Line 'Em Up

 I found this comparison chart interesting in how it compares some different aspects of different religions and spiritual movements (sorry that it doesn't translate too cleanly to the blog format).

Aspect	Aztec Religion	Aboriginal Spirituality	Zulu Religion	Siberian Shamanism	Hasidic Judaism	Buddhism	Babylonian Religion	Christianity
Type of Belief	Polytheistic; gods tied to nature, war, and creation	Animistic; spirits in land & Dreaming ancestors	Monotheistic creator (distant) + ancestor worship	Animistic; spirits everywhere; shamanic mediation	Strict monotheism (Judaism)	Non-theistic; focus on enlightenment	Polytheistic; gods tied to nature and celestial bodies	Monotheistic; belief in Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit)
Supreme Being(s)	Huitzilopochtli, Quetzalcoatl, Tlaloc	No single god; Ancestral Beings guide world	uNkulunkulu (creator), distant	Sky Father, Mother Earth, spirit beings	God (Hashem)	No creator god; Buddha is teacher	Marduk, Ishtar, Ea, Tiamat	God (Trinity)
View of Ancestors	Honored; some deified	Ancestors present in Dreaming	Central; guide and protect	Ancestors assist shamans	Honored; righteous teachers revered	No ancestor worship	Minimal; humans serve gods	Honored but secondary to God; saints venerated in some traditions
Creation Beliefs	Five Suns myth; cyclical creation/destruction	Dreaming stories; ancestors shaped land	Creator made humans, then withdrew	Creation from world tree or cosmic egg	God created world ex nihilo	Universe is cyclical; focus on liberation	Creation from primordial chaos; humans from gods’ blood	God created universe; Jesus as agent of creation
Connection to Nature	Strong; gods tied to natural forces	Very strong; land is sacred, songlines map spirituality	Strong; nature spirits and sacred sites	Very strong; all nature alive with spirits	Nature respected but not divine	Nature impermanent, respected	Nature governed by gods	God’s creation; humans steward creation
Key Rituals	Human sacrifice, festivals, temple worship	Storytelling, dance, initiation ceremonies	Sacrifices, ancestor rituals	Trance journeys, spirit offerings, healing	Prayer, Torah study, blessings, mysticism	Meditation, chanting, mindfulness	Temple offerings, divination, magic	Prayer, sacraments (baptism, communion), worship services
Religious Leaders	Priests	Elders, custodians of Dreaming	Sangomas, inyangas	Shamans	Rabbis, Rebbes	Monks, nuns, teachers	Priests, diviners	Priests, pastors, ministers, clergy
Afterlife Beliefs	Fate based on manner of death; multiple realms	Spirit returns to Dreaming; cyclical	Join ancestors; continue influence	Souls travel to spirit world	Heaven, resurrection, messianic era	Rebirth cycle until nirvana	Shadowy underworld (Irkalla)	Heaven for believers; hell for separation from God; resurrection of dead
Sacred Texts	Codices (mostly destroyed)	Oral tradition, art, songlines	Oral tradition	Oral tradition, shamanic lore	Torah, Talmud, mystical texts	Sutras, Vinaya, Abhidharma	Tablets, hymns, epic texts	Bible (Old + New Testament)
Key Goal	Maintain cosmic balance	Live in harmony with land & ancestors	Honor ancestors, stay in spiritual balance	Balance spirits, heal, protect community	Cleave to God, follow Torah	End suffering; achieve enlightenment	Serve gods, maintain cosmic order	Salvation, eternal life with God; live according to Jesus’ teachings
Time Concept	Cyclical eras (Five Suns)	Dreaming is timeless, ever-present	Linear life, ongoing ancestor presence	Cyclical, spirit journeys	Linear history with messianic hope	Cyclical rebirth until liberation	Linear and cosmic cycles	Linear history with creation, fall, redemption, Second Coming

From A to Z

Aztec - The Aztec religion was deeply spiritual, highly ritualistic, and closely tied to their understanding of nature, time, and society.  The Aztecs worshiped many gods, each linked to aspects of life and nature.

Australian aborigines - Australian Aboriginal religious beliefs are some of the world’s oldest continuous spiritual traditions, deeply connected to the land, ancestors, and community.  They are not a single, unified religion but a collection of spiritual traditions across hundreds of Aboriginal nations, each with its own stories and practices.

Zulus - Zulu religious beliefs are deeply rooted in ancestor worship, a strong connection to nature, and a belief in a creator god.

Siberian Shamans - Siberian shamanic beliefs are some of the oldest spiritual traditions in the world, deeply tied to nature, spirits, and the role of the shaman as a healer and mediator between worlds. 

Hasidisim - Hasidic Judaism is a mystical and highly traditional branch of Orthodox Judaism that began in the 18th century in Eastern Europe.  It emphasizes a deep, joyful, and emotional connection to God, spirituality in everyday life, and devotion to a spiritual leader called a Rebbe.

Buddhist - Not centered on a creator god; instead, it focuses on personal spiritual development and liberation from suffering.  Emphasizes ethical living, meditation, and wisdom.

Christianity - Okay, we're all pretty clear on this one, I think.  

