Toltecs V A.A.

"I know I can cause real damage if I yield to temptation and give opinions and advice on another's medical, marital, or religious problems.  I can share how I came through similar situations without drinking, and how A.A.'s Steps and Traditions help me in dealing with my life."

The Daily Reflections

Never.  Give.  Advice.  Nobody wants to hear my advice.  Even on the odd occasion when someone asks for my advice they still don't want my advice.  They may think they want my advice, they may believe they want my advice but they don't really want my advice.

"People will often not act the way you want them to, or the way you think they should.  They will not always agree with your ideas or your beliefs."

Toltec Proverb

Uh, yeah, no shit, Sherlock.  I don't need any ancient Toltec wisdom to remind me that most people don't recognize my wisdom and my intelligence and my ability to deftly handle all of life's little ups and downs.  Most people think they're doing just fine without my input.

"Do I remember that I have a right to my opinion but that others don't have to share it?  Am I still trying to change others? Do I remember that my opinions are mine, and yours are yours?  Do I remember that my opinions come from my experience?"

The Daily Reflections

Great.  Now Alcoholics Anonymous is piling on, reminding me that I'm not the All Powerful Wizard.

"Avoiding all conflict is impossible, so when conflicts arise, your job is to look within, see what is true for you in the moment, and find a way to honor your own beliefs while simultaneouosly respecting the choices and beliefs of others."

Toltec Proverb.  Another one.  

Almost as irritating as the first one today.

Fear

"Do I remember that I have a right to my opinion but that others don't have to share it?  Do I remember that my opinions are mine, and yours are yours?  Do I remember that my opinions come from my experience?"

From the Daily Reflections

One time, long ago, when I was working with a man who ended up being a long-time sponsor, and this incident was early in our relationship, I shared about a situation where my family was driving me bonkers and when I was done I asked him what he thought I should do.  He laughed and said: "Oh, no, you don't.  I'm not going to tell you what to do because I don't want to get blamed if it doesn't work out the way you want it to."  I understood at that point the idea was for him to ask probing questions - often questions that made me consider a situation from a novel viewpoint, one I hadn't been considering - to share his experience of how he might have behaved in a similar situation and how that worked out for him, to remind me of the importance of talking to other people - a lot of other people - to get their take on the matter, to probe their experience, strength, and hope, and finally to use our reference literature to see if I could find any pertinent wisdom there, and then to make the best decision I could at the time.  If things worked out to my satisfaction - fine, I could take full credit - and if they didn't work out how I wanted them to - fine, I could take full credit.  In both cases - success and failure - I would have learned a lesson by taking responsibility for my own actions, something I was loathe to do when shit blew up in my face.

"Your mind's first reaction is often to make an assumption of someone's meaning through your projection of their intention.  Every time you fall into a trap and react instead of respond, ask yourself, What am I afraid of?  Once you know this, you can look deeper to find out where the fear comes from."

Man, I'll tell you . . . the wisdom that comes from understanding that most of my problems and conflicts come from a place of fear is so universal as to be almost universal.  It is a Truth, I think.  The above passage was from the Toltecs who thrived when Europe was mired in the Dark Ages.  Here's what Alcoholics Anonymous has to say about the matter:

"All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.  Self-centered fear is the chief activator of our defects.  Sometimes we think fear should be classed with stealing.  It seems to cause more trouble."

I like that last sentence.  We'd be better off being a thief than being consumed with our own self-centered fears.  Think about that: you can go to prison for stealing so Bill and Bob were really emphasizing how destructive our fears are.

Big Book Stories

I'm reading through the stories section of The Big Book, Third Edition.  I haven't read them from start to finish in a long time.  I think the stories are most helpful to newer people.  The text of the first 164 pages can be somewhat confusing and abstruse but all of us find a story or two or even three that we can really relate to, one where we say: "Wow.  That sounds like me.  That's what I did."  We identify and don't feel so separate.  And this is one of the themes that arises over and over - this sense of apartness, that we were standing off to the side, all by ourselves, while everyone else had some kind of game plan or playbook that they used to figure out the rules to go through the day.

