38

"It would be wonderful were I able to tell you that my confidence in God and my application of the Twelve Steps to my daily living have utterly banished fear.  But this would not be the truth.  The most accurate answer I can give you is this: Fear has never again ruled my life.  Never have I dodged anything because I was afraid of it.  I have faced life instead of running away from it.

Some of the things which used to stop me in my tracks from fear still make me nervous in the anticipation of their doing, but once I kick myself into doing them nervousness disappears and I enjoy myself.  In recent years I have had the happy combination of time and money to travel occasionally.  I am very apt to get into quite an uproar for a day or two before starting, but I do start, and once started, I have a good time."

Thirty-eight years of sobriety today.  I have to shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of that figure.  I had NO IDEA what kind of blessings that were going to rain down on my bashed and bleeding head.  No clue.  The things I have today that are the most important to me were not high value targets when I was drinking.  I did not see why they would be part and parcel of a contented life.  My goals revolved around money, power, and sex, and not on true friendship and an assured spiritual foundation.

In my case it took me about ten years of steady application of the principles of a sober, spiritual, ethical life before this kind of deep gratitude really got into my bones.  I was more and more contented, less and less angry and depressed, living a much happier life those first ten years, but it took me a long time to really get it.