I dunno, I was musing about religion and spirituality so I decided to look up some Fun Facts to Know and Tell about religions.  I'm always struck by how common a reverence for the natural world is in spiritual beliefs.  And a reverence for those who have come before us.  Living a good life, a wise life, a slow life is always mentioned.  God or god or gods not so much and when they're present there are often a whole shit-ton of 'em and rarely does the idea come across that you HAVE to believe in this or that god and that if you don't bad shit is going to happen. 

Who Am I Helping, Exactly?

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now.  The dark past is the key to life and happiness for others."

The Family Afterward P. 124.

I have been talking to a new guy who asked me to be his sponsor.  I think.  I'm really not sure.  And I really don't care.  He's not doing anything I suggest and he's not asking me what he should do.  That kind of covers everything.  New people do what they want, by and large.  He danced around the periphery of Alcoholics Anonymous for a while until a DUI catapulted him back into The Rooms.  He's dealing with that.  His parents are aging poorly and he wonders if he should move back to Illinois to help out.  His music career - his great love and very satisfying - doesn't pay the bills.  His "real" career in the movie industry has stagnated.  I'll tell you I started getting nervous pondering all of these big things he's facing.

My advice is woefully simple.  I can never seem to come up with a big, complicated, comprehensive, airtight plan.   A five year old could do better.  A hyperactive five year old suffering from ADHD could do better.  Eat right.  No drugs or alcohol.  Get some exercise.  Get enough sleep.  Don't spend all of your time alone (this from someone who hates people so that's saying something).  Take some time to pray and meditate . . . and do it outside, in nature.  Make a list of all the things you need to do - a written list so you can see the things - and then do the first thing on the list to the best of your ability, trying to complete it but moving on to the second thing if you've done all you can do, realizing that just because you want to get something done doesn't mean it's going to happen in your time frame.  Go to some meetings.  I mean . . . Christ on a Stick . . . this is not profound stuff.  This is Living Skills 101.

Staying out of the future and not relitigating the past is big stuff.  Be present.

Myths

Myth:  A widely held but false belief or idea; a traditional story involving some natural or social phenomenon, and typically involving supernatural beings or events.

Here are some myths in Western society according to Jack Kornfield:

The myth of materialism and possessiveness that says worldly goods lead to happiness.  Stuff!  It's just stuff!  And once our basic needs are comfortably met stuff can cause as much trouble as no stuff.  I shake my head in wonder at billionaires who bitch because their tax burden is so high.

The myth of achievement and success that says position and stature leads to happiness.  It's nice to achieve and be recognized but when is enough enough?

The myth of youth that says we will not be happy when we are no longer young.  As demonstrably false a myth as exists in our culture.  Study after study reveals that people are happier as they get older, despite the increasing loss of physical function, the loss of friends and family,  a peaceful acceptance begins to manifest itself.  Yet, we live in a culture that promises eternal adolescence is the answer to all our woes.

The myth that individualism and competition leads to happiness.  It leads to isolation and loneliness. Be yourself, certainly, but look around and see that you're just one small cog in a very large and complex machine.

Fear of Fear

"If we were invited to a formal party and I knew they were only going to have one or two drinks, I wouldn't have any."  

Big Book, "Fear of Fear"

Boy, does that statement ring true for me.  I wasn't drinking to relax a little or be social - I was drinking to get fucked up so if I couldn't accomplish that I was not going to drink.  And, by the way, I was going to make sure that everyone knew I was pissed that I wasn't going to be able to drink as much as I wanted to.  My capacity for passive aggressive irritation is boundless.

"It's surprising, how we think we fool everybody in our drinking."

Big Book, "Fear of Fear"

When I was making my formal amends or even just letting people know I was no longer drinking, that I had a problem with alcohol, nobody - not one person - argued the point with me.  Many people expressed relief that I was finally doing something about my drinking.  Not only was I not fooling most people I was not fooling anybody.  Nobody said: "What!?  You think you have a drinking problem?  No way, man."

"Beware any activity that requires the purchase of new clothes."

Henry David Thoreau

Seaweed The Bully

Bully:  A person who uses strength, power, or intimidation to abuse, harass or coerce others, especially those who are weaker or more vulnerable; a bully is typically mean and predatory, often targeting people perceived as unlikely to defend themselves, a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate people they perceive as vulnerable.

I was called a bully after the meeting this morning!  By a friend!  I brushed it off at the time but when I told SuperK about it later she was outraged.  After looking up the definition I can see why.  It's a descriptor that carries a lot of weight.  I know my friend was trying to be funny, flip, edgy, but it missed the mark by a wide margin.  It's kind of like calling someone a liar.  It's hard to be funny when you're calling someone a liar irregardless of your intent.  I can call myself a liar but if you do it it's best to have caught me lying or about to lie or having just finished telling a lie.  There's a lot of weight and momentum behind the term.  

There is a backstory.  This is the married man who spends a lot of time socializing with single women.  Attractive single women.  Single women who are younger than he is or a lot younger than he is.  Often young, attractive, single women who are new to recovery.  He does this with the knowledge of his wife - which is problematic on a whole different plane, suggesting some flaws in his marriage - and it's something he brings up nearly every single time we talk at length, which indicates to me that he knows he's behaving poorly or he doesn't know that he is but suspects so on a subconscious level.  He does not talk about socializing with his wife.

