I was at a meeting yesterday where the topic sort of devolved into a discussion of the Fourth Step - a through and searching personal inventory, written down on paper, using words, to prepare for the terrifying Fifth Step where we speak words, out loud, to a living human person who isn't deaf and understands the language that we're using - and also the Ninth Step - making direct amends to those we had wronged but only if there is no collateral damage of innocents. No one comes into Alcoholics Anonymous eager to do these Steps. No one who has been sober for any length of time whatsoever discounts how incredibly valuable doing them has been to their peace of mind.
"But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not to be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us. . . . (But) this practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered . . . people."
I had a wonderfully peaceful Quiet Time prior to this meeting. One of those times where I was able to sit quietly and be where I was. This is not an easy skill to acquire - for me, anyway - and it has taken a long time and much practice to attain. But, man, to sit quietly! I did not know or understand how wonderful an experience that is, sitting in the moment and not jetting out into the future where terrible things are happening to me or wallowing in the messy bogs of my past, relitigating old grievances and regretting not letting loose little cruel witticisms that didn't occur to me at the time to justify how terribly I had been treated. And I was aware, listening to people talk about these Steps, how they were so necessary for me to get to that place.
Lotta work, this recovery and spiritual growth business. Well worth it.
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