Other themes:

Leave me alone. Get outta my face, I'm not bothering anyone but myself.

A vague sense that we weren't doing ourselves any good.

The relief when we found a group of people that felt like we did, that we weren't a unique freak of nature.

The relief when we understood that we aren't all there is, that Something was bigger than we were, and the immense relief this provided when we saw that we didn't have to run the world any more.

Today's Posting!!!

Am I expressing unconditional love for others today?  Even irritating people?  And, God, there are so MANY irritating people!  Respect comes through my expression of unconditional love.  You are just perfect the way you are.

If I'm coming from a place of awareness then the right words are going to come out of my mouth.  I will make the right decisions.  I'll say the right thing.  I'll take the right action.  I won't even understand why I'm making a decision and it will be the right one!

Remember!  I'm only in control of my own words and my own actions and not for how others perceive my words and my actions.  I only have control over myself.  I was in the hot tub this morning explaining the Hula Hoop theory of peaceful living to an Earth Person.  He nodded slowly.  "You guys came up with that?" he asked.  Yes!  We came up with everything!  This was not Hot Tub Guy by the way.  I avoid that dude like he's radioactive.   He's perfect just the way he is but he can be perfect elsewhere.

Sometimes exiting a situation and not returning to the situation is the best option to avoid further conflict.  He may be perfect just the way he is but I'm sure not perfect and he irritates the hell out of me!  He's irritating as hell!!

If I respect everyone then I have a gambler's chance of coming from a place of unconditional love.  Hot Tub Guy. on the other hand, has no respect where I'm concerned so he is doubling down and really trying to subjugate me to his will.  I will not be subjugated!  I will stand tall and take long strides into the future!  Get outta my way, Hot Tub Guy!

Engaging further with Hot Tub Guy is not going to be helpful to either of us.

I should seek to love rather than be loved.

40,000,000,000

For some unexplained reason this knowledge that it's all going to go - all of it, including me, especially me - has been richocheting around the inside of my head like a deranged marble.  Maybe it's because that everything I read in the spiritual realm reminds me that there is no time like the present.  If I'm not in the present I got nuthin'.  The past is gone, the future is uncertain and may not ever come, so I better squat right where I am.  Again, I stress that I find this funny and not at all depressing.  It's sure helping me keep some balance as I maneuver my way through the vagaries of life.  What am I getting upset about?  What am I not doing that I think I should be doing and why do I give a shit?  As a childless human my legacy on this earth will be astonishingly short.  Do I think my name and reputation is going to be bandied about a year after I'm gone?  Five years?  Twenty years?  Do I think someone is going to bring up my name twenty years after I graduate to the Big Meeting in the Sky?  Ridiculous.  Preposterous.  Outrageous.

I asked ChatGPT how many people have lived since the year 1 A.D.  I was amused to see that I really taxed its abilities.  It did, however, come up with a guess-timate of 40 billion people.  That's 40,000,000,000 people.  I am a grain a sand on the beach.  I am a fragment of a grain a sand on the beach.  The fact that I'm consumed with my circumstances is hilarous.  It is hysterical, uproarious, ludicrous.  

Right here.

Right now.

Passing It On

"The only thing that matters is that he is an alcoholic who has found a key to sobriety.  These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other.  This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.'s all around the globe."  12 & 12.

I've read the Books many, many times yet every now and then I'll come across something that I can't recall ever seeing before . . . .  

Another Fact of Existence is that things come and go.  Sometimes they go a little bit; sometimes they go and then come back; and sometimes they go forever.  To this day I have a tendency to hang on to the things I like, forgetting that all things are going to go eventually and seeing them off with a cheerful wave.  Change is constant.  The universe tends toward disorder.  I try to remain present so that I can take note of what is.

I'm planning to go to Antarctica.  For a guy who loathes cold weather this is a perplexing choice.  All I can say is that the beauty of our planet continues to astound me.  I also know that experiences that make me uncomfortable are great teachers.  I remember the uncomfortable experiences, the challenging experiences, in three-dimensional technicolor.