While he's still my friend this topic has ended.  I will not discuss this topic with him henceforth and forever more.  I have taken a vow of silence.  When contacted for this article the office of Little Stevie Seaweed declined to comment.  SuperK, incensed, has suggested that I indicate that I don't wish to bully him anymore.  Use his own words and see how he takes it.  I likely will not go this far - it's not really my style - but I'm done discussing his dalliances and dates, whether his spouse knows about it or not.

Tie Your Camel to the Post

"There are those who grasp at philosophies and views and simply wander around the world annoying people."

The Buddha

There's a part of my spiritual maturity that allows me to hold the contradictions of life in my heart.  While I have a long journey to Buddha-hood still ahead of me I find that I can, from time to time, see the paradox in my life and become more comfortable and even appreciative of life's ambiguities, its many levels and layers of confusion and befuddling bafflement.  I can laugh at life's irony and metaphor and embrace the whole amazing mess, beauty and outrageousness both, at the same time, tucked into the chambers of my heart.

"As our spiritual practice matures we learn to allow the opposites of our practice to be part of the dance of our spirit, to hold it all with ease and humor, to be at peace with it all.  When we are just ourselves, without pretense or artifice, we are at rest in the universe.  In this ordinariness there is no higher or lower, nothing, to fix nothing to desire, simply an opening in love and understanding to the joys and suffering of the world."

Jack Kornfield

"Praise Allah, but tie your camel to the post."

Sufi Proverb

"Beware any activity that requires the purchase of new clothes."

Henry David Thoreau

I Guarantee

Guarantee: To promise that some condition holds or will be fulfilled.

I try to avoid statements that suggest any guarantees in life but here's one anyway: you are not always going to get what you want and you are not going to be able to avoid the occasional unpleasantness of life.  I guarantee the veracity of that statement.  I also guarantee that if you stay sober and clean and you try to develop a spiritual life to the best of your ability that everything is going to be just fine.  Whatever you're worried about right now?  It's probably not going to amount to a hill of beans in short order and it does end up amounting to a mountain of beans then you're going to have the tools to navigate through to a safe harbour.  Sorry about the pain part and sorry that you're going to be denied a lot of the shallow, self-satisfied things that you want . . . but it's all going to be just fine.

"It may be possible to find explanations of spiritual experiences such as ours, but I have often tried to explain my own and have succeeded only in giving the story of it.  I know the feeling it gave me and the results it brought, but I realize I may never fully understand it's deeper why and how."

Bill W

"In learning to practice these steps in my daily living I began to acquire faith and a philosophy to live by.  Whole new vistas were opened up for me, new avenues of experience to be explored, and life began to take on color and interest.  In time, I found myself looking forward to each new day with pleasurable anticipation.  Alcoholics Anonymous is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with.  It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives.   . . . limitless expansion.  There is no more 'aloneness,' with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing, before, could ever reach it.  That ache is gone and never need return again."

Keys to the Kingdom - The Big Book

Jews and Christians and Muslims, Oh, My

Bear with me for a bit this morning as this might start out a little religous-ey.  Hopefully I can make it more about good old spirituality.  

Several years ago I got to travel to the Middle East and this trip included a stop in Jerusalem, birthplace of the three great monotheistic religions: Christianity, Judiasm, and Islam.  (As a side note isn't it ironic that these movements, full of wars and bloodshed and hatred, all originated in the same place?  The more cynical among us could point out that these people all come from the same ancestors, the same gene pool, so WTF, you know?  Maybe everyone could just relax and get along.)  I grew up in a Christian church and - as a fearful, anxious child - found the idea of something bigger than me comforting.  As a child I was able to overlook all of the inconsistencies and hypocrisy which lurk in the weeds, but as I grew older and my cynicism flowered I drifted into self-sufficiency and addiction.

Anyway, we had a Jewish tour guide and a Palestinian driver.  The irony of these two good men sharing a job and a friendship was not lost on me.  The guide made a point of telling the group what was true, what was false, and what could not be verified one way or another.  For instance, one enclosed building housed the rock upon which Jesus was crucified, allegedly.  Our guide rolled his eyes.  He knew a tourist trap when he saw one.  Because of my reading and study and upbringing I was familiar with a lot of the places we visited.  What struck me was how some spots I didn't think would strike me struck me almost dead and some spots imbued with great significance in Christian mythology struck me not at all.  E.g., the ridiculous crucifixtion rock.

Some examples . . . 

We stopped by the Jordan River where Jesus was reputedly baptized by John - wait for it - The Baptist.  The tourist trap area had a number of outdoor pavilions set up so that groups could come and recreated the baptism ceremony.  In one enclosure there was a group of very black, very ethnic looking pilgrims cooking food, singing, just generally whooping it up as their pastor baptized members.  Being me I had to go over and talk to them and here's the thing: they were Muslims from Ethiopa who admired Jesus and thought, what the fuck, let's travel to the Jordan River and get baptized.  It looked like a party.  It was a party.  And if these people had walked into any Christian church and asked to be baptized they would have been laughed out of countenance because there would be a long list of rules they'd have to adhere to.  So they said: "Let's drive up there, cook some good food, hang around together outside, sing some, dance some, party down."  THAT'S what I'm talking about.  

