Surrender

Surrender: Commonly implies the giving up of something completely after striving to keep it.

I like the "striving to keep it" part of the definition of surrender. This I'm good at. I have a lot more trouble with the "giving up something completely" concept. I don't know what it means to give up. I have no idea what the word "completely" means. I do, however, possess a vast knowledge of what it means to be bludgeoned into submission.

I like to bargain with everything, especially my vices and weaknesses and faults. If I'm doing something that causes me woe I try to figure out how I can continue the behavior and lose the woe part. I faced my 9, 671st hangover, then experimented with a new morning after remedy. I knew the 21 vodka gimlets I had consumed was the source of my pain but I liked to drink and I wanted to keep drinking. Stopping was not what I wanted to do. So I continued to drink until the pain of living exceeded the fleeting pleasure of the alcohol.

It burns my lips to think about giving up. It implies weakness and failure. It conjures up visions of quitting. When I'm doing something that I want to do I don't care about the odds or the consequences. Alcoholics are macho. Lady alcoholics have chutzpah and big cojones.

Alcohol is Goliath. Alcohol is King Kong. I'm Bambi. Alcohol is in shape and heavily armed. I'm blindfolded and hobbled and holding a pussy willow. "OK, this is it. This is your last chance to give up," I say.

I'm a fighter. I'm always going to be a fighter. I'll always give up when I have exhausted every last ounce of my own willpower.