The Toltecs On A Sunday

"You are sure to encounter many situation that have the potential to hook your attention and knock you off-balance."

 

"When you  are faced with an important decision and you are unsure of which course of action to take, one thing that can help you is to focus on how you feel about the options presented instead of being consumed with the stories your narrators are spouting.  This is called 'listening with your heart instead of your head.' "

Yeah, I've never heard this before.  I can't always trust my head because my head is trying to play defense, to drive me to get more! more! more! but my heart is a gentle and kind soul.  It does not lead me astray very often.

"Anytime you feel a burst of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, or any number of other negative emotions, that's your cue to look within and see what is happening.  Whether your tendency is to be consumed with anger and rage or to sulk silently in the corner, the underlying cause of all of these emotional reactions is always fear . . . "

Isn't this right out of the Big Book?  It's fear.  It's always fear.  I can turn my fear outward in anger or I can turn my fear inward in depression but it still always comes back to fear.

"You are stuck, unable to move forward, until you look more deeply at whatever the emotion is trying to tell you."

I see in new people - and remember, after the fact, regrettably - how difficult it can be to dislodge the thought patterns that are lodged so deeply in our subconscious.  I spent years and years feeding and nuturing these thought patterns that, even when I began to see they were injurious, it was hard to rid myself of them.  Even though I was becoming aware that my reactions were not helpful, I still would respond in anger or depression anytime something set off one of these hidden and deeply entrenched characteristics.

"But there will always be those moments when you can't walk away, when you just have to deal with the person or situation at hand right then.  You can stay balanced much more easily if you find out why this person has the ability to provoke a reaction in you.  This is a very special gift they are offering you, and freedom awaits as soon as you can find out why that is.  The reason this person bothers you is based on a past experience rather than the current situation."

Balance:  Mental and emotional steadiness; habit of calm behavior, judgement, etc.; composure.

I've looked up the definition of balance so many times and I still can't always get my mind around the concept.  To be in the middle of.  To stay away from the ends of things where I so often tend to go.  Not too hot.  Not too cold.  Just right.  Not too hard.  Not too soft.  Just right.  I've pondered deeply the lesson that a great lesson is to ponder deeply why things that upset me upset me.  I find much of the time that I am not reacting to the person or the situation but to some facet of my personality that was installed in me long ago and which I have nurtured and fertilized for so long that it just doesn't want to come out.  I know that when SuperK is mad at me it's often because I'm exhibiting a behavior from someone vexatious in her past - often from the family relationships - that devalued and humiliated her.  If I can keep my  fucking mouth shut and say to myself: "Aha!  That was exactly something her alcoholic father said to her when she was a young girl."  And isn't the reminder that when I find a person vexatious I need to remember that I'm being given the opportunity to grow, to learn a lesson?  So annoying these opportunities to grow.  AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.

My Hidden Engine

From the story entitled "Growing Up All Over Again" in the Big Book . . . 

"No one could live such an irresponsible, immature life as I had without consequences."  

I had to learn that actions have consequences.  It was an irritating lesson.  I make it a point to share the part of my story that details how my life continued to get worse for a while after I quit drinking.  I had spent many years planting explosives in hidden areas of my life and the fact that - sans alcohol - that I wasn't planting any new explosives was no help when I triggered an old explosive.  I had to become a sapper and clean out the old bombs before my life began an upward trajectory.

"Admitting that I am wrong or that I do not know is difficult for me."

SuperK often points out that I never admit that I'm wrong.  I often defend myself by saying that if I ever find myself in a situation where I am - in fact - wrong - I'll be the first to admit it.  This goes over about as well as you can imagine.  For most normal people this would be a clue to stop saying what I'm saying but my abnormality is well-established at this point.