We also traveled to the spot where Jesus spoke of The Beatitudes:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the meek for they shall possess the land.

Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after justice for they shall have their fill.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Children of God.

Blessed are those who suffer persecution for justice sake for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

I don't care what kind of spiritual life you have it's not possible to call bullshit on that stuff.  That's beautiful stuff.  And the site built to commemorate the sermon included a big, beautiful garden set on a hill overlooking the Sea of Gaililee far below.  It was incredibly peaceful.  I was almost moved to tears.  Did Jesus preach right here, right on this spot?  Probably not but who cares?  If that was a big deal for me I would have missed the whole point which was that if I lost my wits because someone didn't use a turn signal in front of me or I couldn't be bothered to put my cell phone down and greet the young person making a cup of coffee for me then I was not on any kind of good spiritual path.

So far Muslims and Christians.  The other site that blew my socks off was as Jewish a place as exists on earth: The Wailing Wall.  This wall is the only surviving structure of the second temple built in Jerusalem, said temple having been destroyed and rebuilt so many times who knows what is original and what is not?  This area has different sections for males and females and is reversed for the myth or belief or certainty that if you write down a prayer and place it into one of the ancient cracks or crevices in the wall that the prayer will be answered or heard or something like that.  SuperK blew my socks off by putting on a head scarf and heading to the women's side of the site - the same socks that I had painstakingly put back on after having them blown off at the Jordan River which was the third time in one day they had been blown off because I didn't mention they were blown off for the second time in the Beatitudes Garden - holding a note to place into the Wall.  Okay, if my religious skeptic of a wife can head in so can I.  Almost immediately an Orthodox Jew asked if I was also Jewish myself (if so I needed to put on a yarmulke) so when I said no, he smiled and waved me in with a cheery "Enjoy your visit."  I found myself standing in front of a century old wall, stuffed with thousands of prayers and requests.  It was overwhelming to be in this sea of Jews - some of them praying and chanting - and pondering the mysteries of this ancient site.

So, because I was able to turn off the Cynicism Machine for a day I got to experience the beauty of three different religions instead of trying to expose the warts and flaws that exist in almost everything.

So there, Skeptics, from a once hardened Skeptic himself. 

The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the meek for they shall possess the land.

Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after justice for they shall have their fill.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Children of God.

Blessed are those who suffer persecution for justice sake for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Right outta the Bible but who can bitch about these affirmations?

Rather Small. And Rather Flat.

Someone once told Picasso that he ought to make pictures of things the way they are - objective pictures.  When Picasso said he did not understand, the man produced a picture of his wife and said, "There, you see, that is a picture of how she really is."  Picasso looked at it and said, "She’s rather small, isn’t she?  And flat?"

 

This is a willingness to discover what is so, without imitation or without following the wisdom of others. We must see things for ourselves. There isn't just one way of practice or one fine spiritual traditionn, but there are many ways. Spiritual life is not about adopting any one particular philosophy or set of beliefs or teachings, that it is not a cause for taking a stand in opposition to someone else or something else. Jack Kornfield

Waiting to Move

One of the recurring themes of my life revolves around a poorly developed ability to sit quietly.  Over the years I've gotten much, much better at this seemingly simple task but I still have a tendency to approach life as a task to be mastered and mastered quickly and mastered completely.  There will be no survivors.  I do not take prisoners.  I have disabled the brakes on my very fast car and I lay rubber for a hundred yards when I get on the road.  I am a mouse on meth.

"In thinking about our day we may face indecision.  We may not be able to determine which course to take.  Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision.  We relax and take it easy.  We don't struggle.  We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while."

Big Book P. 86

"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."

Big Book, P. 84

Mostly, of course, because I applaud myself for almost everything I do or think or say, I applaud my energy and curiosity.   I get to see a lot, experience a lot, I get a lot done.  Nothing the matter with that and all well and good.  The difficulty comes when I act rashly or when I act when I shouldn't be doing anything or when I do something without taking a few deep breaths and seeing whether anything should, in fact, be done.  I get myself in trouble by acting when I should be pausing more often than the other way around.  I'm good at moving; terrible at waiting and seeing.

Total. Always.

"I realize now that a drink did something for me or to me that was different from the way it affected others.  So I began making the rounds of the doctors in the hope that one of them might find some cure for my accumulating ailments, preferably something that could be removed surgically."

From the Big Book story "The Keys of the Kingdom"

I laughed out loud when I read the line about something being removed surgically.  THAT is the definition of the easier, softer way.  I nodded soberly when I read the line - repeated in various guises and forms throughout the Big Book - about alcohol affecting an alcoholic, fully developed or still in training, differently than it does the normal drinker.  There was no easing into it - I went straight to the moon, my head blown clean off my body.  I was never, ever interested in a moderated experience.

"Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one."

12 & 12, page 80

Always: Every time, on every occasion, without exception; to always do something is to never stop doing it, or to do it every time.

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being."

12 & 12, page 53

Total: Including everything; complete or absolute.

I do love the word choices in the literature.  I have no ability to have a normal, healthy relationship without a spiritual awakening and when I was drinking I always fucked up my relationships.

Relativity

After the ecstasy . . . the laundry.

Zen Proverb

"The problem with the word patience is that it implies we are waiting for something to get better, we are waiting for something good that will come.  A more accurate word for this quality is constancy, a capacity to be with what is true moment after moment, to discover enlightenment one moment after another."

