It's Enough Already

Enough:  As much as is necessary.

I know I've looked this word up before.  The definition always seems kind of inadequate to me.  Maybe I don't understand what "necessary" means.  I do know that I'm a "it's never enough" kind of guy.  I don't know why I feel the need to graduate to "more" and to always be striving for "most."  I stick to my guns when I maintain that all of us "it's not enough" class of people make the world go around.  We get shit done.  We get shit done and feel terrible about our efforts because we could have done more.  Some of us seem to be wired that way.  It's wonderful and it's terrible.

An ongoing and eternal reflection, of course, is that the "enough" people have starved or frozen to death over the years or been eaten by my favorite human carnivore, the saber-toothed tiger.  "I have enough food here.  My cave is warm enough.  I'll wake up when I hear a tiger."

More:  A larger or extra number or amount.  (Ominously, there's this auxiliary interpretation: "When you want more of something you don't have enough."  There's that fucking word "enough" again.)

I have meditated for years.  I have done thousands and tens of thousands of hours worth of inventory and self-examination and reflection on my strengths and weaknesses, my sins and inadequacies.  I believe that a benefit of this is that I can often enjoy the state of "being."  My impulse is to "do," of course.  Do, do, do.  Get more done.  It's not enough.

I didn't go to a meeting this morning even though I often attend on Monday, a Big Book study meeting where I'm assured of a good topic that even the more irritating members can't screw up.  I don't know what I did in lieu of this time but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I just hung out with my own mind and didn't do much of anything.  It was great.  As a Doer I tend to fill the minutes with Doing so I'm uneasy when I take some time and let my mind idle.  I'd rather accelerate and then keep moving at a high rate of speed.  I get places but it's hard to enjoy and there's the possibility of hitting something or running off the road.

An Irritating Dude (and it's not me!)

Yesterday I was ensared and tangled up with this dude from Alcoholics Anonymous who just gets on my nerves, Big Time and in a major way.  It's not that he's a bad guy but that I simply find him incredibly annoying, and I'm not even saying he is annoying but that I find him annoying.  He's one of those people who has no touch for the art of teasing.  His attempts come across as grating and inappropriate and they really bug the shit out of me.  It makes me consider my dry sense of humor and why I get away with it and he doesn't.  If you want to give someone good-natured shit then you'd better be able to do it in a way that oozes good will and kindness.  I'm quite careful to read the reaction I get when I do it and I rarely get a defensive response and when I do - or when I even think that I do - I immediately clear the air with the person involved.  I think I come across as sort of a goofy, harmless hipster dufus most of the time so offense is rarely taken.  I found myself yesterday reacting in a completely defensive manner when normally when someone is letting me have it I go ahead and contribute to the abuse.  If I take myself too seriously I'd better leave others alone.

Anyone, after a bunch of confusing instructions and attempts to meet up using delayed text messages he finally caught up with me outside his house, motioned for me to get in his car, which I declined quickly and with extreme prejudice.  I'm often reminded of the important advice given to me as I was getting started in recovery to never go to a party where drinking was involved withoutr escape route.  Off we go.  Inexplicably, he stops at a newly remodeled botique hotel in town, parking in the Valet Only Zone and waving off my concerns, then takes me inside to meet the woman working the front desk, greeting her like an old friend when she clearly wonders who this guy is and why he's bothering her.  I think my friend had a brief, spectacular success as a real estate agent during a boom period long ago and he imagines himself as a player yet today, always name-dropping and booster-izing the area.  I found it off-putting and so did this lovely woman, who was clearly taken aback when he tried to grab a cup of coffee from the urns reserved for guests.  I offered to pay for the coffee and I thought we were supposed to be going out for fucking coffee, for fuck's sake, so why were we stopping here and trying to get free coffee that was meant for the guests?  "The coffee's empty," he said.  "And the tea's cold."  Relentless.

Finally, we head downtown to a coffee shop, passing two other coffee shops on the way and foregoing the fucking coffee shop across the street from his house, for fuck's sake. On the short walk from the parking lot he talks on his cell phone.   He does not talk to me.  Inside, he orders a coffee and I order a roll.  "I know you're going to use a card," he says, handing me a dollar bill.  (Note to everyone - if you invite someone out for coffee pay for the fucking coffee.)  I give the bemused barista my Visa card for the $13 bill and he hands me two more singles.  I look at them.  I look at him.  I drop them in the tip jar.

I spend a lot of time with really great people in recovery and it's often quite enjoyable.  This isn't only because  of the recovery aspect, either, although that's important, but because I enjoy the friendships.  When I'm in a situation where I'm pondering why I'm hanging around someone irritating I often remind myself that we're complicated, damaged people trying to do better and that I have an obligation, a debt to repay, for the people who took the time to help me get sober when I was just as irritating and because it helps me become a more compassionate person by listening to people when I don't want to.  I cringe still today when I think about some of the things I said and some of the behavior I exhibited early in my recovery.  Hell, I'm an asshole about 40% of the time today so I can only imagine how obnoxious I was back then.  This man is a sensitive guy who's made a lot of progess in his recovery, IMO.  I just don't like him.  It's OK.  I don't have to like everybody.