When I was selling process control instrumentation to process control engineers - people who had four year college degrees in process control engineering - I tried to hide the fact that I've never seen the engine in my car and I am not making this up.  It's in the middle of the car.  I know it's there because the car goes places after I turn it on and it makes a lot of noise when I accelerate but it's under a cowling of some kind that I'm afraid to remove because there's nothing in there that I need to see, really, and one of my fundamental rules of life is Don't Take Something Apart that You Might Not Know How to Put Back Together, a rule that has served me well.  I'm afraid to walk into Lowe's or Home Depot because I think a security guard would corner me and say something like: "I'm sorry, sir, but we're going to have to ask you to leave the premises."  It's clear to everyone that I have no idea what most of the stuff in there is used for.  What?  Do I look like I'm shopping for a router?  I look like a potential lawsuit.  "Clueless man hurt trying to turn off the router he mistakenly turned on."

Where was I . . . . ? My tendency when I was newly sober was to try to hide my ignorance if I was asked a question that I could not answer.  I avoided lying as much as possible but I noticed I would remain silent or direct the conversation elsewhere.  Then I discovered this simple but magical line: "I don't know but I can find out for you."  The response to this statement was almost always magical as well.  People were very happy to be talking to someone who admitted that he didn't know the answer to something.  A few times there was some manifest frustration but I would just say: "If you have a minute I can call our engineering department and get the answer for you right now."  That usually shut them the fuck up.  Seriously, though, nobody knows everything and everybody loathes those of us who pretend that we do and then proceed to make some situation worse.  It is important to note that when I learned something new I tried to . . . you know . . . remember it so that as my career progressed I was stumped with less regularity.  That, at least, accrues to my credit.

Transient Seaweed

Transient:  Lasting only for a short time; impermanent.

During my recent trip back to the Midwest where I saw old high school friends and old friends from my time in Alcoholics Anonymous one of the more profound realizations/reminders that I saw was that life really is transitory.  So much has changed in the ten short years since I've been back.  And as I grow older I can see that there is an endpoint to all of this nonsense.  And I say this cheerfully.  That nothing is forever, that it all comes and goes, that I'm here right now but not forever.  This has not been depressing at all.  It has been . . .  calming in a way, reassuring, grounding.  So some guy doesn't use his turn signal in front of me and I'm going to lose my shit?  Really?  Seriously?  I'm going to be dead sooner rather than later and I'm going to seethe over some perceived slight which is probably just a mistake?

Shallow and Fairly Obvious Advice

I'm still interacting with this new guy, the one who asked me to be his sponsor.  Always suspicious of new guys so my technique is to immediately assign a writing task which very people do and he proved no exception.  I say this in a bemused fashion, not meaning to be critical.  I did not understand the concept of "work" when I was getting sober; as in, "work The Steps."  I wanted results that were clearly going to require work without actually doing any work.  As you may recall I consider myself a taker and not a giver.  Anyway, I am in contact with this guy in a way that he seems to feel is helpful and I seem to feel is low-intensity bullshit but . . . hey . . . help is what someone wants and not what I want to give.

As I have been passing along my shallow and fairly obvious wisdom I continue to be struck by the realization that sometimes we just have to make a decision even if that fucking intuitive thought doesn't present itself.  Sometimes I have to just walk into the dark and trust that everything is going to be okay.

Those Goddam Toltecs Again

Some things I've found interesting in my perusal of the ins and outs of the spirituality practiced by the Toltecs . . . 

The word "resentment" is French in origin and it literally means "to feel again."  There are so many great analogies tossed around in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous but one I really like is that a resentment is like taking poison and hoping that your enemy?  opponent?  average person who is pissing you off for the most trivial and stupid reasons? dies.

And the Toltec aphorism in slightly different words: "This is what resentment is: self-inflicted suffering with emotional poison we wish for another."  I think about the many low-level discussions I've had in my mind with Hot Tub Guy who - and I can guarantee the accuracy of the following statement - has never once, not ever, thought about me for one minute.  I'm taking the poison.  I'm the idiot taking the poison even though he's the real idiot.

