Liar

Lie: To make a statement that one knows is false, especially with intent to deceive.
I'm not sure that any talent I possess is more highly developed than my ability to tell a lie. I should have been in the CIA. I could have convinced a whole team of enemy secret agent interrogators that I was just a simple country lad trying to make a living tending a small plot of organic vegetables, taking care of my sick grandmother and raising my crippled little sister. I list this on my resume under "Other Skills."

My natural impulse is to make something up. I do it even when there is no good reason. Sometimes I think: "Why did I just say that? That's not true." I can't help it. It's out of my mouth before I can stop it. This is why I try not to talk very much. Nothing good comes of it most of the time.

I have labored under the illusion that lying is easier than telling the truth. Boy, is that a bad illusion. That is really a terrible illusion. Every time I make something up (doesn't that sound better than lying?) it's like taking a little tiny sip of a mild poison. It doesn't kill me right away but I get sicker and sicker. One day I look in the mirror and I don't have any hair and my skin is green and I have a third eye in the middle of forehead. "Wow, how did that happen?" I yell while I mix my next poison smoothie. One part poison, two cups of fruit, a scoop of protein powder -- blend well, chill, and drink it up.

Lying is confusing. I told so many lies for so long that I had a whole elaborate network of lies built up to keep the whole charade intact. There were main lies, supporting lies, and big whopper lies. I couldn't remember exactly what I had told anyone. It was exhausting. Inevitably, some one would catch me on something and the whole structure would collapse with a boom. I learned that the misery of being caught at a lie was much, much worse than telling the truth right out of the chute. It's like removing a band-aid or lancing an infected wound. Yeah, it hurts but then it's over. Much better than lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, worried that I was going to be found out.

"Remember: it's not a lie if you believe it." -- George Costanza.