Suzuki Roshi, Zen Master  

When you sit with a pretty girl for two hours, it seems like a minute, and when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, it seems like two hours.  That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

I'd say spiritual maturity understands that the process of awakening goes through many seasons and cycles.  True patience isn't gaining or grasping, it does not seek any accomplishment.  I think it allows us to disregard the concept of time.  We're not waiting for anything.  We're not trying to get anywhere.  We're not revisiting the past over and over again.  We're right here, right now, in this moment.  We're not looking for something "good" or worrying about being inflicted with something "bad."  We're present.  We're not overly concerned about the future and we're not overly concerned with the past.

Perfect? Man?

Here's another Zen master story . . . .

A student asked his teacher if he was planning on getting married.  The teacher said that at one point he began a quest to find the perfect woman.  A romantic Quest for the Holy Grail, relationship style. He went to Damascus and met an attractive, kind woman who was smart and engaging . . . but didn't have much interest in furthering her spiritual development.  So that match floundered and the teacher went to Rome where he met another attractive, kind woman, this one with a powerful spiritual life but not much interest in exploring matters of the mind or of culture.   Another whiff so off to Paris went the teacher where he met yet another attractive, kind woman who was committed to spiritual growth and intellectual pursuits . . . but they just didn't seem to connect personally, struggling to get on the "same page," two ships passing in the night.  Because our teacher was committed to finding a partner he went back to the Middle East to try his luck in Jerusalem where he met an attractive, kind woman, smart, spiritually fit, a delightful partner in all ways.

"So . . . did you marry her?" asked the student.

"No," replied the teacher.  "She was looking for the perfect man."  

Here and There

I was nervous about my Acadamy Awards acceptance speech yesterday at the larger Saturday KIS meeting.  This is unusual for me - I have no trouble dithering on about myself in front of a group of people as a general rule.  Moreover, I found that I was unusually emotional the whole day; so much so that I was wrung out as the afternoon progressed.  It was very surprising.  I was not expecting this and I don't know exactly why this particular sobriety anniversary/birthday felt so much bigger than normal.  Sometimes I get a real sense of the depth and strength of the human connections we make in our recovery community.  Good bullshit detector specialists like me can quickly spot the difference between bluster and platitudes and the relationships I have with real friends. 

"As one matures in spiritual life, one becomes more comfortable with paradox, more appreciative of life's ambiguities, its many levels and inherent conflicts.  One develops a sense of life's irony, metaphor, and humor and a capacity to embrace the whole, with its beauty and outrageousness, in the graciousness of the heart."

Jack Kornfield.

We're not always going to be on Easy Street.  The more deeply I can accept that the more contented I'm going to become.

Spirituality is not about leaving my life to find existence on some exalted, light-filled plain.  It's all too easy to turn spirituality into a grim duty.

As I was going up the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today,

I wish, I wish, he'd go away.

A Zen master was once asked if he ever got angry.  "Of COURSE, I get angry," he replied.  "But a few minutes later I say 'What's the use of this?' and I let it go."

T-Model Ford

Many years ago I went to a small roadhouse in Cincinnati to listen to an old bluesman by the name of T-Model Ford.  Sitting on the stage was a very simple drum set - snare, cymbal, bass - and a chair.  Young dude comes out and sits behind the drums and then an employee helps T-Model to his chair.  He's not moving quickly and his movement is not fluid.  He's old and in failing health.  He plops down in his chair and gathers himself.  He is so afflicted with arthritis that he can't use his fingers on the fretboard of his guitar.  Instead, he has a piece of kitchen cutlery and I am not making this up.  I don't remember exactly which utensil he had but I seem to remember a fork.  He proceeds to blow my mind.  I like the blues anyhow but the sight of this old man playing some really simple, very basic, very arresting blues music with a fork, no bass player, and a drum set that looks like it came out of a children's store has never left my mind.

38

"It would be wonderful were I able to tell you that my confidence in God and my application of the Twelve Steps to my daily living have utterly banished fear.  But this would not be the truth.  The most accurate answer I can give you is this: Fear has never again ruled my life.  Never have I dodged anything because I was afraid of it.  I have faced life instead of running away from it.

Some of the things which used to stop me in my tracks from fear still make me nervous in the anticipation of their doing, but once I kick myself into doing them nervousness disappears and I enjoy myself.  In recent years I have had the happy combination of time and money to travel occasionally.  I am very apt to get into quite an uproar for a day or two before starting, but I do start, and once started, I have a good time."

Thirty-eight years of sobriety today.  I have to shake my head and laugh at the ridiculousness of that figure.  I had NO IDEA what kind of blessings that were going to rain down on my bashed and bleeding head.  No clue.  The things I have today that are the most important to me were not high value targets when I was drinking.  I did not see why they would be part and parcel of a contented life.  My goals revolved around money, power, and sex, and not on true friendship and an assured spiritual foundation.

In my case it took me about ten years of steady application of the principles of a sober, spiritual, ethical life before this kind of deep gratitude really got into my bones.  I was more and more contented, less and less angry and depressed, living a much happier life those first ten years, but it took me a long time to really get it.