"You also need to forgive yourself - you were doing the best you could at the time; there is no need to beat yourself up."  I like to apply this principle to people who have had a significant effect on my life.  I take great comfort in migrating from the idea that my parents didn't give me what I needed to the one that they were doing the best they could with the tools that they had and while - I may add - dealing with a nightmare of a difficult, depressed, defiant teenager.  In that light they did a pretty good goddam job.

"Don't subjugate yourself with 'I have to.' "  Man, the time I spend criticizing what I have left undone would fill up the Panama Canal.  It's never enough with me.  Never.  Enough.

"Nothing anyone does is because of you.  It's never personal, even if someone intends it to be so, as you are simply standing in the target zone."  Or in A.A. speak: No one is thinking about me.  I spend all day thinking about myself and not one goddam minute thinking about you yet I continue to live in the fantasy that everyone else is always thinking about me.  Goddam I'm an idiot.

"If you have clouded your Personal Dream with resentment, the first step to changing this is to become aware of it."  How much of my life was spent pre-recovery seething at all the slights and sins and arrows and darts shot my way while protesting that nothing was bothering me.  

EVERYTHING was bothering me!  You're bothering me right now!  Stop what you're doing IMMEDIATELY and quit bothering me!

The Nature of Existence

I've been talking to a new guy who is making his way through a whole pile of whoop-ass chaos.  It is unnecessary to say that much of it is of his own doing.  Some of it is acute and can be traced directly to an action he has taken or to one that was left undone.  And some of it is the result of the slow, diseased, malignant creep of a life geared totally to self-interest.  When I'm doing what I want and thinking about myself constantly the result is a slow drip, drip, drip that degrades my relationships and whittles away at my soul.

The decision that was immediate required him to choose between staying in SoCal or leaving for a while? for good? to return to the Midwest and care for his elderly parents.  I, of course, have no idea what he should do and I made this clear to him.  What I can say is that much of the time when I sit quietly with a decision, talk to some people, do some reading and writing, then the answer slowly materializes out of the miasma and murk that constitutes my thinking.  But sometimes not.  Sometimes the choice is not, in fact, clear.  I told my friend that this may be one of those cases where he is just going to have to make a decision and then wait for events to play out before he knows if it was helpful to himself and to others.  Because he has done all of the necessary legwork to prepare for the decision then he is going to make the "right" one.  It may not be helpful.  It may be painful.  It may backfire and blow up in his fucking face.  We don't get to perceive the future with perfect clarity.

I really love the concept of the Nature of Existence.  It helps me to relax when I grapple with the fact of pain and suffering and the unknown.  This is how things are.  This is how the universe operates.  Why?  Beats the hell outta me.

What I Say and What You Hear

So I have to ask myself all the time if my love and acceptance of the person in front of me is somehow contingent upon them agreeing with me or doing what I want them to do.  I have a tendency to subujate others so that I can establish my vision of peace and harmony.  I have a tendency to think that my way is the right way so why would you do it any differently?  This is absurd.  I cannot expect anyone else to do something that is against their will?

"What really matters is my intention.  When I come from a place of unconditional love, I can have the confidence that whatever action I take is the right one, and the outcome of any situation is beyond my control.  I do the best I can and I release my attachment to the outcome. and that's all the space I control.  Your opinion of me is none of my business.

"I am responsible for what I say, but I am not responsible for what you hear."

Toltec Proverb

Each morning I pray that I be shown how I can be of service to someone else.  I pray that I seek to love rather than be loved; comfort rather than be comforted; and understand rather than be understood.

"What really matters is my intention.  When I come from a place of unconditional love, I can have the confidence that whatever action I take is the right one, and the outcome of any situation is beyond my control.  I do the best I can and I release my attachment to the outcome."

