Unshakable!

Shadrach:  One of the three Jewish captives in Babylonia who were cast into a blazing furnace by Nebuchadnezzar and came out miraculously unharmed.

Just wanted to see if everyone was paying attention on the definitions.  You might want to google Meshach and Abednego and get a jump on tomorrow's words for the day.

I think Shadrach would be a cool name for a linebacker.

SuperK, ever the good German girl, seared the phrase "intensely practical" in my mind a while back.  I'm a pretty good German boy so it wasn't that hard to do.  I'll do just about anything if it's going to give me concrete results; I don't even have to understand how the process works as long as I see the results in others.  I also like this quote: "There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer.  Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit.  But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life."

Unshakable!!  Well, our founders did get a little carried away from time to time, but I think they were on to something by suggesting that we need to weave all of this stuff together.  I needed some encouragement with meditation; it seemed so non-specific.  Praying I got: more talking about myself, a concrete, tangible action to take.  

Anyway, I have added a new concrete defense to those who ask: "So what do you do all day?"  I have mentioned that I now lead with the information that I'm in recovery.  It does indeed take a big (but well-worth it) chunk of my time and that revelation has the same effect as an elephant gun has on a charging rhino to anyone who is presenting a holier than thou attitude; or perhaps I should say a busier than thou attitude.  Now I've started to add this: "I meditate a lot.  I try to sit quietly with myself without FREAKING OUT!"  It IS something I do.  It's productive as hell.  It's a productive action.

Another round from the elephant gun.

Step 11

Motive:  Some inner drive, impulse, intention, etc.  that causes a person to do something or act in a certain way; incentive; goal,.

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead."

If I must.  If I must to stay sober.  Although I do like that we're gently reminded of the importance of the one day at a time thing.

"We consider our plans for the day."

My plans for the day revolve around me, getting what I want, avoiding what I do not want.  If somebody gets trampled as I pursue these aims, so be it.  I'm not afraid to break a few legs or take out the occasional eye if my needs are satisfied.  

So far so good.  I wake up; I plan my victories; I rule triumphant.

"Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives."

There are so many things wrong with this sentence I don't know where to begin.  I mean, the whole thing, all of the qualifiers accurately describing my motives assume that if I remove self-pity, self-seeking, and dishonesty from them that there will be something left.  There won't be.  Those are all of my motives.  I don't have any other motives.

"Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives."

Ah, there it is: the carrot, the reward.  My thought-life was on an exceptionally low plane and brought me no pleasure whatsoever; I could stand to have my thought-plane - whatever that is - raised slightly.   My history is one of avoiding any work that I find distasteful or unpleasant.  The Steps have to be intensely practical for me.  I have to get relief or I'm not doing the work.

I'm just sayin'.

Time Takes Time

I started drinking with serious purpose when I was about 18 and I drank for 12 years.  I was a daily maintenance drinker and drug abuser.  I systematically took down my life, brick by brick, bolt by bolt, destroying everything, leaving nothing standing, with deadly purpose.  I was diligent and meticulous.  I showed up early and stayed late and I never missed a day.  I worked at it.  You could drop me off in a dry county at 3AM in the morning, on a Sunday, and I'd have had a case of beer and a bag of weed in two hours.  

I was good.

Then I came into The Program and I got frustrated that I didn't feel great after two weeks.  

The good news is that there's a solution.  The bad news is that it takes a while.

A Long Home Run

Long:  Measuring much from end to end in space or time; not short or brief.

It all works out in the long run.  Life is more fair than I care to admit or at least equally unfair to all of us.  Rain falls on the wicked and on the just, despite my constant bitching to the contrary.  I've had some bad stuff happen to me and some really great stuff and a whole hell of a lot of stuff that falls in between.  It's just that if you listen to me talk you'd think that I was standing in my personal downpour all of the time.  I act like that cartoon character who walks around with his head wrapped up in a tiny, teeny thunderstorm; lightning flashing, heavy rain, peels of thunder, mini tornadoes spinning off, the whole bit.

Maybe that's why so few people seem to listen to me.

More About Me.

Old:  Having been in use for a long time; worn out by age or use; shabby.