Bodhisattva Seaweed . . . Or Maybe Not . . . Eh, Probably Not

My life is my message.

Mahatma Gandi

Bodhi means 'awakened' and sattva means 'a being.'  Together (Bodhisattva) they mean a person who is committed to awakening, a being committed to the freedom and well-being of every creature, who like a Buddha uses every circumstance to express the human capacity for understanding and compassion.  In widening our circle of practice, we discover the capacity of our heart to bear witness to the suffering of the world and experience our heart expanding, connecting in compassion to all life.  To live a life as a bodhisattva is not grand or idealistic.  It is simply bringing to every circumstance a spirit of love, openness, and freedom.

Jack Kornfield

A Shining Light or a Shining Path.  This is what I aspire to be.  No more darkness, doom and gloom, no more heavy sensations coming from me.  I can look at someone today, listen for a minute, and see a lightness or a darkness.  There's an aura that's readily apparent and readily accessible.  There are lots of combinations, of course, but it's not hard to differentiate heavy from light, positive from negative.  People I want to be around and people I don't.  People who energize me and people who suck the joy out of the minute. 

Hot Tub Guy was at the pool yesterday.  Hot Tub Guy is chatty and he won't leave me alone and he asks questions so it feels rude to ignore him.  If he'd just shut the fuck up I could soak my tired muscles for a few minutes but it's not happening so far.  I find that I'm tensed up while holding an  conversation that's inoffensive on the surface - as if I know a blow is coming but I don't know when -  because I know eventually he's going to say something confrontational designed to provoke a response, an argument.  Heavy.  Negative.  Eager to agitate and argue.  I canNOT imagine Hot Tub Guy has much peace in his life.  It's just too hard to be happy when you see threats and danger around every corner, certain that you're getting screwed out of your fair share.

My experience in life is that the quick burst of adrenalin and satisfaction that a victory in the arena of money, power, and sex provides is that the satisfaction tends to be fleeting.  This is why most of us have a lot of stuff that we don't need and don't use.  We crave the buzz, the hit, of acquiring a pleasant, glittering thing but it goes away a lot more quickly than the more durable things in life.

Do Your Best

There's a young guy who occasionally comes to the meeting who just completed his master's degree in social work and took a job as a counselor working for the State of California.  Before the end of his first week of training he was told that the funding for his position had been rescinded.  He did get paid for the week of training but now  . . . no job.  He is in good spirits and reflective.  He's got a good Program going so he has the tools to handle the ups and downs of life.  I sent him a note about how impressed I was with his equanimity, adding some standard Seaweed bullshit boilerplate about how the real trick in life comes in handling the ups and downs that inevitably come our way.

He sent me a couple of pictures of kittens answering the question "what do you do for a living?" by saying "I do my best."

Design Your Own God, Then, And Quit Your Complaining

I grew up in a church with a God so I wasn't offended by the idea of God when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.  I didn't need to use the term Higher Power or to reject the God idea outright.  My God, unfortunately, was sort of a sanctimonious prick, really judgemental and negative, looking to punish me for my transgressions while being quick to overlook and minimize my goodness, my inherent goodness.  So I've been able, slowly, painfully slowly, to transition to a much hipper, cooler God, relaxed and positive, and this vision has worked for me for many years.  While I respect people's choice in believing in a specific God or a Higher Power, or rejecting the concept outright, I admit to rolling my internal eyes at those of us who adamamently refuse to accept the whole God thing.  I'm a logical, tactile, practical guy but still can't get my mind around the idea that life is a cypher, originating out of nothing, spinning along in random nothingness, disappearing into a meaningless future.  Life seems far too complex to reject the premise that something Bigger has been involved.  None of this at all can be proved, of course, which can be maddening and freeing at the same time, allowing us to come up with our visualization of what "something bigger than me" means.

I asked SuperK what her definition of spirituality was recently and she said, pretty quickly, that she didn't know, that it was hard to define.  I scoffed a little too audibly, I guess, so she fired back: "What do you think spirituality is, then?"  I stood there for a moment, like a pious idiot, and realized that I didn't know, either.  When I tried to haltingly describe spirituality she kept pointing out that what I was describing was religion.  Thus my blog post from yesterday.

I then asked myself what would a God look like built to Seaweed specifications?  That was a lot more fun, and a lot more intuitive.

Really, really relaxed.

Good sense of humor.  Doesn't take himself too seriously.  Laughs at himself all the time.

Never judgemental.  Always finds the positive in everything.

In the moment.  At peace with his past and not worried about the future.

Constantly thinking of other people even if this comes at his own expense.

Possessing a good energy, a good vibe, a good aura.  You feel comfortable hanging out with this dude even if you're not sure why.  "That's a good dude," you think as you walk away.  You don't even have to like him to know he's got a good heart.

Inscrutable, of course, and this is the most frustrating part.  If you grill him on death and pain and unfairness he'll shrug his shoulders and say something about the nature of existence, about the agony and ecstasy of possessing a huge brain, about the complexity of being the only living creature with a foreknowledge of his own death, gently reminding us that he could very easily made instinctual creatures whose behavior was only determined by internal programming, that if want to have Free Will, to have the ability to choose how we're going to behave, that we have to deal with the fact that we're going to fuck up from time to time.

Spirituality

Spirituality is the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.  In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, a faith in something past oneself.