Michael Ruiz

Different But the Same

I have been slowly and mindfully reading the stories portion of The Big Book again.  When I was trying to get sober I was much more reassured by the stories than I was from the first 164 pages where the nuts and bolts of The Program are laid out  in detail.  That stuff was, by and large, over my head and beyond my ability to comprehend.  As I read the stories I'm struck by the fact that although the details of the lives and drinking careers of the members vary tremendously - from gutter row drunks to titled aristocrats from England, men and women, oldsters and youngsters - there are threads that appear over and over.  The one that is jumping out at me this time is the idea that we feel different, estranged from Earth People somehow.  I share the fact that most of the time what alcohol did for me is that it made me feel normal. Especially at the end it was no longer fun but rather a coping mechanism.  I felt like I was peering at the world through a cloudy, smoking piece of glass or that it was misting heavily or that a dense fog was swirling around me.  Whatever toolbox or guidebook that was informing these Earth People was not included in my lexicon.  I'd think: "What the fuck, that was a great idea!  Why didn't I think of that?"  They were moving around indistinctly.

One of my eternal conflicts with SuperK - not a conflict, really, but more of an ironic discussion - is that I draw a distinction between being weird and acting weird.  As if that makes my behavior acceptable.  She thinks that my drawing such a distinction is the definition of weird.  I dunno anymore.  I don't often fit in and I don't care.  I don't like people as I've pointed out innumerable times so why would I try to behave in a way that enables me to slide right into whatever dull and shallow world that they live in?

It is so peaceful being who you're supposed to be.

That Damn Tenth Step Again

"Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.  When these crop  up, we ask God at once to remove them.  We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.  Then we resolutely turn our thoughts  to someone we can help."

"When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to  be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot."

"Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint."   

"And when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is  something wrong with us."

As this is the Tenth Month our Daily Reflections collection is basing the readings on our Tenth Step: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." 

 

I definitely like the reminder that we "continue" to take personal inventory.  Most of us are so relieved and full of our selves about the progress we're making that after we complete our Fourth and Fifth Steps we think there's nothing left to do.  Not so fast, buster.

 

I like the reminder that this is a "personal" inventory.  We have quit inspecting and correcting the defects of others, no matter how glaring and obvious they are.  The phrasing is definitely not "continue to take your inventory," no matter how delicious a prospect that is.

I like that the Step says "when" we were wrong.  It definitely does not say "if" we are wrong.  It assures us that we have been wrong, we will be wrong, and we're probably doing something wrong right now.

I like that we're asked to be "prompt" in our admission of our faults.  Now.  Not later

Lying Liars Return

The most efficient way for me to let people get inside my head and bang around in there is for me to give them permission to do so.  I try to avoid the trap of letting other people's opinions of me - good or bad, right or wrong, true or false - define who I am.  I guard against mislabeling these opinions as facts.  This is particularly troublesome when I was young and some older person, some person in authority with control over parts of my life, repeats the same warnings or criticisms over and over, in a stern and serious voice.

"There is nothing so absurd that if you repeat it often enough, people will believe it."

William James

I hold myself responsible only for the clarity and truth and integrity of what I say and not for what others hear and feel because I don't control the perceptions of others.  I have to remember that beliefs don't exist out there in the world; they exist only in my own mind and only as long as I continue to believe them.  Damn, though, some of them are really firmly lodged in there.  They have become part of my identity and sometimes I'm not ready to let them go.  I think of my studied intolerance of other people - which must feed some twisted and warped sense of superiority - and my perfectionism - which drives me to unrealistic expectations of myself and can lead me to always feel that what I've done or accomplished is not enough.

"If you repeat a lie often enough, people will come to believe it, and you will come to believe it yourself."

Joseph Goebbels

Liar!

One of the meeting riffs yesterday was about lying.  There are so many great quotes and quips about lying.  One of my favorites, oft-repeated, is from my hero Homer Simpson: "I HATE being called a liar unless I've just told a lie or I'm about to tell a lie or I'm currently lying."

