Intuition and Inspiration

 As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.  We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show.  We are in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions.  We become much more efficient.  WWe do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised at how the right answers will come after we have tried this for a while.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

I remind myself that my Higher Power is a guiding force, a helping hand, a light shining through the murk and gloom. However, my Higher Power does not have a car or a phone or a bank account and has tasked me with the action-taking here on this mortal coil. I seek inspiration and intuitive thoughts but then I have to take action based on my own flawed and self-centered motives, or not take action as the case may be. This is how it is whether I like it or not. This is the human condition. I sense the presence of a god but I'm still a human, still subject to my many whims and foibles. I do the best I can. I sleep well.

Twisted Relationships and Total Inabilities

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.

Twisted: Forced out of its natural or proper shape; crumpled; (Of a personality or way of thinking) unpleasantly or unhealthily abnormal.

Total: Complete or absolute; including everything.

I've always been impressed with the inclusion of the adjective "total" in this passage; as in, we have no ability to form a healthy relationship with another human being. None. Zero. We took hostages or we prostrated ourselves to the will of others. We were never an equal. Never. We wanted to dominate or we allowed ourselves to be dominated. And isn't the word "twisted" a real beauty? Crumpled. I had a crumpled personality.

We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide beneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relationship with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension. 

Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes.

Defective: Not working properly.

Ha ha ha ha . . . . I enjoy the phrase "with other human beings." I like "immediate" and "woes." Woe is me! A defective relationship guy.

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people . . .

Okay, I'm paying attention here: trouble, misery and depression, uselessness, fear and unhappiness . . . all good stuff, really good stuff. Why would I want to change my behavior and give up this stuff? Why did I ever think it was a good idea to continue my self-destructive behavior so I didn't have to give up this stuff? Good stuff!

Art, Baby, Art

 Criticism, a form of negative judgment, is absolutely out of our fellowship picture.

The practice of tolerance is a part of recovery.  It aids spiritual progress and helps us to control our emotions.  We do not believe that tolerance of improper situations makes good sense.  God gave us intelligence to determine between good and bad; therefore, we find as much harm in being tolerant of wrong thought or action as we find in intolerance of the right things.

I do not remember where I found these quotes so I was thinking of pretending they were my quotes but I don't think I'd fool many people. I'd fool Willie, of course - he's pretty stupid - but most of you would see right through my deception.

I continue to slowly, slowly make my way through a volume I bought at a thrift shop for $1.99 called The Reader's Digest of Great Painters. The book is divided into several sections and has about a page and a half on each painter with a few of the more noteworthy paintings or frescoes displayed. I have been using it as a starting point to dig a little more deeply into these masters, these portrayers of the existence of God or of some kind of higher power, if you will. Michaelangelo looked at a massive block of marble and saw his statue of The David encased within and understood that his task wasn't to carve a sculpture but rather to free the figure that already existed from its marble prison. C'mon, you're going to tell me with a straight face that this isn't a demonstration of the existence of something bigger than you? I mean . . . c'mon . . . give me a fucking break.

Once again this attempt of mine to use art, music, nature to grow my spirituality is working best if I don't try to overdo it, to remember everything, to understand everything, to look at every last damn painting the artist ever completed. I'm trying to wear the art world like a loose garment. Anyway, I finished a section on the Post-Impressionists and am starting to dabble in The Great Masters. We've all heard of Michaelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci but several of these men are/were unknown to me. A dude named Giotto stopped me in my tracks as if I was shot with an elephant gun. I had the opportunity to see The David in person many years ago and it rendered me speechless. It was that profound an experience to see that expression of God right in front of me and the statue is big, man, I mean really huge.

Dynamite. Destruction. Destroy, destroy, destroy!

Resent:  A complex, multilayered emotion that is a mixture of disappointment, anger, and disgust; to show displeasure and hurt or indignation at (some act, remark, etc.) or toward (a person) at a sense of being injured or offended; to feel bitter or angry at something, especially because you feel it is unfair.

Unfair!  Unfair!  You're cheating!  I deserved that and you didn't deserve that!  Mom, he's cheating!

Resentment is common to all alcoholics.  We are never safe from it and as intangible as it may seem, it does pay off in material ways with destructive force and energy.  Resentment is dynamite to the alcoholic.  Resentment is pure mental drunkenness.

Dynamite! Destruction! Good words! Boom, boom, ka-boom!

It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.  From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.  

I like the word "destroy." Whew. I like the suggestion that resentment is the root cause of all forms of spiritual disease. Not some. Not a few. All. All is a lot.

We list people, institutions and principles with whom we were angry.  We ask ourselves why we were angry.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.  To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.

Anger and futility and unhappiness, oh, my! Who in their right mind would want to give up those things? Squanderer! You squanderer! Squander away!

Squander: Waste in a reckless and foolish manner.

Has your life been any happier because of this resentment?

Taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I'm guessing that maybe 10% of the people, places, and things that I've ever had a resentment against had any idea that they were on the receiving end of my resentment. Like the government cares if I resent paying my taxes. Yeah, that's going to change things.

He cannot afford to subject himself to self-pity because of its relationship to resentment and inferiority.

Few, if any, men or women escape this emotional monstrosity (jealousy).

I find it helpful to tease out the emotion of anger (a normal human attribute that none of us will ever completely get rid of) from the emotional time bomb of resentment (a normal human reaction if you're a self-centered, socially stunted, and emotionally immature alcoholic). Everybody gets angry from time to time but what are you gonna do with it? Explode? Yell and scream and belittle? Toss a punch? Ruin a relationship, a job, a just about everything?