Spirituality is the practice of seeking purpose, meaning, and connection with forces greater than oneself, with the universe, other people, or a higher power.

Spirituality derives from the Latin words spirare and spiritus which mean soul, vital principle, and breath.

Spirituality is a dynamic and intrinsic aspect of humanity, through which we seek ultimate meaning, purpose, and transcendence.

Spirituality is associated with quality and meaning in life.  It can be nourished through God, nature, and/or others.

Spirituality is inner life.

Spirituality is a thread which runs through our life, bringing hope, compassion, thankfulness, courage, peace and a sense of purpose and meanting to everyday life.

Spirituality is a search for the sacred.

Spirituality is about finding balance of life.

Be present.

Be nice to others.  Make other people your focus.

Stay out of the future.  Stay out of the past.

Calm down.  Set aside your anger and your resentments.  It's enough with the self-justified outrage already.

If you could build your own God what would it look like?

The Hypocrite, the Scoundrel, and the Flatterer.

Here's a take on The Lord's Prayer from an anonymous member of Alcoholics Anonymous: "The word is as.  I ask that my trespasses be forgiven as I forgive those who trespass against me.  In this case as means 'in the same manner.'  I am asking to be forgiven in the same manner as I forgive others."

Makes me take a second look at exactly how I'm extending forgiveness to those who I believe have wronged me.  Makes me understand that the quality of the forgiveness extended to me is predicated on the forgiveness I grant others.

From The Big Book: "I had tried to be the center of my own little world, whereas God was the center of a vast universe of which I was perhaps an essential, but very tiny part."  

My own little world . . . . 

A very tiny part . . .  

So sayeth the great poet William Blake: "If one is to do good, it must be done in the minute particulars.  General good is the plea of the hypocrite, the scoundrel, and the flatterer."

I see the segue between the quote from our literature and the wisdom of Blake: I am important but in a teeny, tiny way.  I am important but not as important as I think I am.  I am important but not as important as you.  If I can't take care of my behavior when I'm navigating the little challenges of life then I'm never going to be able to preach down from the lofty heights to which I aspire.  In other words: Don't be an asshole today.  Don't worry about the big things.  Pay close attention to the little things and the big things will fall into place.

Make God isn't an outside entity.  Maybe God is just inside us.

Good, Good, Good Vibrations

One of the foundations of Buddhist thought is the concept of the five precepts.  Basically, respect life in all forms; don't steal; don't talk shit behind people's backs; don't misbehave sexually; and don't use mind-altering substances.  The last one made me laugh a little bit.  My immediate thought is "Leave me alone - I'm not hurting anyone else" but the Buddhist reasoning is that it's best to avoid anything that can cause carelessness or loss of awareness.  It is funny how important it is to be present to be connected to this philosophy.  No running away.  No pretending that this or that is something else.  No hiding my head in the sand or up my ass.

Here's a reminder from Jack Kornfield: "The basic precepts are not passive.  At first, they are a practice.  Then they become a necessity, and finally they become a joy.  When our heart is awakened, they spontaneously illuminate our way in the  world.  This is called Shining Virtue.  The light around someone who speaks truth, who consistently acts with compassion for all, even in great difficulty, is visible all around them."

This really rings true to me.  I can definitely feel a good energy when I'm around people who are spiritually centered.   Many years ago I was chatting with a man who was going to do some work on my car.  I had just come from a meeting and was being me, Little Stevie Seaweed, in all my random, tarnished glory.  I can't recall if I was feeling especially good or bad or anything unusual at all.  I was being present.  I was conscious.  I was aware of the presence of another person, more so than a self-awareness of my flawed being.  At one point he stopped mid-sentence and said: "Man, I feel energized talking to you."  The memory of this brief episode has really stuck with me, a reminder that when I'm doing well people can sense this as they can also feel a heavy, negative, dark stench wafting skyward when someone I'm being dickish.  It's real, this stuff.

K.I.S.

I'm going to keep it simple today as is befitting for a simpleton like me who regularly attends a meeting called Keep It Simple which is the most inaccurate name for a meeting in the entire history of meetings . . . .

I have enough.

I do enough.

I am enough.

Me, of Course

"Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

Big Book

Solipsism:  The philosophical belief that self is all that can be known, the idea that one's mind is all that is certain to exist, and therefore knowledge beyond one's own consciousness is impossible.

Man-a-live, can I get behind that philosophy.  If it's not about me then I don't really care.  Go talk to someone else, please.   A friend in the Program paints rocks for fun and she handed me one the other morning with the comment that it really reminded her of me.  It read: "Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me," in three vertical rows in three different colors.  I'm sure she would have added another row of Me's if she had had access to a bigger rock.

Here's a passage from one of the stories in The Big Book: "I used to be set in my way about what I considered the old-time A.A.  I have to tell myself that other things are progressing and A.A. must too.  We old-timers get scattered and separated and then witness the construction of services to get in more people and to make this thing function, we think that A.A. has changed, but the root of it hasn't.  We are older in A.A. and we're older in years.  It's only natural that we don't have the capacity to change,but we ought not to criticize those who have."

Good words to live by as I get more cantankerous in my twilight years.