A new one that came up was "If you tell the truth then you never have to remember what you've said."  Brilliant!  One of my favorite schticks, oft-repeated, is that I have no real moral objection to lying: I'm a naturally good liar, I have many years of practice in the art of lying, and it can get me out of and through a lot of sticky situations.  The reason I no longer lie . . . or try not to lie so much . . . is that I hate getting caught in a lie.  Very embarrassing!  Plus, lying is truly exhausting.  When I was drinking I had the Main Lie and then I had to construct this elaborate structure of supporting, side lies to bolster the effectiveness of the Main Lie.  I told so many lies for so long that I became confused as to what was true and what was illusion.  It was exhausting!  And one of my favorite and most insidious traps is to remember that I'm not telling the truth just because I choose my words carefully so that - while I technically don't say any lying words - the person to whom I'm lying believes something that isn't true.  Liar!

In the funny way that meetings work the nice woman who lead the meeting and brought up the topic did not, I believe, mean for this to be what the members were going to focus on.  It was probably something she needed to hear.

Let me conclude with a perspicacious quote from another one of my heroes, the Master Liar George Costanza:  "Remember.  It's not a lie if you believe it."

The Magic of Giving

One of my favorite phrases from the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous is "The gift of desperation."  How great is that concept?  It reminds me that I can and must and often find the greatest gifts in my life have come from some of the darkest places.  It reminds me that if I'm always pursuing pleasure and running to escape pain then I'm going to miss a lot of important stuff.

From one of the Big Book stories: "I wish I could tell you  how and why A.A. works, but I don't know.  I only know that it does.  I think that no one comes to A.A. until he's tried everything else.  I lived a life where I couldn't enjoy anything.  I was scared to death.  And as long as alcohol eased situations socially, it helped just fine, but somewhere along the line it backfired."

Backfire is a great word.  It's when an internal combustion engine undergoes a mistimed explosion in the cylinder or exhaust.  A "mistimed explosion."  If I ever write a story for the Big Book I'm going to title it "A Mistimed Explosion."  Today, of course, it has come to mean when a plan or action rebounds adversely on the originator, having the opposite effect of what was intended.  Maybe I could write a second story and call it "Adversely Rebounding Actions."

Yesterday at my coffee shop I asked the youngster behind me what she was planning to order.  I do this to ensure that the patron isn't going to get some huge, overpriced specialty coffee drink that is going to set me back $28.99.  She was pleased and a little embarrassed (and did not refuse the offer which always kind of irritates me because I'd rather hoard my cash to fund my own huge, overpriced specialty coffee drinks) and scuttled off to the area reserved for people waiting for their drinks.  A bit later she came over and told me she was from Turkey and her face lit up when I told her that SuperK and I had recently visited Turkey and absolutely loved it.  She scuttled away and I went outside to hand my wife the hugely expensive slice of coffee cake I had purchased, hoping she wouldn't eat any of it while being pretty sure she would claim her half.  I always have to fight back the urge to stuff the whole thing in my mouth - eating all of it myself because I love coffee cake! - but the crumbs clinging to my lips would give me away.   When I strolled back into  the shop little Miss Turkey came over, asked if I had any dietary restrictions, then opened a container she was carrying, revealing a Turkish specialty treat she had made to share with her fellow employees at the clothing shop where she works, and told me to dig one out.  I pointed out SuperK and told her to head out to our table.  She called SuperK "Krees" which tickled my spouse no end.  She told us where she worked and we said we were going to stop by later for lunch and she said "great" (I often forget that in many cultures the sharing of food is paramount and an example of hospitality) and the whole thing was just magical.  It reminds me that the magic is in the little things.  It reminds me I fall short when I try to inflate myself in the eyes of the world.  

It was the highlight of my day and nothing else was even close.

Toltec V A.A. - You Make the Call!

"Unconditional love is recognizing the divinity in every human being we meet, regardless of his or her role in life or agreement with our particular way of thinking."  Toltec Proverb

Or in A.A. speak: "God, I pray that I seek to love rather than be loved; to understand rather than be understood; and to comfort rather than to be comforted."

It's all the same stuff.  The Toltecs flourished in Central Mexico around 1000 A.D., preceding the Aztecs.  Alcoholics Anonymous . . . well . . .  we're not quite that old but we're still flourishing.