Step 27: Don't give someone $3 when the bill is $13 before tip.  Never do this to someone you've invited to coffee.  It gives them the impression that the main goal is to get a free cup of coffee.  Especially when you've stopped in a hotel that you're not staying at and couldn't afford to stay at, anyway, and tried to take some of their coffee for free.

Just a very weird experience.  I believe I behaved pretty well.  I was agog inside but I believe my actions were good.  I'll tell you this - I'm backing away from this dude in the future as if he's the walking, talking bubonic plague.  Whew.

Jeebus Walks Into a Bar . . .

 I was mulling over the epithet "Jesus H. Christ" the other day when it dawned on me that I didn't know what the "H" stood for.  Harold?  Harlan?  Hank?  "This is my friend, Jesus Harlan Christ."  I mean the whole epithat is bullshit, frankly.  Jesus' last name isn't "Christ."  No one knows what his last name is.  Maybe they didn't know what his last name was.  Could have been Bookman.  Jeebus of Nazarene or Jeebus, Son of Joseph, both bandied about..

This led to an extended revery on whether or not famous religious figures or godheads had a sense of humor.  I can't imagine Allah telling a joke.  What if Jeebus had quipped, right after causing?  allowing?  making?  Lazarus rise from the dead something like this: "C'mon, Laz, what's with the ragged clothes?  Put on a tie or something.  I've got a crowd here and it's Sunday, for chrissake."  Or asking the guard who was proffering a sponge soaked with wine and vinegar as an analgesic for a dirty martini instead.  Now the Buddha I can see cracking wise from time to time but . . . Jeebus?  And even less likely, IMO, would be someone cracking Jeebus up.  "Stop, stop, I going to pee my robes," Jeebus is shouting.  If Jeebus had a sense of humor wouldn't there be a picture of him smiling?  ONE picture?  He always looks so serene and celestial and pensive.  The way I see it is that people don't like religion primarily because it is fucking unfunny.  Give me a smile, for god's sake!

Jeebus, the Dalai Lama, and Buddha walk into a bar. "How come it's THE Dalai Lama, THE Buddha, but I'm not THE Jesus . . . . "

In a parallel but not sequential universe do you think Super Man had super humor?  Flying, super strength, X-ray vision, but can't tell a good joke?  I never heard him say anything funny.

Scary Stories and Future Wreckage

Perspective:  To think about a situation or a problem in a wise and reasonable way; to compare something to other things so that it can be accurately and fairly judged.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

A little bit more in '24!

I ran across this aphorism yesterday, a reminder to me to stay in the moment: "Living in the wreckage of my future."  It seems to fit in well with my Jan 4 daily meditation reading from a  book of Native American bits and pieces of wisdom: "To the Cherokee, worry is the woodpecker, pecking away on the roof.  It is easy to understand that even new wood cannot bear such hammering without giving way.  Imagine what would happen to a roof which has already been through storms and many hot summers.  Worry did not crash in suddenly.  It entered our lives little by little, so that we did not notice.  Surely it will go away, but it takes its toll so gradually that we grow accustomed to it - thinking it is just a normal part of living."

What is it about conservatives and politics?  Everytime I run into someone I haven't seen for a while they immediately unload some thinly veiled and clearly conspiratorial opinion of the state of the world today.  And then laugh, as if it's a big joke.  Really?  How about a how ya doin'?  How's SuperK?  Nice day we're having.  Something like that.  It's not even about the political view - it's about a need to be confrontational right out of the chute.  When I see someone who has different political views than me I don't immediately launch a shot across their bow.  How about some meaningless chit-chat?  Anything that isn't argumentative.

I like this comment, too, when delivered to someone worrying about future events, making them seem real: "Are you telling yourself scary stories again?"

George, Homer, and the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama summing up his guide to spiritual growth:

"Our first hope is that we may overcome the problem, but, if not, at least the problem cannot disturb your inner mental peace.  That is good, is it not?  You are facing the situation and retaining your peace of mind - without taking drugs or trying to pull your thoughts away from it.  That is why we take such great interest in our weekends and vacations.  But this only means that you are trying to take your mind off your problem.  But the problem is still there.  However, if you have a good mental attitude, it is not necessary to divert yourself.  When you can face the situation and analyze the problem, then, like a big piece of ice in the water, it will gradually melt away."

