Expectations

Expect: To assume with a considerable degree of confidence that an event will happen.

I don't expect much out of life. My requirements are simple, humble, and beyond reproach. These basic needs encompass only the following:

1. A mound of money the size of a Buick -- a full-sized Buick, not one of those stripped-down, gas-sipping, sub-compacts -- that no one can get at and that will never diminish by one red cent even though I get to spend as much money as I want for the rest of my life.

2. Access to a different, willing sexual partner at the time and place of my choosing, who is completely understanding of any shortcomings that I may possess in technique or performance, as impossible to believe as this may be.

3. The unwavering respect and undying love of the masses. I would like my greatness to be recognized and my astounding humility unchallenged. Actual good behavior is not required -- if my intentions are good I want full credit even though my actions may be those of a self-centered jerk.

The quality of my life can be directly linked to how I manage my expectations. When my acceptance is up and my expectations are down, I do well. When the reverse is true, storm clouds gather and my days are long.