass or that it was misting heavily or that a dense fog was swirling around me. Whatever toolbox or guidebook that was informing these Earth People was not included in my lexicon. I'd think: "What the fuck, that was a great idea! Why didn't I think of that?" They were moving around indistinctly.
One of my eternal conflicts with SuperK - not a conflict, really, but more of an ironic discussion - is that I draw a distinction between being weird and acting weird. As if that makes my behavior acceptable. She thinks that my drawing such a distinction is the definition of weird. I dunno anymore. I don't often fit in and I don't care. I don't like people as I've pointed out innumerable times so why would I try to behave in a way that enables me to slide right into whatever dull and shallow world that they live in?
It is so peaceful being who you're supposed to be.
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