Meditate on This!

 Criticism, a form of negative judgment, is absolutely out of our fellowship picture. The practice of tolerance is a part of recovery.  It aids spiritual progress and helps us to control our emotions.  We do not believe that tolerance of improper situations makes good sense.  God gave us intelligence to determine between good and bad; therefore, we find as much harm in being tolerant of wrong thought or action as we find in intolerance of the right things.

I have tried from time to time to explain the mechanics of meditation to people who aren't currently meditating. I'm not sure I'm qualified to do this. I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to do this. There is no way I'm qualified to do this. The looks on their faces! It's one of those things that it's best to just make a start in whatever way you can and see what happens. Most of my failed converts tend to think of meditation as replacing bad thoughts with good ones. Or driving all thoughts out of your mind and existing in kind of a thinking void. There's a lot of effort involved, a lot of concentrating and forcing the thinking into a template. In my experience the best way is to pay attention to my breath and watch what comes scrolling across the kyron of my mind, with no judgement or force. To say: "Huh. Look at that thought. I'll be doggoned such a thought" and then trying to refocus on the breathing. The harder I try to "do it right" the stupider it becomes. I like to use the analogy of beginning to train for a marathon after ten years of smoking cigarettes. The mind is not going to give up control willingly. The lungs aren't going to bounce back on the first day but going from no exercise to some exercise is beneficial as is the effort trying to quiet a screaming, gibbering mind by exhaling slowly and completely five times in a row. The improvement isn't dramatic but something happens that's good for me.

I think it's best to look up the definition of this esoteric and confusing practice after an esoteric and confusing attempt to explain what it is . . .

Meditation: A practice that entails focusing or clearing your mind using a combination of mental and physical techniques (The Cleveland Clinic); a practice in which an individual uses a technique to train attention and awareness and to detach from reflexive, discursive thinking (Wikipedia); a profound and extended contemplation or reflection in order to achieve focused attention or an otherwise altered state of consciousness (American Psychological Association and see how the medical establishment tends to complicate the hell out of everything?); a means of transforming the mind (The Buddhist Center and see how the Buddhists keep it as simple as possible?).

Some schools emphasize meditating on a text. Some on repeating a chanted word. Some on simply trying to be calm and clear in one's thinking. So the point is that no one really knows how to do it or explain it but it works! It really does!

A Searching and Thorough Personal Inventory

The whole personal inventory process that's so central to our recovery opens up many different avenues of reflection and channels of thought for me.  The following passages are taken from passages in our literature guiding us in these efforts.

"We are there to sweep off our side of the street realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do.  His faults are not discussed.  We stick to our own.  We have made our demonstration, done our part."

Way: A method, style, or manner of doing something.

I have a way of approaching the world, of dealing with life, a way that has been tinkered with and distilled down to a way that makes sense to me at this time of my life. It's not the "right" way for anyone but me and not even that a lot of the time no matter how much I want that proposition to be true. I have to be on high alert that I'm not projecting a template of my way onto someone else, subjecting them to the ins and outs, the minutia and factoids of my way. They're going to have a way and they're going to have to figure that out all on their own. I can let them know my way and then they can take what they want - if they can indeed find out anything they want in my way - and leave the rest. This can be hard because I'm often dazzled and bejeweled with the mechanics of how I approach life. A guy in Chicago may or may not have said something like this to me early in my recovery: "Your life is a mess - maybe you better quit giving people advice on how to live their lives."

Some will object to many of the questions posed because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring.  To those it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with.

We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by excessive drinking.

. . . . his character defects, representing instincts gone astray , have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life . . .

We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of what or who we thought caused it.

The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive.

. . . we must be sure that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.

These reminders are just so amazing! We deny that we have defects. If we can't get away with this we minimize the damage they have done to our personal relationships and standing in the world. And always . . . always . . . always . . . we point the finger at other people, places, and things. We drink because of You! It's not my fault! I'm not hurting anyone but myself so leave me alone! I was a soldier dug into a trench, keeping my head low, conserving my ammuntion, hanging tough and holding out, vaguely aware I was going to be slaughtered sooner rather than later but refusing to give in.

It reminds me of the time I was standing on the side of the road in a remote Kentucky state park that was located in a dry county when a cop rolled by. I set my beer on the ground, right at my feet, still sweating in the heat and humidity, and told the cop - right to his face - that I didn't know whose beer that was. So you can imagine that my first few swings at the personal inventory were a tad defensive.

The Actor

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.  If arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.  Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.  Life would be wonderful.  In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous.  He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing.  On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.  But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.  What usually happens?  The show doesn't come off very well.

"When I'm finally made King of the World then everyone would be happy."

Me.

It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing that we did not know a single line of our parts.

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life.  He is very much the actor.  To the outer world he presents his stage character.  This is the one he likes his fellows to see.

I think that Bill W secretly wanted to be an actor rather than a stock broker. Dude loved attention. Dude loved to be the center of attention. Dude loved to be control of everyone and everything. I think deep down I should have been a director. You - stand here. You - do this. You - get the fuck off my stage! I would have made a great director. It's not only that I know what's best for everyone but that everyone agrees that I know what's best for everyone else.

Of this I am certain.

For by this time sanity will have returned. 

Yeah, well, sanity may have returned but then it leaves again, sometimes for a long time.  And we're defining "sanity" loosely here.  What most people consider insane aren't things that I'm especially worried about.  SuperK points this out quite frequently when I protest.  As in, "normal people don't do that."