"Every form of attachment starts with 'If this happens, then I will be happy and feel love' and 'If this does not happen, then I will suffer."  Toltec Proverb

"Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems.  We fled from them as from a plague.  We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering."  Step Seven in the 12 & 12.

I like how we try to differentiate between pain - which is inevitable - and suffering - which occurs when we try to get away from pain . . . which we absolutely cannot do all of the time.  Trust me - it has been tried and it cannot be done.  It's a part of existence whether we like it or not.

"Consequently the moment you start trying to control others is the same moment you place conditions on your love and acceptance of them.  We will look at the practice of having unconditional love for ourselves first and foremost, as you cannot give to others when you don't have for yourself."  Toltec Wisdom

"Either we tried to play God and dominate those about us, or we had insisted in being overdependent on them."  Step Twelve in the 12 & 12

If you're bored try this: look up the word "control" in the Alcoholics Anonymous literature.  It's in there a lot.  A lot.  "He has lost control."  "We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control."  "As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant."  (I like this - acute and constant suffering.  Boy, that brings me back to the Dark Times.)  "The idea that somehow, someday, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker."  (I like the phrase "abnormal drinker."  I like the reference to an obsession - a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea.)

You Can't Go Home Again

I'm just back from a longer than normal visit to my childhood home town and one where I spent most of the first twenty years of my sobriety.  I've been gone for fifteen years which is not that long unless you're in your late sixties; a time when people start . . . you know . . . dying off or moving away or no longer attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and I mean that last part in a positive way - men and women who have been sober a long time and are getting older don't have the need or - frankly - the energy to make it to as many meetings as they used to.  And A.A. is a fluid society.  The make-up and composition of meetings changes often.  If you go back to a meeting you attended years ago don't be surprised if you don't see many people that you knew back then and don't be stunned if you don't recognize anyone or even if you recognize someone and they don't recognize you.  One guy I know had throat cancer and was indecipherable trying to talk through a trach tube and another was gasping for air courtesy of COPD.  This is how it goes.   This is the nature of things.  We're all just passing through and the length of the trip is not certain.  I include in my morning gratitude list thanks for good health.  It's a big get.

The purpose of the trip was ostensibly to attend a ceremony for an old high school friend who was being recognized for a long history of community service.  And it was the fiftieth anniversary of my high school reunion which is pretty cool and honestly a little terrifying.  My class was small  - fifty souls - and fifteen showed up and ten are dead so that's a fifty percent engagement which is pretty good, if you think about it.  There were some amazing personal interactions, some unexpected, with both my A.A. community and my high school class.  I heard a few anecdotes about me that I barely remembered from people I barely remember talking to.  There were some surprisingly powerful encounters, people glad to see me and vice versa, and not always for reasons that were clear to me.  It made me think about the fact that how we affect people can be opaque in the moment, only clear with the  passing of time.  One A.A. guy was at the point of tears, hugging me more than once.  Had no idea this was going to be a thing.  Did not remember any personal interactions with him but something I did or said, some way that I carried myself must have made an impression.  A high school friend pulled me aside and told me that he didn't have that many close friends but that I was one of them.  He was emotional saying this.  Another guy that I barely knew in high school said: "Man, I saw Seaweed was here.  I gotta go talk to Seaweed."  Would not have predicted that.  At.  All.

The city itself had changed quite a bit and I have no idea why this was so unexpected.  Buildings have sprung up or been torn down, retail areas I used to frequent have undergone a complet transition, traffic is worser and worser and the sprawl of a big Midwestern town continues apace.  People were very nice but in a different way than here in Southern California - more friendly in the moment but also a lot more guarded, more reserved.  It's easy to fit in quickly here because so many people are transplants but then that sense of place and time is harder to find.  It was the first trip were I felt like a visitor instead of a local who has been gone for a little while.  It didn't feel like "home" although it's the place I'll always call home.  "I'm going home," I told people prior to my flight.