A friend of mine plays in a band.  His group had a show on Saturday night to which I was invited and I said that I would go.  I was a little leery accepting the invitation because the music started about the time I'm normally going to bed.  I'm old, after all.

I said I would go because I really love seeing live music.  SuperK and I go all of the time although we usually try to find something interesting during the day or early evening.  But I also wanted to go because this guy is a good friend; his music is important to him and I wanted to support that love.  I can't tell you what a rush I get when someone reads this stuff here and tells me that they got something out of it.

"Really?" I say.  "How come?"

SuperK and I had a busy day and I could feel my resolve weaken as the day went along.  Needless to say, I was in bed when he took the stage and fast asleep before his group started their 4th song.  I'm probably exaggerating there.

Today I felt some remorse.  I wasn't sunk in a deep, dark depression but I felt a little bad about it.  Here's where the sickness shows up.

First of all, I assumed he noticed I wasn't there, obsessed over it all evening to such an extent that it affected his playing, and that he was still furious about it today, after lying awake all night, thinking about me. 

Yeah.  Think I have a problem with ego?

More likely, I mused, he may have noticed that I wasn't there and the thought stuck in his mind for 9 seconds or so.  Maybe 10 seconds.  Certainly no more than 13 seconds.

Still unlikely but at least possible.

I considered this scenario: he didn't think about me at all.  He was, after all, performing in front of a lot of people.  You think maybe that was on his mind?  He was probably nervous.  He was probably enjoying the experience.  He was probably not thinking about me.

I spoke with him this morning and apologized for missing the set.  Not groveling apologizing; a friend apologizing to a friend.  It was fine.

I woke up today to see a picture of him in full garb on my FB page with the caption: "While you were sleeping."  That's pretty funny.

For a guy who never thinks about anyone else I sure that everyone else is thinking about me.

Suggestions

Suggest:  To propose (someone or something) as a possibility.

I don't believe that there is a better mix of personal responsibility and group support to be found anywhere in the world than there is in The Program.  If you want help, we are going to give you help.  We are well equipped to give you help, being a collection of control-freak, know-it-alls.  We'll help alright.  We'll help you until it hurts; we'll help you until you scream; we'll help you until WE scream. And the great thing about the help is that it comes in so many different sizes and shapes and flavors.  Everybody finds someone to identify with in The Program.  We invariably hear someone share Their Story and think: "Wow.  Did that guy have a camera in my room because he's like telling everybody what I did."

But if you don't want the help we don't force it on you.  It pains us but we are excellent providers of rope; as in: how much rope do you need to hang yourself?  All of us get to find our own way in our recovery.  Many of us find it in The Rooms; many of us find it in all kinds of outside groups such as religious organizations and other self-help groups; and many of us never find it at all.  But the key is the no rules policy.  I know my hackles were frozen in the fully Up position when I came in - I was just looking for someone to tell me what to do so I could say: "See!  You're just like everyone else: criticizing me for what I do.

They are, after all, suggested Steps.

I Regret NOTHING!

Regret:  To feel sorrow or remorse over (something that has happened, one's own acts, etc.).

"We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it."

This was the excellent, excellent topic at today's meeting.  Whenever I'm asked at the last minute to chair a meeting I usually flip to The Promises.  As a Problem Guy I like anything that makes me work on The Solution - which is the main thing, after all - and takes me further away from The Problem - which is where I tend to spend way too much of my time.

It's important for me to remember that The Promises are found in our literature after a discussion of the The 9th Step amends work.  The implication is that I really begin to get some incredible relief after I do some significant work.  I can say this today and mostly be telling the truth: I am not afraid to look at my past and I do not feel remorse for what I find there.  Sure, I cringe sometimes remembering some of the things I said and did,  and I wonder how my life might have turned out if I had made different choices; but it's almost as if I'm watching a movie about some other poor SOB.  When I turn off the reflections I can easily re-center myself right in my very normal and very excellent present.

This is why we do The Steps.  We decide, with the help of others, who we need to apologize to; we apologize, with our heads held high, unashamed, straightforward; we try to the best of our ability to change our behavior from that point on, failing often but never wavering in our determination to do better.

No more groveling.