Morality of Individual Liberation  

"Examine your motivation as often as you can.  At night examine what you did during the day.  Analyze your life closely.  Adopt a positive attitude in the face of difficulty.  Evaluate the possible negative and positive effects of feelings such as lust, anger, jealousy, and hatred.  Analyze more and more, and gradually your conviction will strengthen.

Be on guard for the suffering of change.  When a situation switches from pleasure to pain, reflect on the fact that the deeper nature of the original pleasure is revealing itself.  Attachment to such superficial pleasures will only bring more pain. (He uses often the example of eating - it's wonderful until/unless you overdo it, then it's awful.)  Realize that suffering can be removed, can be extinguished into the sphere of reality.  Reflect that this true cessation is attained through the practice of morality, concentrated meditation, and wisdom - the true paths."

More great truths . . . 

George Costanza: "Remember . . . it's not a lie . . . if you believe it."

Homer Simpson: (Muttering under his breath, incensed at the injustice of it all):  "I hate being called a liar . . . unless I'm currently lying . . . or I've just told a lie . . . or the next words out of my mouth are lies."

The Dalai Lama is great, sure, good stuff, but the vast majority of my life philosophy can be found in Seinfeld and The Simpsons.

Keep It Complicated, Redux

Irony:  The state of affairs that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

The topic of today's meeting was Acceptance.  (Ed. Note: Acceptance is bullshit.  Fie on acceptance.)  The leader read the famous section where Doctor Paul opines that everything is exactly as it should be in God's world and herefore any upset that he's feeling means he's simply not accepting things that he should be accepting.  While I get the general intent of this chapter I don't quite buy into the concept whole-hog.  His intent, as I perceive it, is to remind us that we're really not in control of very much so it isn't a good use of our time to rage against things we can't control.  Again, which is everything.  Acceptance, in my pea brain, means I should keep my nose out of the business of other people, places, and things with exceptions for extraordinary  circumstances.  Obviously, if I see someone flogging a small child it isn't right to say: "Oh, well, everything is as it should be in God's good world."  I default to the Serenity Prayer which  reminds me that there are times when I need to do something.

The irony is this: a dude showed up this morning who has been drifting in and out for the ten years I've been here.  He's a smart guy but the cumulative effect of whatever drugs he's consuming in concert with his drinking has rendered him hopeless.  This dude is not . . . going . . . to . .  .  get sober.  There may have been a chance at one point but that point is in the rear view mirror and it's receding rapidly.  Today he was in the middle of some kind of episode: eyes rolling up into his sockets, neck flopping back and forth, laughing and greeting people way too loudly, the whole "constitutionally incapable" playbook.

When we were trying to get Keep It Complicated up and running after CoVid - no small feat where the survival of the meeting was not assured - there were five or six of us long-timers who came often and we did Herculean battle against a large contingent of homeless people, things getting so disruptive that we quit making coffee, the debacle finally culminating in a spectacular morning extravaganza where one of the coffee-drinkers lost control of his bowels and befouled a lot of inside real estate.  I hung in there.  I persevered.  I was a stand-up guy.  But no more - I watched this man today in the throes of his psychotic break with a morbid curiosity, totally distracted from the meeting, riveted by the spectacle, and then I simply got up and took a walk on the beach.  I wasn't mad or upset, I just didn't want to be there anymore.  His antics either didn't bother everyone else or they were able to ignore him - this is super-nice Southern California, after all.

Whew, we're not an easy lot to get along with sometimes.

New Year's Resolutions

"Among other things, anonymity in the  Fellowship means that we forgo personal prestige for any A.A. work we do to help alcoholics.  But it can be a real step forward in growth - a step into the humility that is, for some people, the spiritual essence of humility."  From the pamphlet on the A.A. group.  

The Primary Purpose of a meeting is to help alcoholics recover through A.A.'s suggested Twelve Steps of recovery.  We don't insist that they use our Program but we do suggest that it's the only thing we can talk about with any confidence and competence.  If some other method works for you then go get it.  Good for you.

Why are some people so eager to tell me something that lets me know what their political leanings are?  Don't tell me.  I don't want to know.  People that are living out on the ends of the political spectrum really seem to be driven to make some comment that lets me know why they're right and I'm wrong.  Leave me alone.  I don't walk around jamming my opinions down your throat.  I think it's particularly self-destructive to get all of your information from social media or from a couple of partisan websites that have a narrative that they want to push.  People are motivated by anger and fear - advertisers know this - so these sites are interested in making you angry or afraid because you'll come back to look at their advertising again and they're making money selling advertising, not by telling the truth.  Many of them aren't even slightly interested in providing a balance, nuanced view of what's going on in society.  The news divisions used to lose money for the networks because they were put into place to serve the public good.  It used to be the  law that media companies had to spend some resources on educating the public as a cost of access to the public airways.

My New Year's Resolution is to think more about myself.  I might try to get more people to think about me because I'm just one guy and I can't think about myself enough.