Aha!

My life was unpleasant before I got sober.  I don't recall very much happiness unless I was using something.  Perhaps "happiness" is the wrong word - I certainly don't remember very much peace of mind or calm relaxation.  I was always climbing the next mountain or picturing the next mountain to climb, guilty that I wasn't climbing it fast enough or well enough, wondering why I didn't pick the highest, steepest, rockiest mountain in the Himalayas.

My life can be strained today, too.  I still don't relax very well.  I'm still cursed with the Type-A perfectionism that keeps me on the lookout for dragons to slay.  I know this sounds funny for a guy without a job but I can get to the end of the day wondering why I didn't read more, for chrissake.

Someone once called me a Walking Bullshit Machine.  The topic at the meeting this morning was along the lines of remembering what finally got us into A.A.: our Aha! moment.  I don't know if I had an Aha! moment.  I had a lot of Uh-Oh! moments.  Uh-Oh! where did that cop come from?  Uh-Oh! I just got fired  . . . again.

If I had gone to treatment I would have tried to graduate first in my class.  A guy today talked about being demoted from Out Patient back to In Patient.  I got kicked out of school, my house, and many bars, but never out of a recovery program.

When I was lucky enough to work I had a variety of routes home so that I could patronize different alcohol-selling establishments (this was before you could buy booze at a fucking grocery store for god's sake, and now you can buy alcohol at gas stations.  Man, talk about a disconnect.) because I didn't want the proprietors to know I had a drinking problem.

Most of us try to figure out why we drank alcoholically.  No more, buddy.  I DO NOT care why.  I don't have to figure out anything.  I don't have to think about anything.  I was a mess and now I'm not.  End of discussion.