Look Out For the Locomotive

It has taken me years of practice to learn how to enter the family arena or the political arena and stay connected with my deepest compassion.  None of us can avoid tyranny, loss, sorrow, or death.  I must remember that the world's current problems are fundamentally a spiritual crisis, created by the limited vision of human beings - a loss of a sense of connection to one another, a loss of community, and most deeply a loss of connection to my spiritual values.  Underneath this I must find a strength of heart to face injustice and untruth with truth and compassion.

"Step Six is necessary to spiritual growth.  Placing spiritual growth first . . .  But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first - then and only then do we have a real chance.  But with the alcoholic, whose hope is with the growth and maintenance of a spiritual existence . . . "

Various passages from the Big Book and the 12&12

I have been holding conversations in my head with Hot Tub Guy.  One of my main realizations is that he is living in an echo chamber where he listens to information that validates what he already believes.  Some of this tendency is common to the human experience - God knows I don't want to hang out in a room of people who hold values and opinions that directly contradict my own.  Still, today, it gives me pause when I feel my spine stiffen at the suggestion that what I believe may not be all that great, that it may run counter to what I believe is true.  Remember sitting in your first few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings?  I had spent years associating with people who drank and drugged like I did, people who had convinced themselves that there was nothing wrong to see here.  Did I think some dude stoned into next Tuesday, pulling on a quart of Colt 45 at three in the morning on a weekday, was going to point out any fallacious reasoning in my world view?

"How persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act."

12&12

So, today, listening when others share can develop intuition in handling problems which arise unexpectedly.  I know I must avoid impetuous action.  I was driving through some small rural town, looking for a factory, when there was this sign posted as I approached a set of railroad tracks: "Look out for the locomotive!"

Look out for the locomotive, indeed.

Remember . . . that the light you see at the end of the tunnel may be the locomotive coming the other way.

And, also remember, it's always darkest right before it goes totally black.

Words to live by.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

 "One consolation of age is desensitization. You worry less about saying the wrong thing. When you are young, you think you will die from shame, but with time you learn that embarrassment won’t kill you. That is another reason why the young despise and fear the elderly. They have no manners, no social sense. They will say anything!" Francine Prose

When I was losing my mind in my early 20s I briefly saw a therapist.  It wasn't too helpful because I was stoned during all of my sessions and I spent most of the time trying to figure out what the guy wanted to hear and then saying that.  Regardless, he prescribed medication that is normally given to people who are depressed and plagued by obsessive/compulsive behaviors, both of which were indeed plaguing me at the time.  But on the Rx he had written "Generalized Anxiety Disorder."  To my query he replied: "You're afraid of everything.  Everything makes you anxious," an explanation that really increased the vague, free-floating anxiety that was currently plaguing me.  "Wait," he added.  "There's more and it's worse.  You're also afraid of shit that isn't real.  What I mean to say is that when nothing real is going on that makes you anxious then you start to imagine things that might go wrong in the future.  In short - you're fucked.  You're always going to be anxious.  It isn't necessary for anything anxiety-producing to be actually happening because if it isn't then you're sure to feel certain that it's going to happen soon.  It doesn't even have to bea  reasonable fear.  It's not necessary for there to be even the slightest, most miniscule chance of whatever weird, implausible things you're currently fixated on to occur because you're going to convince themselves that they might occur anyway."

Well, I'm not sure this is exactly how the conversation went.  Do you think my therapist said to me:"You're fucked?"  Probably not.  But he did diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  That's a real thing that is.

From the Mayo Clinic website: "Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events.  Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst case outcomes.  Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren't.  Inability to set aside or let go of worry."

Yep, that sounds about right.

The Nature of Existence

"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."  

Big Book

"It is clear that God's plan for me is expressed through love.  My response is to love all of His children through service and by example, to ask God to help me imitate His love for me through my love for others."

Some anonymous member of Alcoholics Anonymous

I know, I know, lot of God talk here . . .  One thought, wish, hope I include in my morning prayers is that I am able to express the perfect love that is my Higher Power in my thoughts, words, and actions.  I cannot improve on this thought.  I cannot see how I can live a better life than one based on projecting my vision of a perfect love into my daily life.

Jack Kornfield:  "Spiritual life becomes more genuine when things become more difficult.  We can learn to see here and now those places where we are afraid or attached or lost or deluded.  We can see in the very same moment the possibility of awakening, of freedom, of fullness of being.  The sacred is always here before us."

And then he translates this into our meditation practices: "We will inevitably encounter the same hindrances as we do while sitting in meditation.  We will desire to be somewhere else or with someone else.  We will feel aversion, judgment, and fear.  We will have periods of laziness and dullness.  We will get restless with one another, and we will have doubts."

I ran across the phrase "the nature of existence" a while back and it really rocked my brain.  I mean a Black Sabbath kind of rocking.  It's comforting to me when I'm restless, irritable, or discontented, when I'm bored or in pain, to understand that this happens to everyone and this is going to happen to me again.  It helps me look at things more calmly.  I don't feel unusual or excluded.  I feel pain or boredom or irritation.  I can moderate these feelings but I can't avoid them and I'll only drive myself to distraction trying to figure out why life is like this.  Why do I live in a world where there is pain and death?  WTF was God thinking when he designed a world where animals eat other animals alive and then we kill these animals and eat them ourselves?